


The Revival

by winde



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Smut, F/M, M/M, Slow Burn, but not like the main characters?, i mean you can probably see it coming?, ok so someone important dies, they are important i guess?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-08
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2018-09-15 16:50:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 21
Words: 52,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9246341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winde/pseuds/winde
Summary: When Deans cheating wife leaves him, he is left brokenhearted. While out trying to find a way to cope with being alone, he meets a kind soul whom he befriends. As they grow closer, he finds himself spending a lot of time with his new friend who he is afraid that he might be developing feelings for. But when Lisa walks back into Deans life, he and Castiel are faced with some new problems.





	1. Petitioning Pain

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first chapter, let me know if you like it! If so i will keep writing this!

Dean couldn’t believe this was happening. It was his fault, it had to be. He thought he had been a good husband, doing what he could to make her happy. He took out the garbage, he did the dishes, he told her she was beautiful every single day, and yet it wasn’t enough. He stared down at the words on the manila folder. _Petition for Dissolution of Marriage._ Dean knew they had been going through a rough patch, but didn’t all relationships? He had dedicated himself to her and she told him she wanted another man.

“What can I get you?” Dean doesn’t bother to look up, still staring at the words on the folder.

“Can I get another whiskey please?” Dean asks softly after a moment. He pulls his eyes off the paper, and instead looks around the small empty bar. The wall is lined with booths and a few tables scatter the floor. The long bar that Dean sits at is empty. In fact, he is the last person here. He didn’t realize that he was the only one left in the here. In the three hours that he has been sitting here since his brother Sam left, it has only felt like a meager 10 minutes. Dean listens to Stairway to Heaven play from the old Juke Box in the corner, and the sound of the bartender setting his glass on the counter. He pours the whiskey and slides the glass towards Dean.

Dean finally looks up toward the bartender and sucks in a breath. _His eyes;_ wise beyond their years, the deep-set cerulean eyes are framed by dark, curly, lashes. He has a perfect nose that Greek Gods would envy. He looks as though he hasn’t shaved in a few days but it’s a good look for him. He has dark brown hair that looks black in this lighting and fluffs up in every which direction. A smirk plays on the man’s lips. Dean looks down at his drink. He picks up the glass, drinking it down in one gulp, sliding the glass back to the man and wonders how his lips would feel against Deans. God, it had been a long time since he thought about man like that. It feels like college all over again.

He pours another drink sliding it back to Dean. Dean mumbles thanks.

“What was her name.” he asks Dean. Dean looks up at him. The bartender nods at the file on the counter watching Dean carefully. Dean sits silently for a moment, considering if he feels like sharing.

“Lisa. Lisa Win--,” Dean lets out a sign and looks at the drink in front of him “Lisa Braeden.” He brings the glass to his lips swallowing the drink down. He looks at the gold band down on his hand and slips it off setting it on top of the file. Dean looks at the man who’s ring less hands rest on the countertop. “What’s your name?” 

“Castiel Novak.” He extends his hand toward Dean. Dean takes it and smiles faintly.

“I’m Dean,” He examines the blue eyes, “nice to meet you.” Castiel smiles.

“So Castiel, are you seeing anyone?” Dean kicks himself. He shouldn’t be invading his privacy, he just met this man. Castiel laughs and grabs two beer from behind the counter offering one to Dean. He gratefully takes the beer, thankful for any alcohol he can get his hands on right now.

“It’s complicated.” Castiel smiles and opens his beer, taking a sip. Dean waits for something more, and when Castiel doesn’t continue he grumbles and follows suit by opening his beer. 

“She left me for another man. She said it was because I didn’t make enough money to support her and that she needed a man with a real job. Because apparently, a mechanic isn’t a real job.” Dean sips his beer. He doesn’t know why he is telling this stranger all of this. Perhaps it was the alcohol. “And when I tried to talk to her about how I could fix things, she told me she has been cheating on me for ten months.” He takes another swig as if the beer will take away the bad taste that Lisa has left there. “Ten months Castiel. And what I don’t get is if she was so unhappy with me, why didn’t she leave me sooner?” Dean has had enough of talking about Lisa today. He can’t keep doing this to himself. “So, whatever it is it can’t be that complicated.” Dean smirks at Castiel, bottle in hand.

“Well, technically I am not in a relationship but there is someone I see every now and then. He is more like a… friend to me.” Castiel stairs Dean down. Dean tries not to hold his breath at how Castiel mentioned a _he_ and not a _she_. 

“See that wasn’t that difficult.” Dean sees Castiel trying not to smile. He feels the need to change the subject.

“What time is closing?” Dean ask, checking his watch. _1:56am._ Fuck. Castiel checks his watch as well.

“Midnight.”

“What? Why didn’t you tell me to leave at closing time?” Dean asks, astounded. Cas laughs.

“You looked like you were having a rough day, I didn’t have the heart.” Castiel says.

“Shit Cas, you should’ve just told me to get out.” Dean pulls out his wallet and gives Cas a fifty. “That should cover my tab.”

“Here let me get your change.” Cas turns to head toward the register.

“No, please keep it. Its 2 in the morning and you are still here because of me when you should be at home.” Dean says a pleading look on his face.

“Dean, I can’t.”

“Just think of it as a tip for the trouble I have caused you.” Dean puts his wallet away and drinks the rest of his beer. He stands, instantly wobbling around from too much alcohol. He brings his hand to his head and groans. He sits back down momentarily, reaching for his phone. It’s dead. Just like his luck.

“Do you mind if I borrow your phone to call a cab?” Dean asks Castiel.

“I can drive you home. It’s faster than a cab.” Castiel throws their bottles away then grabs his keys and wallet from a cabinet somewhere behind the counter. He turns to look at Dean.

“Seriously? I can’t ask that of you.” Dean can’t believe how kind this man is. Why was he doing all this for Dean? He did not deserve this. Castiel smiled and walked over to the juke box, switching it off, before walking over to the door. Dean just gaped.

“Are you serious?” Dean inquired.

“Yes, now let’s go.” Castiel laughs reaching for the light switch waiting for Dean. Dean stands and walks over, stopping at the door. Cas switches off the lights and they head out into the chilly December night. The only car in the parking lot beside Deans baby, is a 1980 black Jaguar. Dean is just happy it’s not a Prius. Cas locks the bar up, then they walk over to the car. He unlocks it, and they get in. 

“So where too?” he asks.

“The nearest motel. Don’t care which, just whichever is the least out of your way. Thank you again Cas.”

“No problem Dean.” Cas starts the car and turns on the heater. They pull out of the parking lot and ride in silence for a few minutes.

“So why work at a bar?” Dean ask.

“Well, technically I don’t, I am the owner. Usually I stay in my office but today I told everyone working to go home and that I would cover it.” Cas says.

“Huh. How long have you owned it?” Dean looks over at Cas. He looks calm and focused.

“Going on five years, in February.” Cas looks accomplished and proud, and for the first time in a while Dean genuinely smiles.

“Well congratulations. That’s great Cas.” Dean looks out the window into the dark. He feels tired.

“How long have you been a mechanic?”

“15 years give or take? My dad is a mechanic so I learned everything from him and have been working on cars since I could walk.”

“Wow, so if my car were to break down right now I trust that you could fix it for me?” Cas smiled at Dean. Dean laughs.

“Maybe not right now, I had more to drink then I should’ve and can’t really see strait.” They pull into a motel parking lot and Cas stops the car outside the front office. He turns to Dean.

“Can you make it in safely from here? Is there anything else you need?” Dean looks at Cas.

“I’m fine Mother Teresa.” Dean laughs shaking his head. He opens the door before turning to Cas. “Seriously though, thank you Castiel. You have made this awful day a lot better because of how kind you were to me even though I am a stranger. Thank you.”

Cas gives Dean a warm smile and a nod.

“See you around Cas.” Dean wobbles into the office before Cas finally drives off.

He makes it into his room in one piece collapsing onto the bed, and for the first time in a while, tonight he isn’t going to bed thinking of his failing- failed- marriage. Tonight, he dreams of blue eyes and feels at peace.

* * *

Cas didn’t want to tell dean that he lived a few blocks from his bar, in the opposite direction of the motel. He didn’t know why he went out of his way to drive him home. He had never done it for anyone and he practically had the cab company on speed dial. But there was something about him. Maybe it was because he was having an exceptionally shitty day or maybe it was because he was beautiful. But he wasn’t just a pretty face, which he did indeed have a pretty face, the green eyes the color of ferns and the freckles that splattered his face the chiseled check bones that had the start of stumble growing on. He seemed kind, like he cared and would do anything for the ones he loved even if it caused him pain and as if he had never done anything for himself. But Dean was broken. He was shattered deep down to his core, causing him pain in ways nobody could understand. The only thing that Castiel knew is that he wanted to help Dean, wanted to help him get through his pain and try to repair those deep cracks in Deans soul.


	2. Fallen Angels

Dean wakes to the blinding light of the sun peeking through the curtains and right into his eyes. His head is pounding like a jack hammer against his skull, making aspirin necessary. Never has Dean been more thankful for having Saturdays off; He doesn’t think he would be able to function if he had work today. He sits up in the bed and rubs his eyes. He looks at the clock, which reads 9:26. He sees his keys, wallet, and phone on the TV, but not his paper work. At least he remembered the important stuff.

He gets up and goes to the bathroom. He strips, takes a quick shower then puts his clothes back on till he can get to baby, and a change of clothes. Dean tries to remember the name of the bar he was at but all he can remember is Castiel Novak. He couldn’t forget him, and his kindness, even if he wanted to. He looks around the hotel room catching sight of the hotel phone. Maybe Sam remembers the name. He walks over to the phone and dials Sam’s number. He answers on the second ring.

“Hello?” Sam asks from the other end.

“Sam what was the name of the bar we went to last night?” Dean sits on the edge of the bed, pulling the phone book all motels have in the night stand out and starts searching for a number for a cab.

“Something like Falling Stars or Shooting Stars I think?” Sam says distractedly. Fallen Angels. That was it.

“Okay thanks. Are you studying for your test on Monday?” Dean inquires. Sam mumbles something that sounds like it could mean yes. Dean smiles.

“Good luck, call me later. Bitch.”

“Jerk.”

They hang up and Dean calls for a Cab, who says it’ll be here in 10 minutes. He walks to the front office to check out and buy some aspirin.

* * *

Cas parks in the same spot he parks every day. He looks at the sleek black car in the lot and realizes it must be Deans, since it hasn’t moved since last night. He hasn’t come back yet which means that Castiel still has a chance. He doesn’t know if that ‘chance’ is just for friend ship or something else, but either way, he still gets to see Dean again potentially. Hell, Castiel didn’t know why he was making such a big deal about it. Dean was a stranger. Dean had been married to a woman, he could never be interested in Castiel. But Dean still needed a friend and maybe Castiel could be that friend.

Cas unlocks the bar; he goes about his business catching up on his paper work in his office but he can’t get himself to focus. He decides it is time to stock the shelves. Castiel turns on the juke box on and “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” begins to play. As Cas makes his way around the bar moving chairs and tables around he notices something on the bar. He walks over and looks down at a manila folder and gold band that rest there. He would be seeing Dean again for sure.

* * *

Twenty-five minutes later, the cab is pulling away, and Dean is walking towards baby. He opens the trunk grabbing his duffel bag. He riffles through, pulling out a clean green cotton tee-shirt; he slips off the dirty shirt, pulling on the clean one. He puts everything back in its place in the trunk before heading towards the bar. He stops at the door, the hours say it opens at noon, in an hour and a half, but he can hear Queen playing inside. He tries the door, its unlocked. He looks around the empty bar for Cas, no sight of him.

“Hello? You here Castiel?” Dean calls. He walks in and stands in the middle of the room, he listens to “Somebody to Love” and calls Castiels name again. When he gets no response, he walks toward the back where he remembers seeing a small office when he went to the bathroom last night.

Dean pokes his head in the door quietly. He sees Castiel sitting over a stack of paperwork a look of pure concentration on his face. His office isn’t very personal, no pictures on the walls nothing that makes it his own, except for maybe the small fern in the corner but it looks like it is dead. He knocks on the door causing Castiel to jump. He turns to Dean and smiles.

“Hello Dean.” He stands, rubs his hands on his thighs, and looks incredibly awkward. Dean smiles at him and takes a step into the office.

“Hi Cas.” There is a moment of silence where all they do is stair at each other.

“I am surprised you remembered my name, let alone how to get to the bar,” Castiel says with a smirk “You seemed a little out of it last night.” Dean feels his cheeks turn pink but laughs.

“Yeah, sorry about that. I can only take credit for remembering your name though. For the life of me, this morning I could not remember the name of your bar. I actually had to call my baby brother and see if he remembered.” Castiel laughs.

“Well I am glad you found your way back.”

“Me too.” Dean puts his hands in his pockets and looks at the floor. “Thanks again for driving me to a hotel last night.”

“It’s no problem Dean, really.” Cas turns to his desk opening the top drawer. He pulls out Deans folder and ring. Deans heart drops into the pit of his stomach just looking at the ring. “I didn’t know when you would come by for your things so I put them in here for safe keeping.” Dean smiles at Castiel because he doesn’t trust his voice right now. God, not only did Lisa break their marriage, she broke his dignity. He can’t even look at his ring without turning into a crying little baby. Dean wished he could hate her for what she did to him, but her leaving had to be his fault right? This was all his fault. Maybe if he’d done something different, things would have worked out and he and Lisa would still be happily married. Maybe then, he could’ve made her happy.

“Dean?” Castiel’s gentle voice brings Dean back to reality. He reaches out and grabs his things from Castiel.

“Yea.” He says, turning his back to Cas and swiping at his eyes. Jesus.

“Are,” he stops himself from asking if Dean is all right, knowing that it never helps, “Do you maybe want to go grab a bite to eat? I was planning on going anyways, but it would be nice to have some company and there is this great café down the street from here.”

Dean sucks in a deep, shaky breath and turns back to Castiel. He gives Castiel a half-smile and nods, “Sounds awesome.”

Castiel smiles and turns to his desk. He grabs his keys and his phone, which he immediately starts to type on.

“Hold on one second, I just need to text Charlie and ask her to open up if I am not back in time.” Cas says distractedly. Dean tries to remember if Charlie was the girl working last night, but concludes that her name started with a J. They walk out and Castiel turns off the juke box and they head for the door.

“So, do you want to walk or drive? The place I had in mind is only a ten-minute walk and has pretty good food. But we don’t have to go there if you don’t want to.” Cas states.

“Sounds great. Let’s walk, it’s a nice day out.”

After Cas locks up, Dean puts his things in the car and they head down the street, a cool breeze blowing. Dean puts his hands back in his pockets and looks over at Castiel. Today he is wearing a black button down shirt with a grey tee underneath and jeans. Castiels hair still looks as if he didn’t care enough to brush it and just ran his fingers through it instead. And his eyes, don’t get Dean started again. He looks away feeling his cheeks go pink.

“So, you said you have a brother?” Castiel breaks the silence.

“Yea, his name is Sammy.” Dean smiles at the thought of Sam.

“Is he a mechanic too?” Castiel looks at Dean. Dean laughs at the thought.

“No, Sammy is actually going to be a lawyer. He is on his last year of law school, and is starting an internship next spring. Sam was never really into cars like my dad and I. See, Sammy was the smart one so he and my dad were always butting heads because Sam didn’t want to be like him. But I am proud of him, he works hard for what he wants.”

Cas watches the way Dean lights up when talking about him and seems to forget his worries. Castiel says, “He sounds like a great kid.” And feels the corners of his mouth begin to rise.

“He is.” Dean pauses. “Do you have any siblings?”

“Yea, two older brothers. Gabe and Michael. But I don’t talk to Michael.” Dean glances over.

“Why not?” He asks.

“Well, When I was ten he moved away to become a director and we just never really heard from him again. Last I heard he was in Abu Dhabi working on his next project.”

“What about Gabe? What does he do?”

“He is a professor at Cornell university. Last time I checked he was looking into teaching a tree climbing class.” Dean laughs at this.

“You cannot be serious.” He smiles at Cas.

“I swear. Go look it up online, there is an actual tree climbing course at Cornell. He has also taught a class on literature and superheroes. He says all the time that life is too short to be boring so he teaches all the strangest classes he can think of.” They both laughs.

“He sounds awesome.” Dean says. They make it to the café and go in. Dean sees an assortment of pastries and his eyes stop on the row of pies. There is a sign on top of the glass case that reads ‘Fresh Apple Pie’ and his mouth starts to water.

“The burgers are good here, and so is the pie.” Cas looks over and sees Dean eyeballing the pie and smirks.

“Hey Castiel! Long time no see sugar, how are things at the bar?” the little old lady behind the bar asks.

“Things are good Gurty, thanks for asking.” He gives her a warm smile.

“Well I am certainly glad to hear it! And how is that young man you used to bring by all the time?” Castiel blushes and glances at Dean, but Dean pretends not to notice.

“He is well I think.” He vaguely tells her.

“Well that’s good, what can I get for you too today?” she smiles at Dean, and he gives her a small smile back.

“Well I will get my usual.” Cas pauses to look at Dean.

“I, uh, I will have whatever he has I guess.” Dean looks between them. Cas reaches for his wallet but Dean stops him handing the lady his card.

“I got it. Think of it as a thanks for last night.” The lady smirks at them and they both turn pink, realizing how it sounds. Cas looks at his shoes and Dean smirks back at the lady. He gets Cas to meet his eyes and winks. Cas flushes a deeper shade of red and Gurty laughs.

“You two go get a table I will bring you your food when its ready.” She walks to the back after giving Dean back his card and they start to move for a table. Castiel weaves his way through the crowds and stops at a table in the back corner. They sit across from each other.

“So, I am guessing she was talking about Mister Its Complicated?” Dean says to Cas with a smirk. Castiel laughs.

“Yes.”

“What is he like?” Dean looks at him.

“Well, his name is Balthazar. He is an architect, but when we first met he was still up and coming so he helped at the bar when I was shorthanded. I guess the real reason I liked him was because he was funny but he could be a real ass.”

“What is complicated about that?” Dean inquires.

“Well we aren’t dating. We both made it very clear when we first met we weren’t looking for a relationship because we wanted to focus on our careers.”

Dean still not quite understanding looked at Cas with a confused look. Castiel laughed.

“Are you really going to make me say it?” Cas pauses and stairs at Dean. He gets no response.

“Balthazar and I were uh…” It hits Dean right then that Castiel is trying to say. He and Balthazar were not dating, but were just friends with benefits, so to say.

“OH. Okay. Got it.” Deans cheeks turn red and he laughs awkwardly. Castiel smirks at him. Gurty walks up right on time with their food, which turns out to be a burger and fries and a coffee. Dean thinks it is a strange combo but he doesn’t complain. Food is food, and in all honesty, he could use the coffee.

“Here you go boys! Enjoy!” she smiles and then ambles back to the counter.

“Tell me something about you that not many people know.” Castiel says, surprising Dean.

“Uh, well,” Dean pauses to think “When I went to college, I had a boyfriend. That was the longest relationship I held before--” Dean stops there. “Nobody knows that except for Sammy. She didn’t even know about it.” Dean smiles at the thought.

“Why did it end?” Castiel ask before taking a bit of his burger, casually watching the man sitting across from him.

“Well, he wanted to be more serious, and I didn’t so we went our separate ways.”

Castiel hums and nods.

“What about you?” Dean asks “What’s something not many people know about you?” He takes a bite of the burger. It is the best burger he has had in a while, juicy and flavorful the bun soft the lettuce crisp. He takes another bite. Dean looks at him and he seems lost in thought, burger in hand.

“Don’t ever tell my brothers this, but I have a tattoo.” Dean chocks on his food.

“What?” he exclaims. “I would’ve never guessed, what, and where is it?” the look of surprise on Deans face makes Castiel laugh.

“Well it’s on my back,” he pauses to take a sip of his coffee, making Dean go insane with curiosity, “Wings.” Cas says looking at his plate.

“That sounds awesome, I would love to see it sometime. What made you get it?” Dean tries the coffee, the smooth yet bold liquid flowing into his mouth is great.

“When I was fifteen, my parents got in a car accident and they both passed away. My family was religious and when my brothers and I were little, my mom would read stories about the lord’s angels. And I remember her always saying she was my guardian angel. I wanted to get something to honor her and wings felt right because of it all.” Castiel wouldn’t look up from his plate but Dean could tell it all meant a lot to him.

“Is that also why you went with the name of the bar?” Dean asks. Cas smiles and nods.

“Well that is cool. I have always wanted one but never really know what to get.” Dean says trying to lighten the mood.

“Mine was sort of spur of the moment. I may have had a few drinks before.” Cas says with a smile. They chat aimlessly about work and the people they have met there for a few minutes while finishing up their food. Dean learns that Castiel has had to break up four bar fights in the past year, had to call an ambulance once, knows all his regulars by name, and been hit on numerous times and has even had a cougar grope him. Castiel learns that Dean works at his uncle Bobby’s shop, his car, the Impala, was his dads but it got passed down to him after his dad stopped driving because of the many DUI’s he has received, and that his mother passed away when he as young due to an accidental house fire. Castiel checks his watch and is sad to see that he should be going back to work.

“Unfortunately, I need to get back to work but thank you for the company and for buying me lunch. I had a good time.” He gives Dean a warm smile, which Dean returns.

“Me too, we should do this again.” They look at each other, blue meeting green.

“Ready to head back?” Castiel says in a distracted tone.

“Sure.” They both stand and head towards the door, but on the way Castiel stops by the counter walking up to Gurty. He says something to her that Dean can’t quite make out. She pulls out a pen out of her apron and hands it over to him along with one of the order receipts. He quickly scribbles something down before folding the paper and sliding it into his pocket and handing the pen back. Gurty looks over at Dean, winks and waves and says her goodbye to Castiel before he meets Dean at the door.

“Ready?” Castiel asks. Dean figures it’s best not to question it.

“Whenever you are.” He smirks holding the door open for Castiel. They start walking.

“Well you were right, the food there was awesome.” Dean tells Castiel.

“I go there almost every time I have to work late, that’s why I am friends with Gurty. She is a kind woman.”

“She seems really keen on you.” Dean glances over at Cas in time to see the bright warm smile that he so frequently shows around Dean. They walk in a comfortable silence the rest of the way back to Castiels bar. When they arrive, they stop at the door.

“I am happy I met you Cas.” Dean tells his new friend, meaning it. Cas made him forget about all the bad things going on in his life right now and Dean was thankful for that. Sammy was a good distraction, but he needed someone on the outside sometimes, and Castiel felt like the perfect person for that.

“I am glad to have met you to Dean.” He pulls out the paper and hands it to Dean. “I hope I will get to see you around.” His smile holds something more this time and Dean isn’t sure what it means. He knows he likes it though. Dean smirks at him before Castiel turns back to walk into the bar. Dean slides into the impala and unfolds the paper.

_Dean, I do hope that this doesn’t throw you off with all that is going on but I would really love to see you again. call me. Castiel Novak._


	3. Living Situations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this chapter is a short one. I promise the next will be longer! Let me know what you guys think of this so far!

Dean pulls up to what use to be his and Lisa’s apartment and is thankful she has work so he doesn’t have to see her. A few days ago, when this whole ordeal started, Sammy let Dean crash at his apartment, knowing that having to stay here with her would be too much for Dean to handle, but its time Dean gets his things and stops mooching off Sam. Dean sits for a minute, looking at the building he used to call home and sighs. How did he let it come to this? She made him feel so small and worthless and she didn’t have the slightest idea. And she didn’t care. Dean doesn’t want to think about her so, instead, he thinks about the piece of paper that hold the 7 particularly wonderful numbers in his pocket. He feels the corners of his lips perk up at the thought of him. He still can’t believe he scored Castiels number.

Dean grabs a duffel bag for his things and steps out of the car and walks to the door, keys in hand. He begins to list all the things he needs to get in his head so he doesn’t forget anything. He unlocks the door and goes in, not thinking about her or the memories these rooms hold like the day they first moved in and how the only piece of furniture they had was a bed, so they would sit across from each other on the living room floor eating Chinese food and talking about their days at work, the room lit by candles. He does not think about getting their furniture, piece by piece, each one holding its own memory, like when they got the dining room table and it took four tries getting it in the door because of the tight fit and the little dent it left in the entry way wall, a scar left to remind them. He especially does not think about the moments they had shared, the hugs, the kisses, each one different ranging from pecks in the morning to hot, can’t get enough of each other kisses at night, and he most certainly does not think about the sex. How could they go from that to this? Dean feels like he can’t breathe.

_Focus._ Dean looks at the bag in his hand and remembers the first thing on his mental list. _Phone charger._ Castiel immediately pops into his head and he feels himself begin to calm down. He takes a reassuring breath and walks over to the kitchen counter where his charger is and plugs his phone in. Time to get to work. Dean goes about his business, collecting the things he needs. When they went to court and the topic of their things came up, he gave everything to her. He didn’t know why then, but he understands now. Just seeing the things they shared brought back all those memories in an instant and Dean wasn’t sure he wanted to remember them. Even though Dean was sure he wouldn’t forget the pain she brought on, he at least wanted to move on with his life.

An hour passes and Dean has all his clothes in baby, his computer, phone, which is now charged, his chargers, spare keys, and the rest of his stuff. He is ready to leave this place and never look back. He walks over to her desk and grabs a pen and paper and begins to write her one last note.

_Lisa—_

_I have cleaned the rest of my stuff out of here and made sure to leave nothing behind. If there is, by chance, something left here of mine, it must not be that important and you can throw it out. Your spare key is in the bowl by the door. I hope he was worth it._

_Good luck, Dean._

* * *

Castiel is in his office signing the last of his bills for today when his phone vibrates. He looks at the clock on the wall, which reads 1:30, while he pulls his phone out of his pocket.

_Are you always hiding in that office of yours?_ Castiel doesn’t recognize the number but he has a feeling he knows who it’s from, making his stomach flop. He types back _Well I do have paper work to do… where else should I do it?_ He waits for a response with a smile on his face. His phone vibrates. _Well that is a good point…_ Cas reads on the screen. Another text comes through. _You could do it out here with me._ Castile’s heart thuds inside his chest. He gets up and walks over to the closed door and peaks out the window at the bar. He sees Charlie whipping the bar down and chatting with Cain, a regular here, and a couple or people in the booths. He spots someone in the corner booth who could be Dean and his stomach twist. _Where are you?_ Castiel types watching the person in the corner. Cas holds his breath when they pick up their phone. _Waiting for you to join my Cassie, come on get out here._ Castiel’s heart drops when he realizes who it is. _Balthazar? When did you get a new phone number?_ He types before going to sit back down, not in the mood to deal with Balthazar. _If you come out here I will tell you all about it._ Castiel doesn’t text back. He looks at the window in front of his desk and contemplates climbing out it and telling Charlie to take care of things for a while. She could handle it. He had faith in her abilities, and besides, Gadreel would be in for his shift soon too so they could handle things if Castiel happened to disappear.

His phone buzzes but he doesn’t even bother looking at it. He looks at his cluttered desk instead. He starts to move papers in to piles and organize when his phone buzzes again. He sighs and picks it up. There are two messages. The first one says _Cassie hurry up I have a meeting in 3 and I can’t be late._ He rolls his eyes. The second message is from a different number. The message says: _Hey Cas, this is Dean. I just wanted to let you know this was my number._ Cas sucks in a breath. He texts Balthazar back first, telling him to go to his meeting at that they can catch up another time because he has something he needs to take care of. Once he finishes he stares at Deans message. _Hello Dean. What are you doing tonight?_ He wants to see him again. It takes Dean a moment to text back. _Looking for a new apartment. I am currently staying at Sam’s which he doesn’t mind but his one bed room apartment isn’t really cutting it for two grown men._ Castiel reads the message and wonders why Dean was at the motel last night then. _Why did you have me drive you to a motel last night if you are staying with Sam? I know a place you could stay. I rent out rooms of my house because it is too big for just me, and I have an open room. If you want it, it is yours._ Castiel knows that he shouldn’t because he doesn’t want to get to attached to Dean but he can’t help himself, he wants Dean in his life. _I didn’t want to wake Sammy, he had a big day of studying today so I figured I would just crash in a motel for one night. And really? That would be awesome, how much to rent it?_ Dean responds. _$500 a month._ He taps his foot nervously on the floor. _That sounds perfect._ Castiel smiles. _Do you want to meet in the morning and see the room and discuss details before you agree to anything?_ Cas texts. He stands and goes to look out the window. Balthazar is nowhere to be found. He must have pissed him off when he didn’t go out to visit with him. His phone buzzes. _Sounds awesome. I will bring coffee._ But at this moment Castiel can care less if Balthazar is pissed or not. All he can do is smile.


	4. The House

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it has been a while! Hope you enjoy!! Feel free to let me know what you think!

           Dean tossed and turned all night, his mind racing with thoughts of Castiel. They texted back and forth for an hour, talking about what Castiel’s house is like and meeting around 9:30, before Dean had work the next morning, then Castiel had to get back to work. Dean rolls over on the couch, looking at the clock on the wall. He groans when he sees 6 am.

           He sits up and rubs his face and thinks of his morning agenda. Shower, go talk to Bobby, then go to Cas’s. That won’t take much time so Dean decides to go for a run. He gets up, and puts on his sweats. He looks toward Sammy’s room as he walks to the door; he considers going back to the kitchen to write a note letting Sam know where he is just in case he gets up while Dean is out, but decides he won’t be gone that long.

            Dean steps outside, the crisp morning air sends chills up his spine. He sets out down the street. He thinks about Cas, his kindness, his eyes, and wonders how today will go. Castiel not only helps distract him from _her_ but he helped solve the problem of what to do with the whole house thing. Dean is thrilled to have found a place to stay so soon, and is even more thrilled that he will be seeing Cas every day now and he will have somewhere to sleep other than on Sam’s couch. And Sam, Dean needs to pay him back. His baby brother not only let him stay there after everything with Lisa, he was also his lawyer when she filed. Dean was so tired. He wonders what Lisa is doing, if she ever thinks about him, but Dean already knows the answer to that. He picks up his pace, breathing hard. Dean makes it to the end of Sammy’s street, turning on to Main Street. The town is still quiet, only a few people active at this hour. His eyes roam over the store fronts, most of them holding memories. He runs by the diner he took Lisa to for their first date, and the spot on the street where they had their first kiss and he is forced to swallow down the saudade feeling is his throat. Dean looks down the street, and decides he isn’t too far from Bobby’s shop and might as well get it out of the way. He runs and thinks of everything, his mind keeping up with his feet as he jogs along the side walk. Dean was determined to make today a good day. He was going to see Castiel and everything was going to be great.

* * *

Dean opens Sam’s front door, dripping in sweat and exhausted. Maybe running all the way to the shop and back home wasn’t a great idea. He smells coffee as he gets further inside.

“Dean, that you?” He hears from the bathroom.

“Who else would it be?” he calls back. He walks into the kitchen and pours himself a cup of coffee.

“Where did you go?” Sam says as he walks in.

“For a run.”

“You hate running.”

“I was awake and it helps clear my head.” Dean turns around to face Sam, who gives him a look.

“Dean, if you want to talk about--”

“I’m going to go take a shower.” Dean says walking past Sam. Sam sighs.

“Good, because you stink.” Sam says. Dean tries not to laugh but he can’t help it. Today was going to be a good day, it had to be if he was going to be seeing Castiel. He was tired of feeling sad about Lisa and decided that he wasn’t going to let her drag him down anymore.

* * *

Castiel stands in the kitchen rubbing his hands on his jeans. He checks the clock for what feels like the millionth time today. Dean will be here soon. He lets out a sigh and starts doing dishes to occupy himself. Jessica walks into the kitchen right as Cas finishes the last dish.

“Morning Castiel.” Jessica says walking over to the coffee pot.

“Good morning.” He starts rubbing his hands on his thighs again.

“Why are you nervous?” Jess says with a smirk.

“What? I am not nervous.” The look on Castiels face says otherwise.

“You’re doing that thing again, where you rub your hands on your legs Castiel.” She puts her hands on her hips. Cas stops moving his hands.

“What time is the new tenant coming by?” she says when Castiel stays silent. Cas groans checking the clock again and his hands start to move on his legs once more. Jess laughs.

“He should get here any minute now.” His stomach does flips. He looks around the kitchen trying to find something to occupy his time. There’s a knock on the door.

“I got it!” Jess yells running for the door before Castiel can even react. He is thankful that Jessica is answering the door so he can have a moment to prepare.

Jessica makes it to the door and flings it open. She sees a tall handsome man in brown leather jacket that looks too big for him, a green button up and black tee-shirt underneath. He smiles at her but looks confused. He has coffee and a white paper bag in hand.

“Hi! I am Jessica, I am a tenant here, come on in Castiel is in the kitchen.” She gives Dean a warm smile as they make their way to the kitchen.

* * *

“So how long have you been staying here?” Dean asks the petite blonde who is still in her pajamas, once he steps inside.

“About two and a half years? I am in law school and this is cheaper than living on campus. I work off my rent at the bar.” Jessica says.

“So, that’s where I recognize you from. You know, my baby brother is in law school too. Maybe you guys could study together sometime.” Dean says glancing at her as they walk down a hall way. Jessica lets out a small laugh.

“Yea, sounds great--” she pauses waiting for his name.

“Dean Winchester.” He smiles at her.

“Nice to meet you Dean.” She gives him a warm smile as they walk into the kitchen. They both look at Cas who blushes. Castiel, who wears a white button down shirt with a red hoody, that looks as if it has seen better days, and a pair of dark jeans smiles at Dean.

“Here, give this to your brother.” Jess says, setting a piece of paper on the counter next to Dean, before slowly backs out of the room a smile on her face.

“Hey Cas.” Dean says his eyes o Castiels.

“Good morning Dean, how are you?” Castiel smiles.

“Doing okay, how about you.” Dean hands Cas a coffee and the white bag.

“Good.” Cas gratefully takes the coffee.

“Thanks.” He smiles at Dean. Dean winks at Cas, who blushes.

“So how many people live here?” Dean inquires.

“Well it’s me, Jessica, who you have met, and Linda and her son Kevin.” Cas sips his coffee. Dean watches Castiels chapped lips meet the plastic of the lid. He would bet they would feel great against his. He looks up to meet the blue eyes that are watching him. Castiel smirks, and this time its Deans turn to blush.

“So, uh, can I see the place?” Dean rubs his neck awkwardly.

“Oh, yea, sorry, got side tracked.” Cas stands up straight from where he was leaning against the counter. He gestures to the room around him. The kitchen, with its white cabinets and marble countertops looks as if it were just redone. The updated appliances are another sign to prove Dean is right. He can imagine that cooking would be nice in a large kitchen like this one and he gets to thinking about how nice it would be to cook for Castiel in this kitchen. A small smile tugs at his lips from the idea. He looks at Cas who seems to be watching him.

“Kitchen.” Cas says. He heads back down the hall that Jessica had led him down to a stairway right by the front door. The spacious house has large windows that let in a lot of light. The pine floors that must be original to the house are in good condition. They go up the stairs to a landing where he sees six doors that are spread down a long hallway. He points to the first one on the landing next to where they stand.

“This is the bathroom that everyone uses but each bed room has a small bathroom attached.” Dean looks in the open door. He sees a large room that looks up dated and clean; there are white and gray tile floors and a clawfoot tub, and a clean white vanity. The walls are a simple light grey color.

They head farther down the hall, stopping next to a closed door.

“This is Jessica’s room.” They go down a few more steps to where there are two closed doors directly across from each other.

“These are the Trans’ rooms.” Dean nods at Cas. They move down to where there are two open doors.

“These are the two open rooms. You can choose which one you want.”

“Where is your room?” Dean asks out of curiosity. Castiel points to the closed door next to where Cas is standing. Dean is either next door to Cas or across the hall. This will be interesting. Dean opens the door that is across the hall looking inside. The room is a good size with open windows with a view of the backyard, which is full of old oak trees. Dean takes a step in. There is a closet and a bathroom and a bed, Dean is grateful that that is one less thing he will need to buy. This would work.

“So, is this going to work?” Castiel says trying to hide the hope in his voice.

“Yea, it’s perfect Cas. Thanks again.” Dean smiles at Castiel shyly.

“When do you think you’ll move in?” Cas asks.

“Probably today after work, if that’s okay.” He turns towards Cas. Their eyes meet and all they do is look at each other for a minute.

“You guys going to stand there and gaze into each other’s eyes all day?” Dean looks over and sees an awkward looking Asian boy. He smiles at them.

“Good morning Kevin.” Cas says. The boy waves at them before going down stairs.

“Want to see the rest of the down stairs?” Cas says. Dean nods. They go down and see a dining room, living room, family room, a small library, and stop in a sun room.

“This is my favorite room in the house.” Castiel says. Dean looks around the sun room with its floor to ceiling windows and the two large wing backed leather chairs with a small rustic wooden coffee table in the center. The room is bright and has two large plants, ferns of some sort, in each corner.

“I can see why.” Dean walks around to one of the chairs and sits. He looks out the large windows at the expansive yard, green grass and oak trees and a small stream running through it. Cas sits next to him and Dean can feel him staring holes into Dean. He looks over.

“Was this your parents’ house?” he asks. Cas nods.

“It is wonderful. I bet you and your brothers had a lot of fun here.”

“Indeed.” Cas smiles. Dean stays silent.

“What time do you have to go to work?” Castiel asks. Dean checks his watch and grimaces.

“Now.” He lets out a sigh and looks at Cas but doesn’t move.

“What time are you off today? We can talk more about the details later.” Castiel says.

“Depends. Probably around 7.” Dean says. They both stand and slowly walk towards the front door.

“Alright, the bar is closed today so I will be here.” They stop by the door. Dean puts his hands in his pockets and looks at Cas.

“See you tonight then?” Dean says, Cas smiles.

“See you tonight.” 

Dean feels giddy at the idea that he will be coming home to Castiel tonight. Maybe things were going to start working out for the older Winchester boy for the first time in a while, and the idea of that gave Dean hope.


	5. Its a Date

The work day went by slow, which gave Dean too much time to think about going home to Castiel, but finally, it was closing time.

“You can head out whenever you are ready Dean.” Bobby walked over, wiping his grease covered hands on a dirty rag.

“Nothing else that needs to be done tonight?” Dean asks.

“I can take care of it boy.” Dean laughs.

“Have you talked to John?” Bobby gave Dean a look like he already knew the answer to it.

“No. He has been drinking again.” Dean looked at his boots. Bobby answers with a grunt.

“How is Sam.”

“Sammy is good, been studying. He got an A on his last test.” Dean feels himself smile.

“Not surprising.” Bobby says.

“That’s what I said.”

“Tell him I said hi and to keep up the good work.” Bobby says.

“Will do, see you tomorrow Bobby.” Dean walks out of the shop and starts baby, jittery and ready to get to his new home.

* * *

Dean drives down the long winding driveway, still surprised at how nice his house is. He pulls into the spot next to Cas’s car. Dean gets out, grabbing his duffel bag, and looks at his reflection in the window; he is covered in grease and is sweaty and his green tee-shirt now has smudges all across it. Great. He runs his hands through his hair as if that’ll help. He walks toward the front door hearing music playing faintly from inside. As Dean gets closer he realizes he is hearing “No one like you” by The Scorpions. He laughs and shakes his head. Not only was Cas beautiful, he had good taste in music.

Dean walks up to the door, unsure of weather to knock or just go in. But before he has anytime to contemplate what to do, Jess opens the door almost smacking into Dean. She starts to lose her balance so Dean reaches out and grabs her shoulders.

“Woah, steady there.”

“I am sorry about that Dean! I am in a hurry, see you tomorrow!” Jessica smiles at Dean before running for her little 2006 blue beetle. Dean laughs and heads into the door she left ajar. He sets his bag on the bottom step of the stairs then continues towards the hallway.  

He follows the music which has changed from Scorpions to Guns n’ Roses’ “Knockin' On Heaven's Door”. He walks into the kitchen to find Castiel sitting at the island in the middle of the room with his computer open. He looks focused so Dean takes a moment to admire the gorgeous person in front of him before he notices Dean standing here. There are no words to do his crazy, hot hair justice. It looked as if he just ran his fingers through it and didn’t really care if it was sticking up in every direction, which it was. That seemed to be a trend when it came to how Castiel wore his hair, Dean was noticing. He was squinting at his computer, as if he didn’t understand what he was seeing, with his head slightly tilted to the side and the light from the screen illuminated his sapphire eyes and made his dark lashes stand out against his smooth, perfectly tanned skin. His fingers were steepled in front of his perfect lips, sheltering them from Deans view, with his thumbs tucked under his chin. His elbows rested on the white counter on either side of his computer making his toned arms stand out. He wore a loose fitting grey ACDC shirt that gave Dean a great view of his collar bones from where it stooped lower on one side. Dean took a step closer to Castiel, catching his attention. Their eyes met and held for a moment before Castiel lowers his hands and Dean sees a bright smile.

“Dean.” Castiel says in surprised toned. Dean smiles at him.

“Hey Cas.”

“You hungry?” Castiel closes his computer and stands up rubbing his hands on his thighs.

“Yea, want me to cook dinner? You looked busy.”

“Oh no, I was just killin’ time.” Castiel says, blushing slightly.

“You sure, I can make one mean burger.” Dean walks over to the sink to wash up.

“Do you want to make me dinner Dean Winchester?” Castiel crosses his arms over his chest with a smirk. Dean dries his hands and turns to face Castiel, resting against the counter crossing his arms as well.

“It’s a date.” Dean smiles at Castiel and walks past him, their arms brushing lightly, to the fridge to see what he can make for Castiel. He sees chicken, hamburger, and steaks.

“Am I aloud to use any of this stuff in here?”

“Yes sir.” Cas sits back down and turns on some music. The song “Takin’ Care of Business” begins to play.

“I love this song, you have great taste.” Cas laughs, a happy bubbly sound. Dean grins.

“Burgers or steaks?” He asks.

“Well you did say you make a ‘mean burger’.” Castiel turns to straddle his chair so he can watch Dean.

“That is true. Burgers it is!” Dean pulls out the meat while dancing along to the song. He starts working on the patties, all the while still dancing and singing along. Castiel rest his chin on the back of the chair and watches Dean. He lets out a laugh when Dean starts shuffling around on his feet and wiggling his shoulders. He turns dramatically to Castiel, holding a patty.

“Spices?” Cas points to the cabinet where they are. Dean sets the patty on the cutting board he is using and goes to the cabinet, grabbing salt, pepper, basil, paprika, and garlic salt. He sets all of those down by his work station and turns back to Cas.

“Two things: a small bowl, and a cast iron pan.” Cas slides from his perch and retrieves the items for Dean. Deans hand brushes Castiels when he takes the bowl from him and he can’t help but feel like this is so normal, like they have been doing this for years. Lisa pops into his mind, and his heart instantly sinks. Things where never this easy with her. They never did things like this. Dean turns back to the spices so Cas doesn’t notice the change in his mood. He measures out the spices and coats the burgers before turning to the pan on the stove. Dean looks up to see Castiel watching him. Dean turns his attention to the pan.

“How can I help?” The song ends and “Hurts so Good” begins to play. Dean perks back up. He is with Castiel, who might as well be his guardian angel. At least someone appreciated his company and that was enough for Dean right now.

“What do you like on your burger?” Dean turns the stove on to get the pan heating up.

“Where are the spatulas?” Dean ask turning to Castiel. Castiel pulls one out and throws it to Dean, who easily catches it. He starts belting out the song into the spatula like it’s a microphone, and Castiel doubles over with laughter. Dean continues to sing loudly and off key while he cooks the burgers. While they cook, Dean helps Castiel cut up a tomato, onion, and some lettuce. Cas goes to the pantry and grabs the buns tossing them to his friend, who puts two in the pan with the burgers to toast them. Cas grabs some plates and Dean takes the food out of the pan once it finishes, then they set up their burgers together, shoulders bumping every now and then.

“Where should we eat at?” Castiel asks.

“You pick, I made dinner.” Dean says with a smirk. Cas rolls his eyes, then starts walking down the hall and Dean has a feeling he’s going to the sun room. Dean was right. They sit with their plates in their laps and look out into the darkness before them, the only light being the moon.

“Ok, want to play a game?” Castiel asks.

“Sure, what game?” Dean inquires.

“It is called the question game. So I ask you a question and you answer then you ask me a question and I answer, and so on and so forth.” Castiel takes a bite of his burger then looks at Dean with wide eyes.

“This is amazing, my goodness.” Dean laughs and then takes a bite as well.

“Okay, so, I will start easy. What is your middle name?” Cas asks.

“Ross,” Dean says with a full mouth, “Who was your first kiss?” Dean watches Castiel choke on his burger from laughing.

“Well so much for starting easy! My first kiss was a guy I went to high school with named Uriel.” Castiel pauses to think.

“Have you ever been in a fight?”

“Many times. What is the craziest thing you have done?”

“Aside from getting a tattoo?” Cas looks at Dean.

“Yes.” Dean smiles over his burger.

“That’s an easy one. One time my brothers and I found a stray dog and our parents were against pets so we hid it upstairs in our rooms for two whole months before they found out and made us get rid of her. Her name was Spots.” Cas has a bitter sweet look on his face as he recalls the story and Dean smiles. “That’s a good question, what about you?” Cas says and Dean laughs.

“Well I have done a lot of crazy things, but the first thing that comes to mind is that I had gotten really drunk this one time and decided that riding a mechanical bull sounded like a great idea,”

“Oh no.” Castiel laughs.

“Yea, and it didn’t go well.” Dean shakes his head.

“I can imagine.”

“Just a word of advice: Don’t drink and ride.” Castiel laughs at that.

“What is your favorite color?” Dean asks and a bright smile spreads across Castiels face, like he is happy and surprised that would ask that of all questions.

“Green probably.” He says as he stairs into Deans eyes. Dean smiles at his friend.

“What is the best gift you have ever gotten?” Cas takes another bite.

“Well I haven’t gotten many gifts because my dad wasn’t really around a lot, and my mom passed away when I was four, but one Christmas, Sammy gave me this.” Dean pulls a necklace out from under his shirt to show Castiel. Castiel looks at the amulets little face and nods.

“You really didn’t get much growing up?” Castiel asks.

“Is that your question?” Dean says with a laugh.

“Yes.”

“Yes, my dad believed we didn’t have time for childish things so we didn’t get toys. Our uncle Bobby got us a football and played with us though. He raised us a lot of the time since my dad wasn’t really around.” Cas looks at his plate with a sad look.

“You had to grow up so fast.” Castiel says sadly.

“Yea, but it’s all right. Why did you open a bar and not a restaurant or something?” Castiel notices the subject change but chooses to ignore it.

“I am not sure a bar just, felt right.” Castiel says. They both finish the last bites of their burgers.

Dean grunts. And reaches over grabbing Castiels plate from his lap, then turns to head for the kitchen. Castiel jumps up and follows after him.

Dean gathers all the dishes from around the kitchen and puts them into the sink.

“I wash you dry?” Dean asks.

“I can clean up everything since you cooked, if you want to go shower.” He asks.

“Nope. Not showering till I clean up after myself.” Castiel sighs.

“Are you sure?” Dean starts doing dishes in response.

“Do you want to continue our game?” Castiel asks as he grabs a dish towel from one of the drawers.

“Sure, it’s your turn.” Dean says. Castiel takes a deep breath and prepares himself to ask about what he wants to know.

“If it is not too intrusive, why did you marry Lisa?” Castiel says watching Dean from the corner of his eye. Dean doesn’t respond for a moment and Castiel begins to feel nervous.

“To be honest, I don’t even know any more. I thought that she and I worked well together, so I asked and she said yes. I don’t regret it, but I am not exactly pleased with it either, if that makes sense.” He takes a deep breath then continues. “And you know what the worst part is? All my friends told me not to do it. Even Sam told me it was a bad idea, but I didn’t listen. These days, I really wish that I had listened.” Dean swallows the lump in his throat. No, he did not regret his marriage, but he wouldn’t have done it if he knew it would turn out the way it did.

“You and her probably did work at one point, but as we grow, we change. We become different people and we require different things. She went one way in life and you went another, and there is nothing you could have done about it.” Castiel had a point, they were both so young when they met and then life happened. But Dean still didn’t believe that there wasn’t anything he could have done to save their marriage.

“You know, you are pretty wise Cas. What made you so smart.”

“Experience.” He says with a sad smile.

“You want to know one good thing that came from my divorce?” Dean says glancing at Cas.

“What.”

“I met you. And I am really really glad I did.” Dean says. Cas feel his cheeks warm at that. Cas dries the last dish putting it in its designated location, before they head towards the stairs. Dean grabs his bag from the step where he left it before they continue up.

“So, what do you have going on tomorrow?” Castiel asks.

“Just work. We on for dinner again tomorrow?” Dean asks.

“Sure, but tomorrow I will cook for you. Even if it will not compare.” Cas says with a laugh. They stop at the end of the hall by their respective doors. Once again, emerald meets sapphire and freezes there. Deans eyes flicker down to Castiels lips for a brief second because he cannot help glancing at those kissable lips at least once before he goes to sleep for the night. The tension in the hallway grows thick. Castiel feels heat curl in his stomach. He looks at Deans smooth, full lips and Deans lips part for a small intake of breath. Castiel clears his throat. Dean looks at his boots.

“Well, I guess I will see you in the morning then Cas.” Dean says rubbing his neck.

“Yes, for sure.” They stand there for a minute not sure what to do when Cas opens his arms for a hug and takes a half step towards Dean in the already cramped hallway.

“Yea. Uh.” Dean says, stepping in to the hug, accidentally stepping on Castiels foot causing him to trip into Castiels embrace. They wrap their arms around each other in a too tight hug, but neither of them care. Dean is so focused on the way that Castiels arms feel around him, safe and warm and right, and how he smells like honey and mint that he doesn’t realize that the hug has gone on for a longer than necessary amount of time. He pulls away and rubs his neck, feeling his face turn red. Castiel rubs his hands on his thighs. They both let out an awkward laugh and don’t make eye contact.

“Good night Dean.”

“Night Cas.” They both go into their separate rooms. Once the door closes Dean rubs his face with both hands.

“Really?” he whispers to himself as he walks to the bathroom. “Really Dean?”

* * *

Castiel leans against his door and lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He didn’t understand how someone could smell so good, even covered in grease after a day of hard work. He didn’t know how someone could feel so right in their arms and the way that Dean leaned into him helped proved to Castiel that the feeling was mutual.


	6. Midnight Snacks

Dean can’t sleep. He feels as if he has been tossing and turning since he laid down after situating his room, showering, and talking on the phone with Sammy. The bed is comfortable but Dean just doesn’t feel tired. He looks at the clock on his nightstand. _12 AM_. Fuck. Maybe if he got some water he would feel better. He slides out of his bed and walks towards his door. He cracks it open and looks at Castiels closed door, then down the long dark hall. The coast is clear, so Dean feels comfortable walking around the silent house in his under-amour underwear and raggedy tee-shirt. He listens carefully for any signs of running into anyone at this hour, but all is quiet in the spacious house. Dean heads down the stairs turning into the hallway leading to the kitchen, but stops when he hears a creak in the kitchen. He creeps slowly around the corner, and peers into the kitchen, lit by a single night light by the sink.

Dean burst out laughing at what he sees, he can’t help it. He sees Castiel in nothing but white loose fitting boxers sitting cross legged on the middle of the large kitchen island staring into space as he eats a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Castiel jumps at the sound of Deans laughter and looks in his direction.

“D-Dean?” Castiel asks.

“What in the hell are you doing?” Dean asks, tears in his eyes from laughing. He steps into the kitchen still laughing.

“I- I am having a snack. What are you doing, why are you awake?” he looks fluster and embarrassed.

“Why are you sitting on the island?” Dean walks over to the cabinet where the cups are and grabs a glass, filling it with water before turning towards Castiel who stares at him with wide eyes.

“I, um, it’s a habit. I always sit up here when I come down for a snack. Mostly because I have never been caught I guess.” Castiel says, a smile slowly but surely forming on his lips. Dean walks over and climbs up onto the sturdy island beside Castiel, his legs dangling over the edge. They sit in silence for a moment, Dean drinking his water and Castiel eating his sandwich watching Dean in surprise.

“I couldn’t sleep, new house jitters I guess.” Dean says in between sips of water. He stares at the floor, too afraid to look at the beautiful shirtless man next to him, in fear of getting caught ogling him now that his laughter has died down. From the corner of his eyes he can see how muscly he is and Dean feels a fire flare up in his belly. He needs to think of something else before he embarrasses himself.

“Probably. Want a PB&J? They often make it easier for me to sleep because I don’t sleep well. This is my one in the morning routine.” Cas says looking over. Dean smiles.

“Why PB&J’s though?” Dean says without looking up.

“They are my favorite. But only with grape jelly. Jam is… unsettling.” Dean smiles and finally looks over at Cas. But only at his face, which looks confused and lost in thought about jam. Dean lets out another laugh, shaking his head.

“What do you think of the house?” Cas asks as he takes another bite of his sandwich. Dean stomach growls and he decides that maybe a sandwich is a good idea, so he gets down to make one.

“I think it is great. It feels so open and homey, and I am the last person to know what homey feels like.” Dean walks over to the pantry in search of bread. He looks but does not see it. He doesn’t even see peanut butter.

“Hey Cas,” Dean turns to asks Castiel about the sandwich stuff, “where is the bread and peanut butter?” Cas slides off the counter with the silent grace and ease of a cat. He pads over to a bread box next to the fridge that Dean didn’t notice before. Dean walks over to where Castiel is, stopping behind him, a little off to the side so he can see over Castiels shoulder. He watches the man set his half-eaten sandwich on top of the bread box, and pull out some bread for Deans sandwich. When Cas turns to walk to the fridge he smacks into Dean almost toppling over, causing Dean to reaches out for Castiels shoulders to steady him. They stand mere inches apart, their eyes and bodies locked in that spot. Deans eyes drop from Castiels, to his lips which are slightly parted. Dean clears his throat and removes his hands from Castiels shoulders but his eyes stay on the other man’s lips, which turn up into a smirk. They still don’t move. Dean takes a step back turning to the fridge. He opens it and looks in. He can’t remember what he was looking for so he just stares in like maybe he will remember if he sees it. Cas walks up behind Dean, who is hyperaware of every move Castiel makes, and reaches his hand under Deans arm towards the door, where he finally notices a jar of peanut butter and a jar of jelly. Cas, with the jars in hand, goes back over to the bread, a small husky laugh leaving his lips. Dean lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding and closes the fridge. He doesn’t move, feeling a little off balanced.

“You want the crust cut off?” Cas asks. An old memory is stirred up in the back of Deans mind of his mother making him a sandwich with the crust cut off.

“If you don’t mind.” He mumbles. Cas walks over and hands Dean the sandwich. He takes it, looking up to smile at Cas, who watches him with careful eyes. With their sandwiches in hand they walk over to the island where Cas gets back to his spot the middle and Dean sits on the edge again. They munch in silence.

“It’s so quiet here.” Dean says looking around the lifeless house.

“It always has been. That’s the main reason I love this place. It is like my own personal heaven.” Cas eats the last bite of his sandwich folding his hands in his lap.

“Maybe it’s the silence that’s making it hard to sleep. Lisa always talked in her sleep.” Dean says. Castiel nods.

“I can imagine that it is going to get some taking use to.” Castiel watches him. Maybe he could offer his room to Dean… Castiel thinks that that may not be the best thing for Dean right now.

Castiel waits with Dean while he finishes the lasts bites of his PB&J, cleaning up his PB&J mess, then watches Dean go put his empty glass into the dishwasher.

“Ready?” Castiel is answered with a nod. They head up the stairs stopping by their doors just as they did only hours ago. Dean thinks of their awkwardly satisfying hug and feels his face redden.

“If you still can’t sleep after the snack, come knock on my door and we can go watch a movie or something.” Castiel offers with a wink.

“Thanks for the sandwich. I will keep your offer in mind.” Dean smirks.

“What do you have going on tomorrow?” Castiel crosses his arms and leans against his door.

“Work till six, what about you?”

“Work. Not sure what time I am off tomorrow.”

“Huh, well I will see you at some point tomorrow then.”

“For sure.” They stand and look in each other’s direction, it being too dark to see one another. Cas laughs softly into the silence and dean can hear him shifting on his feet.

“Goodnight Dean.”

“Night Cas. By the way, nice pajamas, if you could consider them that. Or should I say nice lack of pajamas.” Cas can practically hear the smirk in Deans voice. He lets out a throaty laugh and opens his door.

“Back at you. Those boxers make your ass look great.” He goes into his room and closes his door before Dean can respond. Dean smiles and goes into his room, knowing that he will be having sweet dreams tonight.


	7. Downward Slope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up, this chapter is a little sad, it starts to show Deans struggles with depression, I hope it isn’t too upsetting to you guys. On a side note, Thank you so much to those of you who have left comments! They make me so happy (It is a great feeling to wake up to an email about a comment left on The Revival), and inspire me to keep writing! I appreciate them and the kudos greatly! I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, even if it is a little sad!!

Even though the week went by fast, Dean is thankful that it is finally Friday. His first week in the new house was good. On Tuesday, Dean ate dinner with Jess, the Trans, and Sammy; Castiel was at work until 11, but when he got home Dean sat with him while he ate the plate they saved him. On Wednesday, Dean ate at Sam’s and listened to him rant on and on about how great Jess is and how happy he is that Dean set them up. On Thursday Dean ate alone at the house, but it was a content alone. And today, Cas said he would be home for dinner because Charlie was going to close up. On Deans way home from work, he stopped and grabbed some beers and steaks before he was on his way home to start grilling.

He parks in his spot, and walks into the house; he can tell Jess is home from the pop music playing. Dean walks to the kitchen, where he finds Jessica and Castiel cooking something that smells delicious. Deans stomach growls.

“What are you doing home so early Cas!” Dean says walking up to the island.

“I told you Charlie was closing so I only had a few things to do! I have been home for a few hours and asked Jess if she’d help me cook you dinner!” Castiel says looking at Dean with huge grin on his face. Dean smiled back.

“Well I brought the beer then!” Dean walks over to the fridge sliding in the beers and steaks then goes to sit at the stools by the island. He folds his arms on the counter and smiles at Cas and Jess.

“So, Jess, how are things with Sammy.” Dean asks, already knowing the answer to that. She smiles at him bashfully.

“Good, thanks for asking. I think he may be coming over tonight but I don’t know for sure. We are going on mini vacation this weekend to my parent’s cabin.” She walks over to the sink to wash her hands.

“Only known each other a week and you’re already going on vacations together?” Dean raises his eyebrows at her. She laughs and shrugs her shoulders.

“I like him. He is a good guy. He is polite, and sweet, and caring, and so very hot.” She stairs out the window above the sink like she is lost in thought.

“Gross.” Dean stands and goes to the fridge grabbing a beer. He decides a change of subject is in order. He turns his attention to Castiel.

“How was your day Cas?” Cas sits on one of the stools and Dean joins him. Jess phone starts ringing so she leaves the room to answer it.

“For the most part uneventful.” He rests his elbows on the counter and rubs his face, then runs his fingers through his hair, disheveling it. Dean can practically see the stress rolling off him.

“For the most part? What happened?” Dean feels worried for his friend.

“Balthazar came into the bar today.”

“Mr. It’s complicated?” Dean stomach twist in knots and he has no clue why. He takes a swig of his beer.

“Yep. He was pissed at me because I have been avoiding him and his phone calls. Then he proceeded to tell me that he is going to Europe for a month and wants me to accompany him.” Cas says staring ahead.

“Well shit, sounds exciting, when do you leave?” Dean says, peeling at the label on his beer. He makes eye contact with Cas.

“I’m not going.” Cas tilts his head and squints at Dean like he is trying to understand Dean’s reasoning.

“Why the hell not? Its Europe Cas.” Castiels scrutinizes Dean.

“Because, Dean, I can't miss work for that long and because I can hardly stand Balthazar for 10 minutes these days let alone a month in Europe.”

Dean is astounded.

“Huh.” He says, staring into the sea of blue he is often lost in. But his focus is broken when a loud beep resonates around the kitchen. They hear Jess yell form the other room that the pie is done.

“Pie?” Deans head jerks to look at the oven. Castiel walks over and pulls the desert out, and the whole kitchen fills with the warm sweet smell of apples and cinnamon. The delicious scent has his mouth watering and he stands to go look at the heavenly treat that the heavenly man holds in his oven mitts. The perfectly browned top is sprinkled with cinnamon, and Dean can see the crisp apples peeking out from under the lattice top.

“Please tell me this is what you planned for dinner.” Dean looks up to Castiel smirking.

“Sadly no.” he sets the pie down and walks over to the fridge. Dean stands and stairs at the beautiful creation on the stove, hearing Cas laughing from behind him somewhere.    

“I can see why you wanted to make him pie Cas.” Jessica says walking into the kitchen.

“Yea no kidding.” Cas says with a small laugh.

“I am going to go take a shower. Dean, Sam is coming over in an hour.”

“Pie.” Dean says. He turns as Jess leaves, her soft laughter filling the hallway.

Deans phone rings. He pulls it out of his pocket checking the number on the screen. He sighs and doesn’t answer right away, maybe he should let it go to voicemail.

“Who is it?” Castiel asks watching Dean with careful eyes.

“My father.” Dean answers the phone.

“Hello?”

“D-Dan, don. I need car.” He slurs over the phone. Dean hears shouting in the background.

“You need a ride?” Dean watches Castiel to keep himself calm. Why did John have to drink so much. Dean drank, but not like this.

“No, boy. I, I need. I need the car back.” John slurs, a drunken laugh leaving his lips.

“No, you can’t drive anymore remember?” Dean says, looking at the floor.

“I know, I know, I know. I need it for, something. Else.” Johns slurred words were beginning to piss Dean off.

“You are not selling it off. You sold it to me last time you need to pay your debts, so it’s mine now.” Dean pinches the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes.

“Listen here, you little prick. That, that’s my car and I can,” John trips or drops his phone because Dean hears a clatter on the line and john cussing “I can do what I want with it, you hear?”

“Actually, dad the car is not yours. So you can find another way to get your booze because, sorry, it’s not happening.”

“Bring me my God damn car you insolent brat before--” Dean hangs up the phone.

“Dick!” he yells slamming his phone on the counter. He rubs his face and turns away from Cas, angry at John for being so god damn infuriating.

“Sorry Cas.” Dean apologizes, running his hands through his hair before dropping them in fists at his sides. He takes a deep breath, and feels a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Are you alright?” Cas says in a soft voice. Dean lets out a shuddering breath. He turns around to face Cas, not able to look him in the eyes.

“Yea, sorry about that. He just pisses me off.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Dean looks up and sees a worried expression on Cas’s face. He feels his face relax and shoulders slump.

“Him and Sam don’t even talk anymore. When Sam got into law school they got into it really badly and their ended up being a fist fight. I had to pull them off of each other and Sam doesn’t want anything to do with him anymore, not that I can blame him. If I wasn’t so worried about him doing something stupid, I probably wouldn’t talk to him either, but somebody has to look out for him, right? It wouldn’t be so difficult if he gave up drinking, but the day he does that is the day hell freezes over.” Dean sighs and shakes his head.

“Yes, that is really difficult. What were they fighting about?” Cas watches Dean.

“I don’t even know anymore, but whatever it was it was stupid.” Cas shakes his head.

“Has he tried rehab?” Cas asks.

“Four times I believe, it never lasts long.”

“That is unfortunate.” Cas looks sad.

“But whatever, there is nothing anyone can do about it so I shouldn’t get worked up I guess. What else do we need to do for dinner?” Dean was worked up but he tried not to let it show, especially in front of Cas.

“I have some steaks we need to grill, that’s it.” Cas walks to the fridge and grabs the steaks.

“Want me to do it?” Dean asks walking over to Cas who has stopped by the spice cabinet to grab his steak seasoning. Jess walks in right then.

“No, I got it Dean and Cas. You two go relax!” Jess says walking over to where they stand, taking the steaks and the seasoning from them.

“I thought you were showering?” Dean asks.

“I decided to do it after dinner, now go!” she says nudging Dean with her shoulder.

“Alright, alright, jeez.” Dean and Cas head out of the room.

“Do you need to change or are you staying in those.” Cas asks looking Dean up and down.

“What, is there a problem with my outfit?” Dean laughs looking at himself. His ratty work jeans are covered in grease and oil, and his dark blue shirt sort of looks black now.

“Okay I see your point. I’ll be right back.” Dean smiles and walks up stairs. When he makes it to the landing his phone chirps signaling a text. He walks into his room, slipping off his shirt before pulling out his cell. His heart stops beating, and his breath snags in his throat when he reads the name on the screen. Lisa. He opens the message. _Thank you for the note you left in my apartment. He was so very worth it because guess where I just got back from Dean? Hawaii. And in a few weeks, we are going to Australia, a place you will probably never get to see. He can actually take me on vacations and cares about other things besides his car. Getting divorced was the best thing I have done in a long time. XOXO Lis._

Dean drops to the floor and just sits there. He feels the cracks underneath his surface, the ones in his soul, expand. He thought maybe one day, Lisa would realize the mistake she’d made and that they could repair things, but now? Dean just sat. Things would never go back, never be the way they were and Dean feels empty. He had spent so much time loving one person entirely that he forgot to love himself, and that _feeling,_ that self-loathing, resonated through him now with a vengeance. He feels utterly alone, the sick ache in his stomach from knowing he wouldn’t ever be good enough, the throbbing in his head, his heart, and his soul, the cold all over, and it makes him want to scream until his lungs explode. Dean isn’t good enough for Lisa, or his father for that matter, and he will never be more than the pathetic man who couldn’t afford to treat his wife to nice things and the boy who could never make his father proud no matter how hard he tried. Dean feels as if he is breaking, and there is nothing that anyone could do to stop it.

* * *

10 minutes’ pass and Dean hasn’t returned. Castiel goes into the kitchen and chats with Jess. 20 minutes’ pass and still no Dean. Maybe he is showering. But when 40 minutes’ pass and Dean still hasn’t come back, Cas decides it is time to go check on him. He heads up the stairs stopping by Deans door. He softly knocks.

“Dean?” Cas says. He waits for a response but one never comes. Castiel opens the door. He sees Dean sitting on the floor his legs bent in front of him with his shirtless back to Cas. He takes a step into the room.

“Dean?” Castiel repeats, starting to worry. He walks over to stand in front of Dean. His red eyes, usually so full of life, look hallow as they stair empty holes into a spot on the floor between his legs. He looks defeated or broken or maybe both. Cas takes a step forward and kneels to be level with his friend. He reaches out and puts a hand on Deans shoulder.

“Dean?” he tries one more time. The man blinks and looks up at Cas.

“What’s going on?” Castiel says in such a gentle voice that he notices Deans eyes begin to water. Dean looks at the phone in his hand and feebly lifts it to give it to Cas. Cas takes it and puts it in his pocket.

“Do you want to lay down for a bit, then try dinner later?” Cas asks. Dean gives a small nod. Cas helps Dean up and then pulls the blankets on the bed down for him.

“Here let me grab your pajama shirt.” Cas looks around the room for it not seeing it, so he goes to check the bathroom, where he finds it folded on the counter. When he comes back out Dean is sitting in the bed with the sheets pulled up to his stomach, his hands resting on the blankets. Cas walks around to the side Dean is on, noticing the jeans on the floor, and sits on the edge by his knees. He hands him the shirt and Dean takes it, sliding the shirt on. He doesn’t say anything, just stairs at the bed his eyes watery.

“You gonna be alright here by yourself?” Castiel says watching Dean. He shrugs.

“Do you want me to stay?” Castiel asks looking at Dean. Dean opens his mouth like he is wants to say something. A tear falls down Deans check and he closes his mouth then angrily swipes it away. He gives a small nod, a shaky breath leaving his lips.

“Alright, let me go tell Jess we won’t be joining them for dinner I will be right back.” Dean nods then Castiel stands. He practically flies down the stairs and into the kitchen where he sees Jess chatting with a tall man with dark hair and green eyes. Jess sees Castiel enter the kitchen and turns to him.

“Hey Cas, this is Sam, Deans brother! Sam this is Castiel.” Cas looks up at the large man before him. He has a warm smile and kind face that makes Cas want a hug.

“Hello Sam. Nice to finally meet you.” He gives an awkward wave.

“Hey, Nice to meet you too, I have heard great things about you.” He pauses to look behind Cas. “Where is Dean?” He asks.

“That’s actually why I came down. He is not doing too well.” Cas pulls the phone from his pocket. “I went up and he was just sitting on the floor and when I asked what was wrong, he handed me his phone. I don’t know the passcode though.” Cas passes the phone to the concerned younger Winchester bother.

“He has been using the same password for as long as I can remember. 1967.” He holds the phone low enough so that they can all see, both Jess and Cas look over Sam’s shoulder. They all read the message and stand silently for a minute.

“What a bitch.” Jessica says breaking the silence.

“She always has been.” Sam looks furious and worried all at once. “How was he doing?”

“Not good he asked me to sit with him for a bit, so I said that I would come tell you guys we wouldn’t be having dinner with you.” Castiel says. His hands are shaking and he isn’t sure why. He thinks it’s from the adrenaline he got from worrying about his friend. He balls his hands into fists.

“I will make you guys a plate for later and put them in the microwave if you want.” Jess says.

“Thanks.” Cas says as he turns to leave.

“Castiel,” Sam says. Cas stops walking and turns to look at Sam. “Keep an eye on him. This sort of thing has happened before so if you don’t mind, can you keep an eye on him and let me know how he’s doing?” Sam looks nervous.

“Of course,” Cas says pulling his phone from his pocket. “Give me your number and I will text you how he is doing.” Sam looks grateful as he takes the phone and punches in his number.

“Maybe I shouldn’t go on this trip, what if he needs--”

“Sam, do not worry. Go enjoy yourself and I will keep an eye on him. I will be sure to let you know if anything happens.” Cas says. Sam looks guilty but nods, handing Castiel back his phone. He hurry’s back to Deans room. He knocks before opening the door. He sees Dean laying on the bed facing the door staring into space again. Castiel walks in and around the bed to the side Deans not on. He sits on the bed, close to the edge so he can have his space. They sit in silence for a while. Cas watches Deans back, the steady rise and fall of it, and wonders if he fell asleep. Just then Dean shifts, stretching is long legs under the blankets. He doesn’t turn over or move to face Cas. Castiel looks at the wall of windows, and considers opening them; it is stuffy in here. He shifts on the bed to stand but a hand grabs his wrist before he can. Castiel looks at Deans strong fingers, then up to see Dean looking at him. His eyes aren’t nearly as red any more, but the moisture made the green in his eyes more vibrant. Castiel loved this man’s eyes, he could look at them all day and never get bored.

“I am not going anywhere, I was just going to open a window.” Castiel says in a low voice just above a whisper. Dean lets go of him and turns back to face the door. Cas gets up and opens the window in the middle, a cool breeze blowing in instantly. He stands at the window for a moment looking into the starry night and enjoying the feel of the breeze on his skin, before he walks back over to the bed and sits. He would sit here with Dean all night if he had to.

* * *

Dean wakes with a start, gasping for breath. Not only does _she_ plague him while he is awake, apparently, she plagues his nightmares as well. He sits up on the bed and glances at the clock, which says 2:30 in the morning. He doesn’t remember falling asleep; the last thing he does remember was Castiel humming hallelujah quietly next to him. Dean looks over, surprised to see Castiel still there. The man, who fell asleep at some point, is sitting with his legs stretched out in front of him, crossed at the ankle. He is slouched against the head board, arms crossed over his chest with his head hanging there in a way that Dean knows will ache in the morning. Dean yawns and rubs his face. He wants to go back to sleep, and never wake up. The shitty feelings from the day before wash over him yet again squeezing his heart, making his throat ache. Dean reaches out and grabs Castiels shoulder.

“C-Cas.” His gravelly voice cracks from disuse. His eyes, and entire body for that matter, ache from not letting his emotions out. He gives Castiel another small shake.

“Cas-tiel” The crack in his voice frustrates him. Cas lifts his head up and winces. His hand instantly goes up to rub the sore muscles.

“Dean, is everything alright? You good?” Cas says, blinking away the sleep.

“I’m good Cas. You can go to sleep, you don’t need,” Deans voice cracks and he swallows, “Stay here all night.” He says squeezing his eyes shut.

Cas extends his arm to rest his hand on Deans upper arm.

“I don’t want to leave just in case you need me.” Cas whispers.

“I’ll be fine,” Dean swallows the aggravating tears that are starting to form down. “If not you are across the hall.”

“Are you sure, I can stay if you need me too.”

“You need your sleep Cas.” Cas just watches Dean.

“Fine but I am waiting till you fall back asleep.” Cas says rubbing his neck again.

“Cas,” Dean tries to protest but is cut off.

“I just want to make sure you are alright before I go that’s all. Once you fall back asleep I will go.” Dean just sighs and rolls back over. He hates himself a little more for the tears that fall while he lays there next to Castiel. Castiel starts humming hallelujah again and Dean starts to doze off. Right before he falls into a deep dreamless sleep, he hears Castiel say in a low voice that is barely audible,

“I will always be here when you need me Dean, I am not going anywhere, anytime soon you can count on that.” 


	8. Dreams

_“Dean you are useless.” She says with aggravation and anger._

_“But look I have been saving up for that trip to New York you wanted, and finally bought the tickets.” Dean holds out the papers to her._

_“I want a divorce.” She says. Dean gapes at her._

_“Wh-what?” Deans heart squeezes._

_“I. Want. A. Divorce. God how stupid can you be?” She says looking annoyed._

_“But, but why?” He doesn’t understand. He loves her, isn’t that enough?_

_“Because I am sick and tired of having, being, nothing Dean. I want a man that will treat me how I deserve to be treated. God Al was right.” Dean shutters._

_“Al, who is Al.” Dean watches the woman in front of him. How did they go from a simple argument about the electric bill to getting a divorce?_

_“Alastair is my boyfriend, and soon to be fiancé as soon as we wrap this whole mess up.”_

_“Boy- boyfriend? Fiancé? What the hell is going on?”_

_“Dean its simple. I don’t want to be with you anymore. Can you wrap your thick skull around that?” Dean just looks at her. She scoffs in annoyance and Dean is annoyed that she is treating him like this. What the hell?_

_“Look, here are the divorce papers. Sign them and leave them on the table.” Lisa drops a thick file on the table and grabs her purse, heading for the door._

_“Where are you going?”_

_“I have a date. I will be back for those papers in the morning. You better sign them.” She slams the door behind her and he feels it crack something inside of him. Dean starts to hyperventilate. What was happening. He grabs the nearest breakable thing he can and chucks it at the door. He watches the vase smash into a million pieces just like his heart. Dean drops to the floor, running his fingers through his hair. This had to be a sick joke. Dean felt like he was going to be-_

_There is a knock at the door. Dean looks up but doesn’t go to answer it. The door opens._

_Dean gasps when Castiel walk in. For some reason, he is in a business suit with a trench coat over the top of it. The blue tie he wears with the suit is backwards. His hair is fluffed up in its normal, post-sex style. He slowly walks over to Dean. He stops in front of where Dean sits and extends his hand to him. Dean takes his hand and they start walking toward the door._

_“Wh-where are we going Cas?” Dean asks._

_Castiel smiles at him._

_“Away.”_

* * *

Dean opens his eyes, his first thought being about how strangely comforting that dream was, and sees that the clock says 5:39am. He sighs. He looks over to see if Cas stayed. He did. At some point, Cas laid on his side facing the bathroom door. He looks cold. As quietly as he can Dean slides out of the bed. He wants to be alone for a bit. He lays the blankets over Cas then walks to his dresser to get a pair of sweatpants. He slides them on and glances at Cas, who looks peacefully asleep. He hopes he got some rest. Dean walks out of his bedroom and down the hall. He doesn’t know where to go, but he knows he wants coffee. He walks onto the kitchen and strait to the coffee pot. He doesn’t even realize that he walks by Jess and Sammy, so when Sammy says his name he flinches.

“Jesus Sam, don’t sneak up on me.” Deans voice is gravelly from disuse.

“Sorry,” he gives him a weak smile. “How are you doing?” Sam watches him.

“Good days and bad days Sammy. I just need some time that’s all.” Dean turns back to the coffee pot. He grabs a mug out of the cabinet and pours himself a cup. He turns back to his baby brother, whom looks like he just got slapped in the face.

“Are you excited for your trip?” Dean asks trying to cheer him up. His face softens a little but he can still see a hint of Sadness in Sam’s features.

“Yea it is going to be great.” Sam says.

“When are you guys leaving?” Dean looks at Jess who watches Sam.

“Any minute now.” Jess says. They all start walking to the door.

“Whose car are you taking?” Dean asks once they stop at the door.

“Sam’s. I have been having troubles with mine.” Jess says.

“Like what? I can take a look at it today if you’d like.”

“That would be great if you wouldn’t mind,” Jess lights up, giving Dean a warm smile before she looks up at Sam, who smiles at them both. “It isn’t starting and when I can get it to start, it makes this really weird ticking noise.” Dean gives her a nod.

“I have a few ideas of what it could be. I’ll take a look today, just make sure to leave me your keys.” She pulls her keys from her pocket and tosses them to Dean.

“You are the best. Thank you so much Dean.” Jess unravels from Sammy’s grasp and walks over, wrapping Dean in a warm, comforting hug.

“Really, it means a lot, thank you.” She smiles at him, and Dean gives her a smile back even if it doesn’t reach his eyes.

“You two have fun now.” He waves them out the door and once they leave, Dean grabs his running shoes and heads for the door.

* * *

Castiel smells coffee. He rubs his eyes, then opens them, slowly sitting up on the bed. He looks around the room, confused for a minute before remembering that he stayed in Deans room last night to make sure he was alright. He finds the source of the smell, a white paper cup sitting on the nightstand with his name, literally, written on it. He smiles and grabs the cup. He wonders where Dean is. He gets out of the bed, his neck throbbing from last night. He opens the door and considers taking a shower first but decides to find the Winchester first. He walks down the stairs and checks every room but cannot seem to find Dean. He decides to see if his car is still    here; he walks out the front door and toward the spot where they all park their cars; he has a good feeling that he has found him when he hears Metallica playing around the corner.

He finds Dean under the hood of Jessica’s bug. From what he can see Dean is wearing jeans that make his ass and legs look great, a light green tight fitting cotton tee-shirt, and combat boots. He wonders when the man got dressed, Castiel sleeping in his room and all. Dean steps out from under the hood, his back still to Castiel, and leans down to a small red tool box he has on the ground; he grabs some sort of wrench before turning his attention back to the car. Cas takes a few steps closer and still goes unnoticed.

“Hello Dean.” Dean flinches and whacks his head on the hood of the car, a loud thud resonating around them. Cas flinches too and tries not to laugh.

“Crap,” Dean rubs his head and come out from under the hood turning to Cas, “Dammit Cas!”

“Are you alright?” Cas says feeling slightly guilty.

* * *

“Yea I’m fine,” Dean rubs his head and looks at the man with his head slightly tilted and skeptically watching him. “Just- just don’t sneak up on someone when their head is under the hood alright?” Dean feels himself blush as he and Cas hold eye contact. Dean feels like Cas can see right through him. He turns back to the car to finish what he was doing.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.” He hears the laughter in Castiels voice and it almost makes him smile. Almost.

“What are you doing? Is there anything I can help you with?” Cas walks over and leans down next to Dean on the car.

“Nope, I am,” he leans out dropping the wrench back in the box then goes back under the hood. “All done.” He checks the belt he replaced one last time. Dean closes the toolbox and wipes his hands on a rag he had in his pocket. He catches Cas watching him.

“How did you sleep? Is your neck alright?” Dean closes the lid and walks around to the driver side door. He turns the key and the engine starts right up; piece of cake. He gets out and locks the door, walking back over to Cas.

“I’m a little groggy and a little sore, otherwise I am good. Thanks for the coffee.” Cas smiles warmly at his friend and holds the paper cup as a sort of toast.

“You know you didn’t need to stay with me all night, I would’ve been fine.” Dean thinks of the words Cas whispered to him last night, and the dream he had and is grateful that he did stay.

“I just wanted to make sure you were alright.” Cas looks at his feet and puts his empty hand in his pocket.

“Well thanks for staying, I am beyond grateful to have someone like you in my life right now.” Dean still can’t bring himself to look at Cas, but he feels him watching at him.

“How long have you been awake?” He asks; Dean is thankful for the subject change.

“What time is it?” Dean asks. He goes back to the tool box and picks it up.

“When I last checked, it was 8:30.”

“Huh, like 3 or 4 hours then?” he puts his tools back into baby’s trunk and closes her up, Cas nods and grunts. He and Cas walk back to the house.

“Got anything going on today?” Cas asks.

“Thinking about going for a drive.” Dean says watching the gravel crunch under his boots. There was something comforting to Dean about taking baby out for a drive, music blasting, the simplicity of it all. It always felt like it healed the cracks, even if Dean wasn’t so sure it’d help this time. It was worth a shot.

“What about you?” Dean asks Cas. He glances over discreetly at Cas who looks drawn in and lost in thought. His head is tilted, like Dean always finds it.

“You could come along if you’d like,” Dean offers. “You’d just have to deal with my loud music.”

Castiel laughs.

“I think you forget that I work in a bar.”

“So, is that a yes?” Dean asks, embarrassed at the hope in his voice.

“Sure, if you don’t mind the company.”

“But first I need to shower,” Cas adds “I feel, and probably smell, like shit.” Dean laughs.

“Alright I will pack some food.” He tries, and fails, to push the guilt down. She pops up in his mind and he feels like he is going to hurl. Why did this whole mess have to come up when he was finally forgetting things and moving on? He was almost happy for a minute there and she had to come back and hurt him all over again, as if she knew he was healing and wanted to twist the knife one more time.

“Okay I will be back in 20.” Cas smiles and runs upstairs leaving Dean alone in the foyer with his thoughts. He takes a deep breath, pushes his emotions down, and heads for the kitchen.

* * *

Two hours later they are surrounded by pines and spruces of all sorts, filling baby with the sweep woodsy smell Dean loves. The windows are rolled down, a cool breeze moving through the car, and music is blasting. Currently Bob Seger blasts and both Dean and Cas are belting along; when Night Moves comes to an end, Castiel turns the music down.

“So, where exactly are we going?” He says, a huge smile plastered to his face.

“A place I use to take Sammy all the time when are dad was particularly rough to be around. It’s sort of a long drive and we have to go all the way up a mountain but it’s totally worth it.” Dean feels a warm smirk at the memories of the mountain.

“It’s called Gallatin Peak, and it has a great view of a lake that’s hidden in a valley. Its surrounded by trees and it is really peaceful.” Dean adds.

“Well I am excited to see it then.” Cas smiles. He reaches for the volume turning it all the way up again and they start singing along to Old Time Rock and Roll. Castiel laughs when Dean starts dancing while driving; Castiel starts to dance as best he can while sitting in a car too. Dean smiles; this is the way he should be feeling, happy and free, not hating himself. But sometimes it felt like that was the only thing he knew how to do.    

* * *

They drive for a while, but Cas doesn’t mind; its beautiful out here, like Dean had said it would be. With all the rain they have gotten this year, everything is so lush and green and alive. They went up the twisting mountain road, the loose gravel making him feel like they were going to fall off the side of a cliff a few times. He doesn’t question why Dean would take his monstrous car up a mountain and not a truck or something with four-wheel drive, but he decides to keep quiet and roll with it. As they make their way up, they pass an open field, where they see some deer, who look at them but do not seem fearful. The creatures watch them with careful eyes before slowly disappearing back into the trees.

“It is so quiet out here.” Cas takes a deep breath of the mountain air. He looks at Dean who is focused on the road; he looks peaceful but the worry is still there, the pain still lingers and it makes Castiel wish that Dean would talk about it, let it all out, so that maybe he could start healing. He sighs. Perhaps with time he would open up.

They pull into a clearing and Dean stops the car. Cas looks out the window and realizes he can no longer see the road in front of them. He gasps and steps out of the car, walking over to the edge. They are pulled up as close to the edge as possible before it slopes downward toward the big blue lake below. The lake it sheltered from the rest of the world by the green mountains that surround it but there are a few boats on the lake that look like ants from all the way up here. The blue sky with scattered clouds tops off the beautiful sight. Cas wants to say something but he has no idea what. The beauty has him speechless.

“Wow.” He manages to say. He turns back towards Dean, who has laid a blanket on the hood of his car and is sitting off to one side with a bag in his lap. He is watching Cas. He blushes and smirks at Dean.

“Care to join me?” Dean pats a spot on the hood next to him with a smirk of his own on his face. Cas walks up and takes a seat next to him. Dean reaches into the bag and pulls out two sandwiches, two small bowls of pasta salad, leftover from last night, and a thermos along with a couple red solo cups. Dean hands Cas the lunch. They both start eating the food in peace.

“That cloud,” Cas swallows his mouthful of food and points directly in front of them. “looks like a squirrel.” He sees Dean smirk then point to the left of Castiels cloud.

“That one looks like a horse.” Cas looks at the cloud, which does indeed look like a horse and laughs. He looks around at all the other clouds, leaning back on the windshield so he can get a better view.

“That one looks like a middle finger kind of.” Cas points directly above him, so Dean leans back to get a good look as well. He laughs.

“It looks like a dick.” They both start cracking up, staring up at the dick cloud floating above them. It warms Castiels heart hearing Deans laugh.

“It really does, doesn’t it?” he looks over at Dean. He looks stoic as he watches the clouds. There is a moment of silence where Dean watches the clouds and Cas watches Dean.

“Do you think it will ever get easier?” He says in a quiet hurt sounding voice.

“I don’t know,” Dean looks over at Cas, and their eyes lock “I do know that pain usually has a purpose. It turns into strength and we learn a lot from it and it makes the joys in life so much sweeter and worthwhile. I guess that you just have to trust that things are going to get better. It may not seem like it, but it will get better.” Cas watches Deans eyes begin to turn red as he looks down at his callused hands and takes a shaky breath.

“You know what, I am gonna start calling you sweetheart Cas.” Dean rubs his face and laughs.

“I am not going anywhere Dean. If you need me I will be here for you.” Cas watches Dean shutter and look away from him.

“Yea, I know sweetheart. Thank you.” Dean says in a low voice.

“So, how about once we get home, we binge something on Netflix. I have always wanted to watch Sherlock.” Cas tries to lighten the mood. Dean lets out a small laugh and wipes his face before looking at his lap.

“Yea, sounds great. That and Game of Thrones.” Cas smiles.

“And when we get hungry we can order in Chinese food.” Dean smiles and nods.

“Perfect.”

They sit in silence for a while, just enjoying the breeze and the peace.

“Don’t you have work today?” Dean says glancing at Castiel.

“No, I took today and tomorrow off, Charlie is taking care of things for the weekend, only calling if there is an emergency.” Cas is proud of Charlie. He took her under his wing, and now she was doing great running the bar for Cas when he took days off. Dean nods and there is another few minutes of silence.

“I am sorry about last night, I wish you hadn’t seen me like that.” He has a sad and embarrassed look on his face.

“It’s okay, really, stop beating yourself up.” Cas smiles shyly at him.

“It’s not, but I guess it’s over now. You ready to go binge?” Dean smiles and slides off the hood. Castiel follows suit.

“Yep. Let’s hit the road.” Cas grabs the blanket and Dean grabs the bag the food was in.

“What is in the thermos?” Castiel asks.

“Ice tea, you want some?”

“Yea sure.” They slide into the car and Dean hands him the bag with the thermos. He pours himself a cup and they head down the mountain, Dean feeling a little more sound, like things are going to get better from now on, and Cas is happy he is a support system for his friend. The turn the music up and role the windows down as the head back home.


	9. Falling into Place

Shouting, running, falling, and blood. The usual cliff hanger plays before the final credits of season three roll on the screen. Cas, in his sweats and a baggy kiss tee-shirt, hair a wreck from the hours they have spent binging, has his knees pulled tight to his chest and his staring at the screen slack jawed. Dean looks back at the screen.

“That’s… that’s it. We are caught up on Sherlock. I, I have no words.” Dean stairs. How could they leave him on that note? He couldn’t wait the three or four weeks they had till season four premiered to find out what had happened.

“No! That can’t be it!” Cas yells. He looks back and forth between Dean and the screen.

“What!” He yells. Dean smiles at him. He watches Castiel try to work through his confusion.

“How are you so calm after that!” Castiel runs his hands through his hair and looks at Dean again.

“Because I have you to freak out for me.” Dean wouldn’t admit to anyone that Cas looked adorable while freaking out too. The way his face gets all scrunched up and confused, and how he holds on to his legs as if it is what grounds him in this moment. He almost looks like he is going through some sort of crisis all because he got caught up on Sherlock. And after that, he probably was. Dean smiles at him and Castiel takes a deep breath.

“I am just not going to think about it.” He shuts his eyes and takes another deep breath.

“The next season comes out in January.” Dean says with a smirk. Castiel falls to the couch with a disgruntled groan.

“Why? Why did they do this to us!” He yells into a pillow. Dean laughs, and stands. His body aches from sitting on the couch all night. He groans before looking at the clock on the wall. 20 hours, they sat and binged. He smiles and sighs. No regrets. He binged with his best friend and that’s all that matters.

* * *

“I am going to go use the bathroom, then make us some food. Anything sound good?” Dean says. Castiel looks up and sees the man in front of him stretching his arms above his head, revealing a small patch a golden skin and hip bones that make him drool. He has freckles and Cas thinks it is adorable yet hot. He groans and sits up.

“I am down for anything.” He sighs. God why did Dean have to be so attractive.

“Alright I will be back!” he runs down the hall. Castiel lays back on the couch and looks up at the ceiling fan. Dean didn’t seem to think of Lisa at all when they were watching Sherlock. And he seemed a lot happier to. He couldn’t see the pain in his expression as much anymore, and for that Castiel was thankful. It was going to take time but Dean is going to get back on track. Dean deserved to be happy, and Castiel was determined to see that happen.

* * *

Dean looks in the mirror. His hair is just as crazy as Castiels, his black tee-shirt rumbled and he realizes that he is wearing the same sweats as Castiel. He washes his hands and walks toward the door when he realizes something. He didn’t think of her once last night. He still felt achy and shattered beyond repair, but he actually smiled and didn’t have to fake it. He still feels hurt and lost but Castiels words yesterday at Gallatin gave him hope. They talked more about it on their way home and Dean started feeling pretty good by the time they got back. No, he wasn’t anywhere near feeling whole again, but Castiels words had made him realized that he deserved better than how she had treated him. It was time for him to start moving on, just like she so easily had, no matter how difficult it would be for him. He was so sick and tired of feeling bad about everything and maybe Cas was the cure to the ache.

He walks out of the bathroom and towards the kitchen. He looks around the fridge and pantry, and decides that grilled cheese and soup sound good.

“Hey Cas, you good with grilled cheese and soup?” he yells to Castiel, who he thought was still in the living room.

“Yes, sounds great Dean.” Dean, who is searching through the fridge for cheese, flinches at the sudden appearance of Cas right behind him. He spins around to face Castiel who has a smirk on his face.

“Dammit Cas, don’t sneak up on me like that.” Dean says peering into the oceans of blue that are his friend’s eyes. He realizes their proximity to each other, the mere inches that separate them, and he does nothing to fix it. Castiels eyes stoop to catch a glance of Deans lips. Dean bites his lip, drawing Castiels gaze back up. They stand there for a moment, their gaze breaking when they hear the front door open.

“So, grilled cheese. You said that was fine?” Castiel just nods and Dean smirks. Cas clears his throat taking a step back. Dean watches the color flood his friend’s cheeks as he busies himself, grabbing bread and a pan to grill the sandwiches on and a pot for the soup.

“What kind of soup do you want?” Dean says, walking to the pantry where he saw a variety of canned soups.

“Tomato?” Cas still doesn’t look at Dean. Dean laughs and grabs a few cans.

“Hey guys!” Jess says walking into the kitchen, Sam close behind her.

“Hey! How was it!” Dean says smiling at them.

“So much fun! It was so relaxing to get away and enjoy the sun!” Jess pauses to turn and look at Sam, who smiles fondly at her. “How was your weekend?” She says looking between Castiel and Dean.

“Good went for a drive up to Gallatin early yesterday morning and we binged Sherlock the rest of the weekend. We just finished and came in here to make lunch.” Dean says watching Cas who still won’t look at him. He looks at Sammy who smiles at him. He smiles back before walking to the stove.

“Sounds nice.” Sammy says. There is something in his voice that Dean doesn’t recognize so he decides to ignore it.

“Oh, and I fixed your car Jess. She’s running perfect now.” Dean pours the soup into the pan. His shoulder brushes Castiels as he walks to the garbage can to throw the empty cans away.

“Really! Thank you so much Dean.” Jess has a bright smile on her face.

“No problem, if it starts acting up again, let me know.” They make lunch and the four of them go and sit in the sun room. They talk about their weekends and how Christmas is exactly a week away and about decorating a tree tomorrow. Dean wonders what he should get Cas. They laugh and enjoy they sunshine and Dean feels like the storm is passing and that maybe things are going to start shaping up. He hopes that it stays that way.


	10. Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY GUYS!!! sorry this chapter took so long, things have been crazy lately! This one is kind of long, hope you guys like it!!

Dean was so tired. On Sunday, after they all finished eating they decided they wanted to decorate a tree then, so they went out and bought a tree and dug around the attic for Castiels decorations. Afterwards they wound up watching most of season one of Game of Thrones so Dean ended up going to bed around one in the morning. He used to be able to survive off four hours, but he was younger then. He forced himself out of his warm cozy bed and out the door for work, and somehow made it through the day. When he finally makes it home, he walks toward the door, his lazy gait draw the attention of Jess. She greets him at the door.

“Hey Dean, how was work? You look tired.”

“It was alright, I was tired all day from bingeing all night.” He gives her a warm smile.

“Gotcha.” She smiles back and they walk inside toward the kitchen together.

“Hey I have been meaning to ask you something.” Jess slides her hands in her back pockets.

“What’s up.” Dean sets his coffee mug and lunch box on the counter.

“I still need to do my Christmas shopping, and was curious is you would like to go with me?”

“Yea, sure, when do you want to go?” Dean smiles at her.

“When is a good time for you, I was hoping to go tomorrow sometime, but I remembered you have work.”

“we can go on my lunch break, how’s that?” she smiles and nods.

“Perfect! Thanks Dean.”

* * *

Dean didn't have the slightest idea what to give Castiel for Christmas. He had thought about it while they ate dinner and till he fell asleep but still had no clue. He closes the hood of the old ford truck he was working on and checks the clock; he sees that he has about 15 minutes till he has to leave to pick up Jessica. He looks around the quiet shop and decides to go chat with Bobby.

“Hey Bobby.” Dean wipes his hand on the rag he keeps in his pocket and leans on the door frame of Bobby’s office. Unlike Castiels pristine orderly office, Bobby’s has papers strewn everywhere. The walls are smothered with pictures of the employees over the years, a lot of them of Dean, Sammy, and John, some of old cars, and one in the center of the wall of him and his late wife. All of the pictures, except for the one of his wife, are either cracked from having been knocked off the wall, or are covered in grease and dust. Above his old wooden desk, there is some paper work he hung on the wall, and two posters that talk about car parts for when he gets to yelling at the newbies.

“How you doing kid?” Bobby says scribbling something down on his paper.

“Alright, just coming to see if there is anything you need help with before I head off to lunch.” Bobby grunts.

“You can leave whenever you are ready since today has been slow. I am going to finish that old ford, and that’s are last appointment till two.”

“She’s already done.” Dean says with a smirk. Bobby turns and looks at Dean, narrowing his eyes.

“You changed the oil?”

“Really?”

“Air filter?”

Dean gives Bobby a look of annoyance.

“Tires rotated, brake pads replaced, and radiator checked?”

“Yes sir.” Dean smirks at him.

“Did you fix the ticking noise they were hearing when they turn on the heater?” Bobby crosses his arms.

“Loose belt, we didn’t have it in stock so I ordered it and it should be here by next week.”

“You need a vacation. Don’t come back till after 2 o’clock.” Bobby says turning to his papers again. Dean laughs and walks out of the office. As he gets further away he hears Bobby faintly utter ‘idjit’. He laughs again and slides into the car.

* * *

“So, I have been trying to figure out what to get Sam, because I want it to be meaningful, you know? But I need your opinion on what I have in mind.” Jessica asks as they step out of the impala onto main street, where there are lots of little shops.

“Okay, shoot. Whatever you decided to get him, he will love it. We didn’t get much growing up so anything will be special to him.” Dean says as they walk. They stop by a small shop that sells a variety of novelty items, ranging from clever coffee mugs and tee-shirts, to luscious plants.

“So, there are two parts. Every Christmas I fly home to see my parents, and I was thinking of inviting him to go with me,” she looks over at Dean, who nods at her to continue “and the other part is the one I want your opinion on.” She smirks at him.

  
“Oh God, what.” She stares at the coffee mugs before her, like they are the most interesting thing ever.

“Well, I remember him telling me how when he was little,” she picks up a mug, turning it in her hands “he really really wanted a puppy…”

“That is a big commitment, even for Sammy. As long as I don’t have to deal with it, its fine by me. I think he would love that.”

“Really? Will you help me pick one out?” her bright smile doesn’t give him much of a choice. He sighs and nods at her. She smiles before going back to look at the mugs. She picks another one up.

“What do you think about this mug for Castiel?” she passes it to him. On one side of the mug, there are black wings. He turns it over and reads the elegant scrawl on the other side. _May my breaths of petitions boldly fly on wings of grace. Philippians 4.6._ The bible verse seems suiting for some reason.

“I like it surprisingly.” She nods in approval taking the mug up to the counter. Dean walks to the back where he sees some potted plants. A few types of ferns catching his eye, but when he reads the tag on the last plant on the table, he picks it up. It was so perfect he smiled as he walks to the counter and pays.

* * *

After a few more stops, they had the last of their Christmas shopping done and for that, Dean was thankful. Jessica helped him figure out the very last of his plans for what to do for Castiel, and he even knew what to get her.

Dean returned to work, and the day went by in a blur. He drove home and rushed up to his room to stash his gifts before anyone could see. He put Castiels plant on his bathroom window seal so it would still get light, and the flannel he got to wrap Sammy’s real gift in with his clothes. Jessica’s gift, a yellow skater dress, with a floral lace that reminded him of sunflowers, got put in the back of his closet. He was happy she had found her size while she fangirled over the article of clothing, that she did not buy. As he closed his closet door, he heard a small knock at his door.

“Dean?” He heard Castiel call from the other side; he sounded a little worried. Dean walked over closing the bathroom door.

“Come on in Cas.” The door opened and the blue-eyed man stepped in.

“You good? You ran upstairs like a bat out of hell.” He says with a smirk.

“Yep. All is well with me.” He smiled innocently at him. He walked over to meet Cas at the door.

“What are we doing for dinner?” they walk out and down the hall and even though Dean can tell that Castiel is suspicious he doesn’t question Dean.

“Tortilla soup. Hey, did you know your brother stayed over last night? I caught him sneaking out this morning before I went for a run. And speaking of your brother what should I get him for Christmas?” Castiel watches Dean as the walk down the stairs.

Dean lets out a laugh at how many times he has been asked that.

“With him sneaking around here, slippers.” Dean says still smiling. Cas smiles back at him.

“And what do you want for Christmas Dean?” Cas says as they wander into the kitchen.

“Nothing. I am just thankful to have a place to stay, and that I have you in my life sweetheart.” Dean winks at him, before walking over to the source of the delightful smell.

“God, this smells amazing.”

* * *

The week passes slowly, with everyone sneaking around. Dean is happy its Friday, because he and Castiel are going to be the only two home for the weekend, with the Trans out of town visiting family and Sam and Jess in Louisiana for the next five days. They are all celebrating together tonight. Dean walks into Bobby’s office with the card and bottle of Tennessee Whiskey.

“Merry Christmas old man!” Dean walks over to the desk and sets the card and bottle down. Bobby huffs.

“Thanks for the time off next week.” Dean says.

“Your shift was a pain in the ass to cover boy.” Dean smiles.

“I know but thanks. I really do appreciate it.”

“Have a good time son.” Bobby says not looking up from his papers. Dean smiles and pats him on the back before walking out. He drives home thinking about his gifts. What if Castiel turns his gift down? He wouldn’t know what to do if that happened. Dean thinks on them all until he pulls into his spot at home. He gets out and walks inside. He hears laughter coming from the kitchen so he heads that way.

“Look who got here just in time! Hey Dean!” Jessica says with a bright smile, holding her Champaign glass in the air. He laughs and walks over to her.

“Hey Jess, Merry Christmas.” She gives him a hug. And he turns his attention to Sam who is pulling a ham out of the oven.

“Hey Sammy, Merry Christmas.” He walks over and pats him on the back as he sets the steaming meat on the stove top.

“Hey Dean, how was work?” Sam says smiling at his big brother.

“Fine, we were packed today, and this one douche bag came in in his fucking Prius. Got I thought I was going to puke.” Dean washes his hands as he hears Sammy scoff behind him. He braces himself for the fight they always have.

“Some people care about the environment Dean.” Sam says crossing his arms.

“I care about the environment. I recycle.” Dean smirks as his baby brother fumbles for words in annoyance. He turns to face them, leaning against the counter. Sam sighs and looks at Jessica who lets out a warm laugh. Dean feels like something isn’t right.

“Where is Cas?” Dean says looking around realizing what’s missing.

“Upstairs wrapping things.” Jess says with a smile. He pushes off the counter where he leans and stalks towards Castiels room. He goes up the stairs, two at a time, and knocks on his door once before entering. He looks around at the simple room before him. Cas has a big bed that looks cozy with plush pillows and a big fluffy tan blanket with a blue strip down the middle he has a nightstand with a few books and a clock on it and otherwise the room seems barren.

“Hey Cas.” He says as he wanders into the room with a smirk. Castiel flinches before giving Dean a pointed look.

“You are lucky I wrapped yours yesterday.” Dean goes over and sits on the floor next to him. Dean smiles at Castiel.

“What’s the big deal sweetheart? We are unwrapping them soon anyways.” Castiel glares at Dean but the corners of his lips turn up as well.

“Because I like to wrap them. I think it is fun.” Cas puts the final piece of tape on the box before putting it with the other two boxes. He looks over at Dean.

“Ready to head down stairs?” Dean nods and they stand. Cas grabs his boxes and the head for the door.

“Hey Cas? Do you think you could get any time off right now?” Dean walks out into the hallway Cas close behind.

“Well this tends to be our busiest time of year but if it came down to it, probably. Why?” Cas looks at Dean with curiosity.

“No reason in particular, just curious how that worked.” Dean goes into his room so Castiel doesn’t question him further. He grabs the gift bags he left on his dresser earlier in the week before heading back out into the hall. They walk down the steps chatting about their days, before walking into the living room where the tree is. They set their gift down before going back into the kitchen.

“I think we should before dinner.” Jess says smiling at Sammy.

“Should what?” Dean asked.

“Open gifts!” Jess turns to Dean and winks at him.

“I agree.” Castiel smiles at them.

“Me too.” Dean seconds, smiling at how Sam tried to look annoyed but the smile pulling at the corners of his lips made him fail miserably.

“Fine let’s go.” Sam says with a sigh. Jess cheers and goes over and kisses him.

“Get a room.” Dean walks out with Castiel.

“Kitchen is a room.” Sam calls after Dean.

“Let’s go smart ass.” He laughs as he sits on the couch next to Castiel.

“So there are two parts to your gift,” Dean says looking at the blue bag that signaled that it’s for Castiel “we can talk about it more later.” Dean finally turns his eyes to Castiel who sits cross legged with his hands in his lap and his eyes on Dean. Castiel smiles at him and they look at each other until they hear Sam and Jess walk into the room. Dean clears his throat and Cas rubs his neck.

“Okay, are you guys ready?” Jess says smiling at them.

“Are you, Jess?” Dean says, hoping she understands what he means. She looks like she just realized what she forgot.

“Oh! I am not ready! Go ahead and start without me!” She sets her glass down and runs for the stairs.

Dean picks up the blue and green bags, handing one to his brother and one to the man sitting next to him. Sam smiles at Dean and starts pulling out the paper. He sees a blue and brown flannel and reaches in the bag to get it. He feels something hard underneath the shirt and looks confused. He grabs the bundle and pulls it out, setting the bag on the floor as he tries to untie the shirt. Once he gets it undone he stairs down in surprise at the shiny, engraved colt M1911A1 that belonged to dad.

“Wow. He finally gave it up?” Sam looks shocked. He had been in love with the gun since they were teenagers but John would never have given it to Sammy, especially after he wound up in law school.

“Nah. He needed some Cash so he sold it to me. I know you have always wanted it so I thought it would be a suiting gift.” Sam looks shocked, yet thankful.

“Thank you.” Dean smiles at his baby brother.

Dean looks at Cas who is watching him. The bag is resting on his lap. Cas looks down at it, it being slightly larger than Sam’s and begins pulling out the paper. He peeks into the bag and a bright warm smile crosses his face as he pulls out the plant. He examines the tag in the pot.

“Peace Lily.” Dean watches Cas examine the delicate white flowers and the lush green leaves.

“I thought it was suiting because you bring me peace.” He looks at his feet and smiles. Jess chose the perfect time to come in with her oversized red and green box. Dean can feel Castiels eyes on his face.

“What did I miss?” Jess asks setting the box on the floor in front of Sammy.

“I gave Cas his plant and Sammy a gun and a flannel.” Jess looks at Dean for a moment.

“A, A gun?” Jess looks up at Sam who looks at Dean. They all just sit there in silence for a moment.

“It’s a family heirloom Jess, nothing to worry about.” Dean gives her a reassuring smile and she seems to believe him.

“Okay. Sam, open this one now.” She winks at Cas and Dean who both excitedly lean forward. Sam looks nervous. He pulls the lid and stairs inside. He smiles and looks at Jess then Dean and Castiel. He reaches into the box pulling out the little fluffy sleeping puppy with the red bow around its neck.

“Oh my god.” Sam laughs with a huge smile on his face, his eyes filled with adoration.

“She is a German Sheppard. She doesn’t have a name but she is really sweet.” Jess smiles up at him, petting the warm ball of fur.

“I cannot believe you got me a dog.” He leans over and kisses Jess.

“What are you going to name her?” Cas asks smiling at the puppy.

“Hmm, how about Belle?” Sam says looking around at everyone.

“I like it.” Cas says with a grin.

“If Cas likes it then I like it.” Dean says looking over at Cas, who smiles at him.

“It is settled then. Belle.” Jess adds. The puppy yawns and licks Sam’s hand. He sets her back in the box and grabs a box from the chair behind him handing it to Jess. He grabs the other gifts giving one to Dean and one to Castiel. Cas sets his plant on the table to grab the box from Sam.

“Thank you Sam.” Cas says. They all pull off the lids of their boxes at the same time. Cas got a pair of red flannel pajamas. Dean opens his box to find a new watch, a simple face with a leather band, exactly what Dean likes. He proceeds to tell his brother he didn’t have to get him anything before he thanks him, smiling warmly. Dean and Cas turn their attention to Jess who just opened the lid to find a black velvet box. She looks up at Sam before she pulls it out. She opens the lid and looks down at the delicate gold chain with the simple diamond charm on it. She smiles and stands to go hug Sam.

“Thank you Sammy.” She kisses him and wraps her arms around his neck.

“It was my mothers.” Sam says looking at Dean. Dean and Sammy had gone to the bank where their safety deposit boxes are because their mom had left it, and a few other things, to them. Bobby had helped them get deposit boxes after John started drinking and gambling, and when Sammy decided that he wanted to give it to Jessica for Christmas, Dean had happily agreed to go with him to get it for her.

“I love it.” She released him and went back to her spot on the floor beside the puppy. Dean grabbed the red bag and slid it to her.

“Well this is not going to seem as great now.” She smirked at him and puled the paper from the bag. she reached in pulling the dress out.

“Aw the dress from the store we went to,” she smiled at Dean hugging the dress to her chest “thank you Dean I love it.” She smiled and grabbed his and Castiels boxes and passed them over.

They take their boxes and open. Dean pulls out the black leather jacket and smiles.

“This is awesome, thank you.” He slides it on over his white tee shirt and winks at her. She giggles and blushes. He looks over at Cas who is gaping at him. He blows a kiss at him and he looks down, face red.

“What did you get sweetheart?” Dean says with a smirk. Cas turns his attention back to his box his checks on fire. He pulls the lid off and unwraps the mug. They all watch as he reads the quote on the mug and smile.

“I love this Jess. Thank you.” He looks up at her with a bright smile and she smiles back.

“No problem Cas.” Cas sets the mug down next to his plant and passes his boxes out to. Jessica opens her box to find a pair of pajamas, a purple floral pattern on the shorts and the lace on the edge of the light purple tank top; she smiles and fangirls over the clothes and thanks Castiel. Sam opens his box and starts cackling. He wipes tears from his eyes as he pulls out the brown fuzzy slippers with moose heads on the end.

“These are great.” He says laughing again. Jess smiles and Dean smirks at the ridiculously suiting slippers.

“Thanks Cas.” Sam says. The puppy wakes and lets out a little whine for attention.

“She is probably hungry.” Jessica says.

“You guys can go feed her and play with her, we will meet you down here when you guys are ready for dinner.” Dean says looking at Cas, who was already watching him. He smiles before looking away from the man next to him.

“Are you sure?” Sam asks.

“Yea, we are good.” Dean smiles.

“Alright we will be back soon.” Sam and Jess go, leaving them in silence.

“You going to open it?” Cas says breaking the silence. Dean nods looking down at the box on his lap. He pulls the lid off and sees a deep solid red flannel, the color reminding him of rust. He pulls it out feeling the soft fabric between his fingers.

“I like the color.” Dean says folding the shirt up.

“I thought the color would bring out your eyes.”

He realizes there is something else in the box, and reaches for the paper, exposing a brown cylinder, and reads the words.

“Balvenie Whiskey, double wood. Aged 17 years.” Dean pulls the liquor our and reads the other stuff it says.

“Damn Cas, this is a nice bottle of whiskey. How much did this cost you?” Dean looks at Castiel, his eyebrows raised. He was excited to drink this.

“That’s not important. Do you like it?” Cas smirks at him.

“Hell yes I do. I can’t wait till we can drink this. Thank you Cas.” Dean smiles at him. “Now is the perfect time to ask you about the other part of your gift.” Cas nods, signaling for Dean to continue.

“So, I was talking to Jess about how they had a vacation planned, and it got me thinking,” Dean takes a deep breath to push his nerves down. “We have a family friend named Rufus who has a cabin in Montana and I was wondering if you wanted to go up there for this week? We can go sightseeing and there is a really nice trail up there that leads to a lake and maybe we can go fishing and--”

“Dean.” Cas cuts him off. Dean feels like he may be sick.

“Yea?”

“I would love to go. It sounds like fun.” Dean lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding

“Really?” Dean can hear the hope and shock in his voice and is embarrassed. Cas laughs.

“Yes. Sounds great. When do we leave?”


	11. The Cabin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI! sorry its been a while, things have been intense lately. Things are starting to get real in this chapter, I hope you all enjoy it!

Dean smiles when he sees the sign stating Whitefish Montana is only a few miles away; after the 23 hours he has been driving, he is ready for a nap. With Cas having been asleep since Billings, about seven hours, the silence has been excruciatingly painful. Dean glances over at Castiel; his face is a peaceful mask, his body slack with sleep, snuggled into the corner of the car, his legs dangling off the seat. He doesn’t look very comfortable, still seeming stiff in his sleep, but he hasn’t moved since Billings so he must be. Dean reaches for the radio turning it up so it’s a small whisper above the sound of Baby’s engine. He is happy to hear November Rain by Guns N’ Roses, until it starts to make him think of Lisa. He frowns and focuses on the surroundings. It is dark but Dean can make out the outlines of snow topped trees, and icy mountains. There is nobody on the road and every house he has seen has been dark. There are no lights on the desolate country road before him, but his own headlights. Dean is thinking about how abandoned it is when he notices something in the road a ways up. He can’t make out what it is but he starts to slow down just to be safe. He stairs as he gets closer but the blob still has not taken shape. It can’t be a car, it’s not the write shape for that and there are no lights. He gets closer and the shape takes form, and he laughs when he sees what it is. He reaches over and grabs Castiels shoulder, gently shaking him.

“Cas,” Dean says slowing to a stop in the road. “Cas, wake up, you have got to see this.” Cas lets out a sigh and rubs his eyes.

“Are we there?” Cas asks. Dean pulls out his phone and snaps a few pictures before turning to smile at Cas. Castiel drops his hands from his eyes and looks at Deans bright face.

“What’s going on. Why are you--” Cas looks out the windshield and his eyes go wide. “Is, is that a moose?”

“Yep.” Dean says looking back at the creature before him. The six-foot beast takes up the entire road, his hind legs on one side of the road his front legs on the other, his massive antlers as long as Dean is tall. The creature peers at the car like it’s in his way before looking back to the forest and slowly strolling back into the trees; the silent beast disappears like it was never there. He looks back to Castiel who looks out the window in awe.

“Welcome to Montana.” Dean says. Cas lets out a light bubbly laugh.

“That was amazing. That has to be a once in a life time thing. Thanks for waking me up.” Cas says smiling over at Dean.

“I thought you would enjoy that.” Dean pushes down on the gas pedal and the car lurches forward.

* * *

An hour later its midnight and they have arrived. Dean hops out of the car, stretching his sore limbs. He looks to the small log cabin that looks the exact same since he last saw it. It is small and quaint but Dean thinks Castiel will like it. A shivers makes its way up Deans spine; he pulls his leather jacket he got from Jess a little tighter around himself and walks to the trunk. He reaches in and grabs the three duffel bags that he and Cas packed before closing it and heading for the front door. Cas, who was stretching as well tries to protest and carry his bag.

“I got it, I got it!” Dean says laughing at Cas, who looks upset about Dean not letting him carry his own bag. He puts the key in the door, and they walk in. It isn’t much warmer in the cabin than it is outside but it won’t take long to heat up. Dean looks around the old cabin; on one side of the cabin is a door that leads to the small bedroom with a full-sized bed and a desk under a window and a small closet. On the wall across from the door is a large stone fire place with a shoulder mount of a deer above it. A worn red loveseat sits directly in front of the fire place with a small square coffee table in front of it, and two brown leather chairs on either side. By the front door on Deans side is a coat rack and a large dusty army trunk. On Dean’s other side is the small open kitchen with a round table with 3 chair around it in the middle. Off to the side is a small rustic bathroom. The walls are scattered with antlers and wall mounts and Dean hopes it doesn’t make Castiel uncomfortable. He sees a light switch and flips it, turning on a tall lamp in the corner and the chandelier in the center of the room on, illuminating the cabin. He closes the front door and sets their bags down on one of the leather chairs.

“Well it isn’t much.” Dean says glancing at Cas who looks around the room.

“I like it. It’s peaceful here.” Castiel says with a shy smile. Dean watches Cas look around the cabin with curiosity before he stops, facing Dean.

“But it is freezing in here.” Cas hugs his arms around himself. Dean looks at the fire place and walks over, putting three logs in along with some kindling he found next to the large stack of wood; he finds a box of matches resting on the mantel so he strikes one and puts it into the kindling. He watches for a minute as the fire slowly grows, as if taking its first breath, before he stands up and turns to Cas.

“Give it a few. I would say get bundled up and take a nap till morning.” Dean tries to stifle a yawn as he walks over to the love seat. He plops down and sighs as he rests his head against the squishy pillow. He shuts his eyes and feels how tired he is as he gets comfortable.

“Hey Cas?” Dean says quietly.

“Yes Dean?” Cas says. He walks over and sits in the other chair not covered in duffle bags.

“I am going to take a nap. I’m beat. Are you good if I sleep for a bit?” Dean opens his eyes to look over at Cas. He has a smirk on his face.

“Get some rest, I will be fine. Why don’t you go lay down on the bed?” Cas asks.

“This couch is actually pretty damn comfortable, I don’t think I would want to move even if I could.” Dean says, smiling. Cas laughs.

“Night Dean.”

“Night.”

* * *

Castiel waited until he heard Deans even breathing and the occasional sigh, signaling that the man had finally fallen asleep, to go explore the cabin. He looked at the old desk in the bedroom and found a few sheets of blank paper and some pens in it. The bed was pretty comfortable, which surprised Castiel because upon inspection it seemed lumpy and hard. He then went into the spacious bathroom next. The small vanity that held the sink was tidy. He looked underneath to find some toilet paper and cleaning supplies. Overall the bathroom seemed clean. He walked out and into the kitchen, open drawers to see where everything is. Once he felt content, he walked into the living room once more and grabbed his bag. He looked at Dean, who seemed cold. Castiel grabs the bag Dean packed with supplies, pulling out a soft grey throw blanket they brought from the house. He covered Dean with the blanket before heading into the bed room, bag in hand. He opens his bag, pulling out his book _The Paying Guests_ which happened to be his guilty pleasure. He sets the bag on the end of the bed and crawls up towards the top to read for a while. He will continue his book for a little bit, then he will shower, and then figure out breakfast before Dean wakes up.

* * *

The sound of running water wakes Dean. He lays there for a minute, not sure if he is ready to get up yet, and just listens to the sound of the shower running. He rubs his tired eyes and sits up. The sun is about to start coming up over the mountains, the sky slowly transforming from the dark blues and purples of night to the golden orange sky of a new morning. He slowly gets up and walks into the kitchen so he can get a glass of water. Right as he turns the sink off he hears the shower shut off in the bathroom. He walks over so he is standing next to the couch and sips at his water until the bathroom door opens quietly. Steam fluffs out the door as Castiel exits the bathroom. Dean chokes on his mouthful of water when he sees the statuesque man standing before him in nothing on but a towel. Dean vaguely hears Cas apologize about waking him but Dean is too busy examining the strong muscles of the man’s broad shoulders and how they accent his collar bones and his well-shaped chest. He has abs, and the water dripping down them makes Dean want to lick every drop from his tan skin. The towel hanging loosely around the man’s hips gives Dean a peek of his hipbones to add to the perfection before him. He knows he is staring but he doesn’t care. Castiel Novak is beautiful, and all Dean can focus on is the thought of how Castiels skin would feel. Dean doesn’t think he has ever been so attracted to anyone before in his life, not even to Lisa, and he realizes that he cares about him more than he ever would have guessed. As Dean ogles him, he feels the bulge growing in his pants.

“Dean.” Castiel says breaking Deans focus. He looks up to his face and the smirk he sees makes Deans face go red. The smirk turns into a wide smile when Cas sees his embarrassment.

“Sorry.” He takes a sip of his water walking to the kitchen sink. Castiel laughs and Dean hears the retreating footsteps and is thankful Cas didn’t say anything. He decides maybe he should take a shower so he can take a minute to process the fact that he just admitted to himself that he might have feelings for his best friend, and maybe he should deal with the issue in his pants. Dean sighs and walks over to his bag, pulling out his favorite pair of jeans and a black tee-shirt.

“I am going to hop in the shower Cas.” Dean says, rushing to the bathroom, and closing the door behind him. He sets his clothes on the counter and strips before turning on the water. He gets in and lets the water hit his skin for a moment and just thinks. Castiel is beautiful, and caring, and is in to men, so why shouldn’t Dean let him in? Castiel obviously liked Dean, if only as a friend, or else he wouldn’t have agreed to come here. And he wasn’t scared off _that night_ when he had his break down. But what about his rich boyfriend. What if he decided to leave Dean for him like Lisa left him for her rich Doctor. Dean could not go through that again. Even though Cas seemed different, Dean still felt the pang of pain at the thought that maybe Lisa had left because of who Dean was. Dean runs his hands through his wet hair and shakes his head. He would not let his thoughts go there, not tonight. Instead, he looks down at his half erection. That seemed like a better way to go. The blue-eyed man popped into his mind as he grabbed head of his dick, his thumb running over the slit. He rests his head against the wall as he runs his hand up his entire length. As his fingers caress the sensitive skin he thinks of running his hands up Castiels body, feeling the contours of his muscular chest, running his tongue along his collar bone toward the shoulder he wants so badly to bite. Deans pace quickens as he thinks about his hands and mouth going lower, kissing his hip bones and along his happy trail and Dean feels his body start to shake as he thinks about slowly pulling the towel from Castiels body. What finally pushes Dean over the edge it thinking about looking up and meeting those deep blue eyes and Cas running his fingers through Deans hair as Dean leans forward toward Castiels body. He cums in his hand with a shuddering breath, eyes squeezed shut. He focuses on his breathing as he comes down from his orgasm. Dean felt dirty. He opens his eyes and shakes his head. He washes the remnants from his hand and finishes his shower in a hurry. He is thankful Cas hung Deans towel up in here for him. He quickly dries and dresses before opening the door and walking out, his dirty laundry in hand. Cas is sitting in one of the chairs cross legged with a book in hand. He is engrossed in the pages and seems to hardly notice that Dean walked into the room. Dean grabs some socks from his bag and sits back on the couch. Cas is still focused on the pages when Dean is done. He stands and walks over to the duffel bag of supplies and finds the box of pancake mix that only calls for water and heads for the kitchen. If he remembers correctly, there were cooking supplies here the last time he was visited with Sam and John. He finds a bowl, measuring cups, a spatula, and a skillet to cook the pancakes on before getting to work throwing the dish together. He makes the batter and gets the stove heating up before going back over to the bag to dig out the syrup. He pours the first few circles on to the pan before digging out plates and forks. He flips the first round of pancakes before he peeks at the focused man on the couch that he just masturbated to. Oh god, what if Cas found out about it? Dean feels weary at the thought, and as if on que Cas looks up and smiles at Dean. Dean gives him a small smile before turning away. Oh god. He puts four finished pancakes onto a plate before pouring more batter onto the skillet. He puts the fork on the plate before taking it, the syrup, and a napkin to Castiel. He approaches the man holding the contents in his hands out to him. Cas looks up with a warm smile.

“Oh, thank you Dean.” Cas takes the plate and napkin. Dean begins pouring syrup until Cas nods. He walks back to the kitchen. He takes a deep breath. 

“Whatcha reading?” Dean flips the pancakes.

“The Paying Guests.” Dean had never heard of it. He looks over his shoulder at Castiel, who Dean swears is blushing. He turns back to the food. He takes the pancakes off and puts them on a plate pour the remaining batter onto the skillet just in case someone wants seconds. He stands there until they are done before joining Cas in the living room. He takes a bite of the food enjoying the sweet flavor of the syrup.

“What is it about.” This time Dean is positive that he is blushing. He smiles.

“Um well, it is about a lady and her daughter who take in tenants after her husband dies and the tenants change their lives.”

“Hm, sounds interesting, maybe I will read it.” Dean will not read it. Sounds boring to him but he has a feeling there is more to this than Cas is saying. He would google this book later.

“Uh, I am not sure it’s really your type of book.” Cas is even more red and that proves Deans point that there is more to this book.

“Why not?” He smirks at Cas.

“Thanks for breakfast.” Cas says looking at the pancake remainders on his plate. He must have been hungry.

“Okay, okay, I will leave it alone. What should we do today?” Dean shovels more pancake into his mouth.

“I am not sure, what did you have in mind.” Cas asks watching the sun rise through the window.

“Want to go explore the town today? I was thinking tomorrow we could go to Glacier National Park? We are drinking that bottle of whiskey tonight too.”

“Sounds good to me!” Cas says standing taking his and Deans plate to the kitchen.

“Thanks Cas.” Dean stands and follows him to the kitchen. Cas puts the plates in the sink and grabs the bottle of blue dish soap from under the sink.

“I can wash those.” Dean tries to grab the sponge from Cas, who smacks his hand away playfully.

“No. You know how this works. If you cook, I clean.” Cas smiles as he scrubs the plates and other numerous dishes. Dean huffs and grabs a dish towel. They work together in silence until the kitchen is clean.

“You ready to go explore? We need to grab a few things while we are in town too.” Dean puts the last plate away, dropping the towel on the counter.

“Alright, let me go grab my coat.” Castiel walks into the bedroom while Dean grabs his own coat and the keys. When Cas walks back out Dean holds the door open for him.

“Thanks.” Dean smiles in response. They get into Deans baby and head out toward the small town.

* * *

Dean and Cas spent all day exploring the little town of Whitefish and they even got gas and went grocery shopping at the towns Safeway; Cas was pleased they even had one. Their day of exploring flew by and before they knew it, it was almost five o’clock and they were famished. They found a small café and walked in, happy to see the rustic place wasn’t crowded. They walked to a booth in the back corner and sat, looking at the menus that were already on the table. A young woman walks over to greet them.  

“Hello, my name is Tessa, I will be the one helping you today. How are you two doing today.” She smiled warmly at them.

“Fine and you?” Castiel said in response.

“Can’t complain. Today’s specials are over there,” She pointed to a small chalk board behind her toward the counter “I would recommend the steak.” She smiles at them.

“Can I start you too off with something to drink?” she added.

“I will take a beer.” Dean says looking at the menu.

“I will too.” Cas smiles at her.

“Alright I will be right back.” Dean feels her eyes on him but doesn’t look up till she walks back toward the kitchen.

“Seems like someone has a crush on you.” Cas says. Deans head jerks up.

“What?” Dean stairs at Castiel who is focused on the menu.

“The waitress, Tessa.” Cas smirks and glances at Dean who looks flustered.

“Huh, well that sucks for her because I think I--”

“Alright boys, here’s your drinks,” She sets them on the table. “Are you ready to order?” She smiles warmly at Dean who looks annoyed. Dean notices her eyes wandering over his body and it bothers him for the first time in his life.

Castiel, seeming to sense his annoyance, responds to the woman.

“Yes. I will take the burger please.” Cas smiles setting the menu down.

“Whatever you say sir,” she writes it down on her paper. “And for you?” She smiles brightly at Dean, her hip popping out.

“I will do the same thing.” Dean says watching Castiel. Their eyes meet and hold and Dean feels his annoyance slip away as he gazes into the eyes of the man across from him. A smile tugs at the corners of his mouth and Cas smirks. He hears the lady say something to them but they don’t respond. She huffs and walks away. Cas clears his throat and picks up his beer holding it to his lips, smirk still on his face. He holds Deans gaze as he takes a sip. Dean didn’t know drinking beer could look so good.

“I am going to go use the bathroom.” Dean says to Cas who nods in response. Dean walks into the cramped dark bathroom. When he is done, he washes his hands and splashes some of the cool water on his face before opening the door. As he walks over to the table he sees the woman standing there and a steely look on Castiels face. Dean sits looking at Cas. Tessa smiles before she walks away.

“Everything alright Cas?” Cas looks up at Dean and smiles.

“Yeah, all good. She uhh, wanted to know how we wanted our burgers cooked.”

“So, Glacier tomorrow?” Cas adds. They chat for a few minutes about their plans before their food gets out. They eat, chatting while they do so, before paying the bill and leaving. They drive in silence back to the house. Dean goes to the trunk grabbing the groceries they bought at the store while Castiel goes to unlock the front door.

“Thank you.” Dean says as he passes Castiel, who holds the door open. He sets the bags down and takes a deep breath.

“One beer wasn’t enough.” Dean grabs two glasses and walks over to his bag, pulling out the bottle of whiskey Castiel gave him for Christmas. He plops down on the couch and opens the expensive bottle, pouring himself and Cas a cup. Castiel watches Dean during this whole process. Dean pats a spot next to him and Castiel walks over and drops down next to him, a few inches separating them form each other. Dean hands Castiel the glass.

“I could’ve driven and you could’ve had more beers you know.” Cas says.

“Eh, it’s alright. What’s done is done.” Dean holds his glass up toward Castiel who watches his every move.

“To a new year with new friendships. May this year not suck.” Castiel laughs.

“To new beginnings.” Cas adds.

“To my revival. Thanks for bringing me back from the edge Cas.” Dean taps his glass against Castiels before swallowing the amber liquid down in one smooth motion. Cas watches Dean, feeling a little sad and a little happy in that moment. He follows suit by drinking the whiskey down. They sit in silence for a few moments just watching the flames. Dean pours them another drink and they swallow those, and two more each. They chat while they sit there, the conversation flowing easily.

“What, what is the stupidest,” Castiel pauses mid-sentence to laugh and drink another glass of whiskey. “thing you have ever done?” Dean laughs as many memories fly through his head. He loves drinking. It makes him feel light and really just not give a fuck. They were both a little drunk at this point but neither of them cared. A memory surfaces.

“I streaked at a football game during my first year of college.” Castiel burst out laughing, and the light bubbly sound gets Dean laughing till they both have tears in their eyes and can’t breathe. Dean drinks another glass, setting his cup and the bottle down on the coffee table.

“Did,” Castiel wipes at his eyes and takes a deep breath trying to hold in his laughter. “Did you get in trouble?”

“Well, I would’ve, if the cop that caught me hadn’t been my girlfriend at the time.” Cas laughs once again and looks at the ceiling.

“She broke up with me after that.” Dean smiles at the memory, and stairs at the fire. Cas looks at Dean.

“A lot of woman break up with me.” Deans head rolls so he is looking at the person who sits so close, Dean can see his dark thick eye lashes.

“Am I unlikeable sweetheart?” Dean looks sad and Castiel wants to wrap him up and tell him how much he cares for him.

“No, you are so very desirable Dean Winchester, I don’t know how anybody could not want you.” Deans heart throbs in his chest. His eyes drop from Castiels to his delectable lips. The alcohol makes him not care that he wants to kiss Castiel Novak. It makes him not care that he is slowly leaning in towards him. It makes him not care that this will changes things between them forever. Dean leans in stopping just short of Castiels lips, breathing the same air as Castiel. He looks up to see the blue eyes considering him, the want and need for the same thing clear in his eyes. Castiel wants Dean just as much. Deans lips are close enough to Castiels now that he can feel his breath on Deans lips. Dean, ready to close that gap starts to lean into the man when his cell phone rings causing them both to jump. Irritation floods Deans veins as he pulls out the phone and answers.

“What.” He says not checking the caller ID.

“Son, its Bobby.”

“What’s up Bobby, is this important, I was kind of in the middle of something.” Dean looks at Castiel who looks flushed and winks at him when he catches his eye. Cas blushes and looks away from Dean.

“Yea son, it is unfortunately. I know you are in Montana but I thought you should know.” Dread bubbles up I Dean. He looks at the fire place and sits a little straighter on the couch.

“What is it?” He asks.

“It’s John. He was in an accident. They think he is going to be fine, but he is in a lot of trouble son.” Dean closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose.

“Shit.” He says, not knowing what else to say.

“They are waiting for him to wake up and for the test results before they take him away. It is real serious this time since this is not his first DUI and he does not have a license and stole the car he wrecked.” Bobby says on the other end. Dean shakes his head. He doesn’t want to believe it.

“Nobody got hurt, right?” Dean says.

“Except for him, the car, and the tree they took on, no.”

“Do I need to come home for this? How bad is it going to be?” Dean asks in a low voice.

“I wouldn’t worry about rushing home son. You enjoy your trip and I will keep you updated.” Bobby sounds tired on the other end.

“Thanks Bobby. Let me know if I you need me to come home to deal with this.” Dean looks up to see Castiel watching him with a concerned expression.

“No problem son. I will talk to you tomorrow.” Dean hangs up the phone dropping it on the couch next to him.

“Is everything--” Dean pounces on Cas, encasing his lips with his own, grabbing his cheeks to hold the beautiful face in place. Castiels chapped lips are a lot softer than Dean imagined them to feel, but either way they feel amazing against his. Castiels shocked reaction wore off and he melted into the kiss, his lips parting so Deans experienced tongue could enter his mouth. Dean tilts his head to deepen the kiss. Cas moans into Deans mouth and it makes Dean smile. He pulls back, his thumb caressing the stubbly cheek with his thumb.

“So, my theory was right, you do taste like whiskey.” Dean says smiling at Cas. The incredulous look on Castiels face makes Dean laugh.

“Are you going to be weirded out in the morning?” Dean asks glancing over. Castiel stairs at the fire a small smile on his face. He doesn’t respond. Dean starts to worry that he made a mistake by kissing Cas.

“Hello, earth to Cas.” Dean says waving a hand in Castiels face.

“Yea?” Cas looks like he missed everything Dean had just said to him. Dean laughs.

“What did Tessa say to you when I was in the bathroom that made you look so upset?” Castiels  smile widens and he glances over at Dean.

“She asked me how long I have had a crush on you for, and is you were gay.” Dean jerks his head to look at Cas.

“…And?” Dean watches Castiel with wide eyes. Cas giggled and looked at Dean. Dean could tell he was completely out of it, and would probably forget most of this in the morning, which made Dean sad. Cas wouldn’t remember their kiss.

“I told her I didn’t know what she was talking about.” Cas laughed once more and Deans heart dropped. He looked at his thighs. Cas didn’t like him? Dean messed up. He shouldn’t have kissed him. He looked at Cas, who held his hands to his face, like he was covering his eyes.

“Hey sweetheart, you ok?” Dean reached his hand out, resting it on Castiels shoulder. Cas shook his head, and let out a shaky breath. He mumbled something undistinguishable, Dean picking up one word. _Sick._ Uh-oh.

“Alright sweetheart let’s get you to the bathroom.” Dean stood, feeling a little wobbly himself, and put his arm around Castiels waist, pulling him to his feet. Cas groaned in protest. They made it to the bathroom where Dean gently brought Cas down to the floor to sit by the toilet. Cas looked pale and like he was going to puke. Dean ran out to the bag to grab one of the extra towels and a bottle of water. He made it back in time to see Cas vomit getting some on his shirt. Dean cringed. He set the towel and water on the floor by Cas, before running back to Cas’s room to grab the man’s pajamas. Once he found them, he returned to the bathroom to find Cas curled up on the floor.

“You ok Cas?” Dean asked worried about him. Cas nodded and watched Dean walk over to him. Never again, would Dean let Cas drink this much. The guilt he felt would only be worse tomorrow. He pulled Cas up into a sitting position, a whimper leaving his lips that broke what was left of Deans heart. Dean stood and grabbed the wash rag from the counter, running it under the sink.

“Arms up Cas.” Castiel complied, putting his arms above his head. Dean grabbed the hem of the man’s shirt pulling it off in one quick move. As soon as Dean had the shirt off Cas slide back to the floor and curled into yet another little ball. The way Cas was laying gave Dean a view of tattoo on Castiels back. The detailed black wings on Castiels back started at his shoulder blades and advanced all the way down his muscular back. The tattoo was so realistic that if Dean squinted they looked real. He couldn’t believe how big the tattoo was, he thought it would be small but this? This was amazing. Dean pulled his attention away from the tattoo and focused on getting Cas comfortable. He pulled Cas back up into a sitting position.

“Come on Cas, the sooner we get this done the sooner you can lay down. Hands up sweetheart.” Cas put his arms up once again and Dean had to ignore the muscular body he was hiding away. He finally got the loose-fitting black tee-shirt on.

“Are you going to be sick again?” Dean looked at Cas. He shook his head.

“Are you sure sweetheart?” Dean smirked at him. Even though he seemed miserable, Cas smiled at Dean and nodded.

“I ‘m o-k” Cas slurred. Dean closed the toilet and flushed it, pulling Cas up to sit on it. Dean was thankful for Castiels lithe form, making his job of pulling the man around easy. Once Cas was seated on the toilet and Dean was sure he wasn’t going to fall off, he undid the button of Castiels pants and pulled down the zipper.

“Whoa there buddy.” Castiel slurred and Dean smirked. There was no way Cas was gonna remember any of this tomorrow. Dean pulled Castiels jeans off and slid on the red flannel pajama pants Castiel had gotten from Sam. Dean used the rag to wash off the throw up from Castiels face and once Dean was satisfied, he gave Cas the water.

“Drink.” He told him.

“Is, is this more alcohol.” Cas asked opening the lid, smelling the water dramatically.

“No, its water.” Dean smiled.

“I don’t want water.” Cas looked at Dean.

“Well in that case, it’s vodka.”

“Well that’s good. When you’re thirsty, Vodka.” Dean laughed and Cas drank the liquid. Cas drank a third of the bottle before putting the lid back on. it looked like some of the color had returned to Castiels face and for that, Dean was thankful.

“Alright sweetheart, are you ready to get some sleep?” Dean asked Cas. Cas nodded. Dean wrapped his arm around Castiels waist, Cas throwing his arm around Deans shoulders.

“You are very muscular. I like this shoulder.” Cas poked Deans shoulder with a wide grin on his adorable face. They walked into the bedroom and Dean helped Cas into bed. Cas pulled the covers back and crawled in.

“Hey Dean?” Cas asked sitting there watching the other man.

“Yes sweetheart?” Dean smiled softly.

“Will you stay in here with me tonight? I don’t wanna be alone.” Cas looked scared for reasons Dean would probably never know. He sighed.

“Somebody has to make sure I don’t choke on vomit in my sleep, right?” Cas added in an attempt to get Dean to stay.

“Can I go put on my pajamas?” Dean asked. Cas nodded and Dean smiled because he had a feeling Cas would be asleep when he got back. Dean walked out and changed into his PJ’s and turned off all the lights before going to see if Cas was asleep yet. He peaked around the corner and saw Cas sitting where Dean had left him, looking exhausted.

“You coming Dean?” Cas called loudly not seeing Dean standing there. This was a terrible idea but Dean couldn’t find it in himself to care.

“I am here Cas.” Dean walked in and Cas smiled and pulled back the covers for Dean, who laughed.

“I really should sleep on the couch Cas.” Dean said.

“You are staying right here to make sure I don’t die in my sleep.” Cas waited for Dean, who hesitated before sliding onto the bed. Cas made a content sound before dropping the blankets he was holding up and laying down, wiggling till he was finally comfortable in a fetal position tightly gripping a pillow. Dean laughed. He watched the man for a minute before he too, got comfortable, laying on his side with his back to Castiel. Dean could feel how tense he was, and he had to keep repeating _its Cas. It is Castiel._ to keep himself calm. After a few moments of silence Dean heard Castiel sigh.

“Hey Dean?” Cas said. Dean rolled over to lay flat on his back. He glanced at Cas.

“What’s up sweetheart?” Dean said in a voice barely above a whisper.

“Can I ask you a question? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want.” Cas shifted.

“Anything sweetheart.”

“If Lisa came back and told you,” Castiels swallowed before continuing to slur his words “she was sorry and wanted to try again, would you go back to her?” Dean could tell Cas was nervous that Dean would get upset. He sighed and took a moment to consider this. Dean smiled. Because of Castiel, he felt that he could go on without her. Because of Castiel he felt he didn’t want to be with her for the first time, and it occurred to Dean how deep his feelings for Castiel ran, and that scared Dean, especially after tonight. Castiel basically told him how he didn’t have feelings for Dean, but Dean was just happy to have Castiel in his life, even if just as a friend. Maybe.

“No. I don’t think I would. I don’t love her any more if that’s what you are asking.”

“I don’t want you to leave Dean. I would miss you.” Castiels voice was quiet. Dean smiled.

“I am not going to leave sweetheart. I would never leave you.” Dean felt like such a chick. These sappy moments normally annoyed him, but the alcohol brought it out in him.

“Good. Night Dean.” Cas said sounding as if he was going to fall asleep any minute now.

“Good night sweetheart.” Dean waited until he heard Castiels steady breathing before he closed his eyes and welcomed the sweet darkness of sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, so the book I reference Cas reading in this chapter is a book I have never read, so I apologize to those of you who have read it if I didn't do it justice. For those who HAVEN'T read it, if you google it, you will probably get why I chose it... ;)


	12. Hangovers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry it has been so long... one of the reasons that were preventing me from writing was that I was really unhappy with how chapter 12 went because I rushed it so I hadn't been in a mood to write. SO, for those of you that have been reading or have read ch12 you should re-read it because I changed something major in it... Don't worry it'll happen again;) you can thank my best friend for me continuing to write this, she told me not to leave you all hanging when I felt like deleting this story altogether... Let me know what you guys think!!
> 
> SO without further ado the new and improved chapter 12!! Chapter 13 coming soon!!

Throb. Throb. Throb. Castiel feels the hammer crashing into his skull in a consistent ache. The stale taste of whiskey gave him an idea of why he felt like shit. How much did they drink last night? Castiel realizes everything gets a little fuzzy after their third glass of whiskey.

He opens his eyes slowly. A small gasp escapes his lips when he sees Dean sleeping peacefully a few inches away from him. Cas examines Dean while he has a chance to do so without being caught, not that the fear of getting caught has ever stopped him. He is asleep on his stomach, with the blankets under him, his feet being the only part of him sheltered by the comforter. His head is facing Castiel; his hair is crazy, a mess that Castiel wants to run his hands through. Deans muscular arm is almost touching Castiel, his hand tucked under the pillow. His black tee-shirt is pulled up exposing a sliver of skin right above Deans hipbones. He sighs in his sleep and Cas freezes looking up at Dean. He waits a moment before he slides out of the bed. When he is on is feet, he feels queasy; he drops down on the floor to settle his empty stomach taking deep breath after deep breath. _In and out Castiel, in and out. You will not puke today._ God, for someone who runs their own bar he really doesn’t handle alcohol well. He rubs his face and looks at the clock on the night table. One o’clock in the afternoon. Jeez. He stands and grabs the blanket, pulling it over Dean before grabbing his bag and walking to the bathroom. He walks in and sits on the toilet, and closes his eyes. He breathes in through his nose and out through his mouth a few times. He opens his eyes and looks at his bag and decides to get dressed; He pulls out a pair of jeans, boxers and socks, a black tee-shirt, and a blue and black flannel that reminds him of Dean for some reason. Cas stands and sets the clothes on the toilet. He considers taking a shower, but between the pounding headache and the lingering nauseous feeling, he decides against it. He walks over to the sink where he washes his face and brushes his teeth. He finds a bottle of aspirin in the corner of the vanity and takes two with a hand full of sink water. He dresses and grabs his bag before exiting the bathroom. Cas pads quietly into the bedroom where Dean is still sleeping soundly and sets his bag down. He walks out, glancing back at Dean one last time before he quietly closes the door. The cabin feels cold so Cas decides to start a fire. He walks over and puts three logs in and the kindling, just as Dean had, and strikes a match. He waits for the kindling to catch but the small flame never reaches the logs. Cas tries two more times becoming more frustrated with each fail. He did what Dean had done, but it wasn’t working for him. What was he doing wrong? Castiel sighed and stood, accepting the cold failure. He looks at the mantel, his head still throbbing, and decides he could use some fresh air. He finds his boots and slips them on but when he goes looking for his jacket, he cannot find it anywhere. He sees Deans tan Carhartt hanging by the door and settles for stealing it. He walks over and slides the too big jacket on before stealthily slipping out the front door. A chill runs up his spine as he walks to the back yard. The day is dreary, gray clouds filling the expansive sky. The thin layer of snow on the ground crunches under Castiel's boots as he follows the path to the back. Even in winter, the yard pops with color; the rich greens from the many types of pine trees growing, the warm reds and yellows from the witch hazel blossoms close to the house, and Cas even notices a delicate pink growing closer to the forest. He walks over hugging the Dean scented jacket to his chest. When he reaches the area where he spotted the pink he realizes it’s a small garden, a gate enclosing the growing plants. Castiel opens the gate and walks in to get a better look at the blossoms. The pink that caught his eye is a small flourishing camellia plant with a dozen or so beautifully intricate flowers. He sees a few sulfur paintbrush plants poking up, the distinguishable yellow and pink blooms small. The fireweeds and elephant heads are out of season but their plants are still fighting in the harsh winter weather. And amongst all these plants, a mix of Japanese and Russian snow drops rise from the snow towards the suns warm rays. Castiel is astonished by the beauty of the small winter garden. He sees a large rock by the gate and brushes the snow from it and sits, the garden bringing him peace. He thinks about last night, trying to remember what happened. He remembers Dean and him talking and he remembers Dean getting a phone call and then Castiel throwing up and that was the last thing he remembers. Nothing happened after that, right? Castiel thinks hard on it. He feels he is missing parts of last night. Did he say anything embarrassing? He didn’t admit his feelings for the other man, did he? Castiel's stomach twists into knots. He keeps trying to stir up memories from last night when he hears Dean calling his name from the front porch. Castiel rises and heads that way. When he makes it to the witch hazel tree, he sees Dean frantically running around the corner in search of Castiel; the tension leaves Deans shoulders when he finds Cas, letting out a sigh.

“There you are,” Dean says. Cas walks over to him.

“Is everything okay Dean?” Cas feels the worry bubbling up at Deans panicked rush to find him. Dean, still in his pajamas, didn’t bother to put on shoes when he ran out into the snow to find Cas. Cas watches Dean and tries to swallow down the dread.

“I thought you left.” Dean looks lost and Castiel lets out a sigh.

“Come on, let’s get you inside before you freeze to death.” Cas wraps his arm around Deans shoulders, worried the other man is going to catch a cold. They walk into the house and Cas slips off Deans jacket, putting it back on its hook by the door and slips out of his boots. He turns to see Dean watching him.

“How are you feeling?” Cas says, smiling warmly at Dean before he walks toward the kitchen. He grabs the kettle on the stove and fills it with water. He needs a cup of tea. Maybe that will help with his headache. He hears Dean pad into the kitchen and stops next to Cas. Castiel looks over at Dean, who looks lost in thought.

“I feel okay,” Dean says quietly.

“Why did you think I left?” Castiel turns so he is facing him, his arms crossed. Deans eyes shoot up to meet Castiel's.

“I thought you were going to be pissed about last night.” Deans face is pale and Cas can tell that Dean is worried that whatever happened last night is going to make Castiel not want anything to do with him. If only Dean knew how Cas felt about him. He lets out a small light laugh that grabs Deans attention.

“What makes last night different from any other night? We already talk about everything and so what that we slept in the same bed. All we did was sleep, right?” Cas watches Dean carefully.

“Of course, Cas.” He sighs “What do you remember from last night?”  Deans brows are pulled together and he looks like he is running over the events from last night in his head.

“I remember the four or five glasses of whiskey, the talking, you getting a phone call, me throwing up, and that’s the last of it really. I know there are some blanks in there if you wouldn’t mind filling them in for me.” Cas smiles at Dean who looks sad.

“What is it? What am I forgetting?” Cas frowns. He thinks hard about last night but he can't be missing that much.

“I am going to go get dressed. I’ll be right back.” Dean turns and heads out of the room. Cas wants to call after him but Deans peculiar behavior leaves him speechless. What was Castiel forgetting? He thinks back. They were telling stories and Cas asked Dean something, he can’t remember what, but the answer made him laugh. He remembers them cracking up for a bit then Dean asking what was wrong with himself, and then he remembers comforting him. Then Deans phone rang and he seemed really worried and then Castiel asked him about what happened then he got sick. The tea kettle began to whistle so Cas turned off the stove and prepared his cup of tea before wandered into the living room to wait for Dean. He sat in his chair and picked up his book to pass the time until Dean came back out to join him.  Five pages later, Dean, who wore a gray cotton long sleeve shirt, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, and nicely fitting jeans wandered out of the room. Castiel closes his book and watches the man standing in the middle of the room. Even though he is avoiding eye contact with him, Dean still ends up plopping down in the closest possible seat to Cas.

“I’m sorry if I had an attitude before. I guess I was just a little upset but I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. Sorry sweetheart.” Dean peeks over at him and Cas smiles.

“No worries, I get it. Is everything alright? I didn’t do anything to upset you right?” Cas feels the dread twisting knots in his stomach. Dean lets out a small laugh and looks down at his hands.

“No sweetheart. It’s not you. As cliché as this sounds, it's me.” Castiel waits for him to continue but he doesn’t.

“Are you sure? You can talk to me Dean, you know that.”

“Of course sweetheart,” He takes a deep breath and when he is about to continue his phone rings. Dean sighs and closes his eyes.

“I should probably take this, is that ok?” Dean pulls the phone from his pocket and looks at Cas, who smiles and nods because he doesn’t know what to say. Something feels off between him and Dean and he hates it because he doesn’t know how to fix it. Dean nods back and lifts the phone to his ear. 

“Hey Bobby,” he says watching Cas with every word. Cas feels his cheeks turn red.

“Shit, really? That can’t be good if it's already going to court so soon.” Dean sounds as worried as he looks.

“Is he awake yet?” he sighs and closes his beautiful green eyes.

“Okay, let me know what you hear. Have him call me when he wakes up. Thanks again Bobby.” Dean hangs up the phone.

“All good?” Cas gets up to go sit by him leaving only a few inches between them, his knee almost touching Deans leg. Dean shifts so that he is facing Cas.

“My dad stole a car while drunk and crashed it into a tree. His court hearing is in a little under two weeks.” The shock is visible on Castiel's face.

“Oh god, Dean, I’m so sorry, are you alright?” Cas doesn’t care if things are weird between them, he reaches out and grabs Deans hand, squeezing it gently. Dean closes his eyes and some of the tension leaves his face. Castiel knows how much Dean cares about his father, so he must be hurting.

“Yea, they are going to put him away this time, for a long time, I can feel it. But that is if he wakes up. I just wish he didn’t do stupid shit like this.” Dean tries to look annoyed, but Castiel can tell he is worried. Cas doesn’t think there is anything he can say to comfort him so he moves closer, their legs touching now, and puts his head, the throbbing a mellow ache now, on his shoulder and squeezes his hand. They sit like this for what felt like hours, until Dean let out a sigh and squeezes his hand.

“I’m starving.” He mumbles quietly. Castiel's stomach growls in response.

“Me too.” He lifts his head to look at Dean, who is already watching him. Dean smiles softly at him and it warms his heart.

“What sounds good?” Dean says, his eyes dropping to Castiel's lips. Cas smirks.

“We got stuff for spaghetti at the store yesterday,” Cas shifts away a bit and stretches his arms above his head. “how about that?” Dean nods. They both stand and walk together to the kitchen.

“I got this Cas, why don’t you read your book for a bit?” Dean says.

“I want to help.” Cas frowns.

“And I want to cook for you. It makes me feel useful.” Dean pulls Cas back into the living room and gently pushes him down into the chair he was reading in yesterday. He runs into the bedroom grabbing the throw blanket for Cas. Dean puts the blanket in Castiel's lap and smiles and winks at Cas, who feels his cheeks heat, before heading back to the kitchen.

“Do you mind if I turn on some music?” Dean implores.

“Not at all.” Cas watches Dean pull his phone out and turns on his playlist. ‘Ramble On’ by Led Zeppelin comes on, making a wide smile spread across Deans face. Cas watches the grown man silently fangirl over the song before he moves effortlessly around the kitchen preparing their meal. He mouths the lyrics as he cooks, occasionally singing along quietly. He dances along too, his hips swaying and his head bobbing and Cas tries his hardest to hold in his laughter. He has no idea how Dean expected him to focus on his book with the marvelous show he was putting on before him. Cas closes the book setting it on the arm of the chair happy that the awkwardness seemed to dissolve away. Dean slides dramatically to the fridge pulling out the jar of sauce before sliding back to the stove. When the song comes to an end, and ‘Some Kind of Monster’ by Metallica comes on Deans shoulders visibly relax, as if the classic rock calms him. He starts to sway to the music again, head bobbing along to the beat, as he stirs in the pasta into the boiling water. Dean hums along as he waits for the pasta to be done, and by the time the nine-minute song ends, he is pouring the spaghetti into the strainer. Traveling Riverside Blues is the next song to come on as he pours the cooked pasta back into the pot, stirring in the sauce. Dean then moves to grab two plates and two forks, and two waters from the fridge. He dishes up their food and sets their plates aside and he starts doing the dishes.

“Hey! I am supposed to do those!” Cas springs from his seat, rushing to stop Dean.

“I got it! It is really not a big deal, jeez Cas!” Cas makes it to him and grabs his wrist pulling him from the sink.

“You cook, I clean remember?” Cas stares into his eyes with a stern look. Dean pulls his hands from Castiel's vise-like grip and cups his face.

“I can do the dishes. There are not that many and it will only take a second.” Dean smile at the speechless Cas. It takes a full minute before Cas is able to answer him.

“I know you are fully capable of doing them, but I want to help with something.” Cas feels frustrated that Dean won’t let him do anything so he pulls away from him and puts his hands on his hips. 

“I know you do, but I like taking care of you Cas. It makes me feel like I am more than a simple mechanic.” Cas softens and sighs. Cas grabs their plates and the waters and puts them on the coffee table while Dean works on the dishes. He walks back into the kitchen and adds some honey to his favorite jasmine tea before leaning against the counter and watching Dean. ‘Behind Blue Eyes’ by The Who plays quietly in the background; Cas scoffs at the song and Dean smirks.

“How are you feeling by the way? I was worried about you last night. No more heavy drinking for you sweetheart.”

“Aside from a headache, I feel fine now. I was a bit queasy this morning but after I went outside I felt better. Did you know there is a garden out there?” Cas looks at Dean.

“Well I am glad you are feeling better,” Dean puts a wooden spoon into the drying rack, “And yes Rufus, the man who owns this cabin planted the garden for his wife who died in a hunting accident. Her favorite time of year was winter so he planted all winter plants.”

“Well, it is beautiful.” Cas stirs the spoonful of honey into his tea slowly and turns to Dean.

“What do we have going on tomorrow? We still have, what, four days here?” Cas smiles at the thought, happy to have this time with him.

“Well since we slept in all day we can do Glacier tomorrow, and watch movies the rest of the day today, taking it easy?” Dean puts the last dish in the rack to dry.

“Sounds good to me.” Cas holds the mug close to his chest. Their eyes meet and Dean smirks.

“Ready to eat?” Dean dries his hands on his pants. Cas smiles and follows Dean into the living room dropping down next to him on the couch, their elbows touching. They chat aimlessly while they eat and as soon as they finish Cas takes their plates into the kitchen and washes them while Dean grabs the movies he brought along. Dean looks through the stack of 10 movies, choosing three to let Cas pick from.

“Okay Cas, what are you in the mood for? Batman, Dirty Dancing, or your documentary Earth? Personally, I am in the mood for Dirty Dancing, because it's Swayze.”

“Hm, Dirty Dancing? What’s it about?” Dean stared at the floor slowly looking up at Cas, his face blank.

“Are- you’re shitting me, right?” Dean looked astounded.

“No?” Cas smiled.

“How in the…” Dean let out an exasperated breath. “Sit. We are watching this movie.” 


	13. The Time of my Life

_Now I've had the time of my life_

Dean watches Cas, engrossed in the film as the final scene plays. He is sitting cross legged and is slightly leaning toward the TV with his beautiful azure eyes wide. He clutches a pillow tightly to his chest. 

_No, I never felt like this before_

A wide smile splays across Castiel's face making Dean smile in turn. Dean forgets about the movie, he isn’t missing much since he has watched this movie a million times, completely turning his attention to the man next to him. Castiel is much more fascinating than the movie at this moment.

_Yes, I swear it's the truth and I owe it all to you_

Dean watches Castiel till they all dance off into the distance.

“That was great! Can we watch it again? I am happy you showed it to me! It makes me wish I could dance.” Castiel smiles brightly at Dean, eyes wide with excitement.

“God Cas, you are beautiful.” Deans whispers, thoughts spilling out of his mouth before he realizes he is saying them. Cas blushes and bashfully looks away, missing Deans red cheeks, which Dean is thankful for.

“We can watch it anytime you want sweetheart,” Dean adds. Cas glances at Dean and they sit there looking at each other for a moment. Dean clears his throat and looks down.

“Hey, it looks like the sun is setting, we should go watch it.” Cas smiles brightly.

“Okay.” Dean stands and pulls Cas up. Dean walks to the bedroom where his boots are and slides them, and his leather jacket on before walking back to meet Cas. Cas has his boots on, but no jacket.

“Where is your jacket?” Dean says.

“I do not know. I couldn’t find it, that’s why I was wearing your Carhartt this morning.” Dean walks over pulling his jacket off the hook and hands it to Cas. Cas smiles gratefully. They walk out into the chilly December evening and find a flat bolder they can sit on. There is a small break in the trees where they can see the mountains and the sun slowly slipping behind them like they are a blanket and it is tucking itself into bed. The bright white of the sun is surrounded by vibrant reds and warm oranges that light up the surrounding clouds reminding Dean of cotton candy. The color leaks from the sky as the sun slowly dips behind the mountains leaving them in darkness. Neither of them says anything for what feels like forever until Cas extends his hand to Dean.

“Come on, let’s go watch another movie before we call it a night.” Dean takes the other mans hand and slips off the rock. The crunch of the snow under their boots is the only sound in the night. No cars honking or people chattering, just the sound of them and whatever bugs are out there in the harsh Montana winter.

“It’s so peaceful out here,” Castiel says as if reading Dean's mind.

“I was just thinking that exact thing.” Dean laughs and Cas smirks.

“What should we do with the rest of the night?” Castiel asks. Deans mind wanders in the too dangerous territory.

“Are you down to watch another movie?” Dean says.

“Sure, but there are no promises that I will make it through the whole thing. Even though we slept the day away, I still feel tired.” Cas says as they walk through the door.

“We can just go to sleep Cas. We don’t have to watch another movie.” Dean smirks at him.

“You don’t mind?” Cas asks.

“Not at all. Go take a shower and we can call it a night.” Dean smiles as he slips his jacket off, and hangs it on the hook. Cas gives Dean a half-smile before he nods and heads into the bedroom to grab his stuff. Dean slips out of his boots and heads into the kitchen. He grabs a beer and turns on the kettle to make Cas a cup of tea. Cas walks out of the bedroom and straight into the bathroom.

“I will be done in a few.” He says before closing the door. Dean stands by the stove and waits for the kettle to whistle and gets lost in his thoughts. He thinks about how he seems to lose his filter around Cas and how comfortable he feels around him. Usually, it takes Dean what feels like forever to feel this relaxed around someone but Cas makes him feel comfortable and welcome and safe. He hasn’t known Cas that long and they are already the best of friends and it surprises Dean every time he thinks about it. He wouldn’t trade this man for anything and values his friendship above all else. And when he was drunk he started thinking about having more than just friendship with Cas and that terrifies him because _No that cannot happen, what if he screws up what they do have?_ Dean would lose it. Plus, Cas told him he wasn’t into him like that and he has the other guy who wanted to take him to Europe or whatever. The thought of this other dude makes Deans stomach twist into knots. He would never admit to anyone that he was jealous, but he is. He really is and it drives him mad the thought of someone else stealing Cas away, just like the other man had stolen Lisa away. He pushes thoughts of her down. But Dean will admit that it does make him happier than it should that he turned down the trip with that other guy to _Europe_ but came to Montana with Dean without a second thought. It warms his scared and broken-down heart in a way that Dean hasn’t experienced in a long time. The tea kettle pulls him back to reality, its loud whistle breaking his train of thought. He grabs a mug and Castiels tea and prepares it the way he has seen Cas do it many times. He is putting everything else away when the bathroom door opens and Cas walks out in his pajamas. Dean walks over with the mug and his beer and holds it out to him.

“A cup of tea before bed.” Cas smiles and accepts the mug.

“Thank you, Dean, I was just thinking about making a cup.”

“No problem Sweetheart.” Dean smiles as he watches Cas take a sip.

“Just the way I like it.” Cas smiles gratefully.

“Good.” Dean pauses briefly and debates taking a shower. “I am going to go hop in the shower.” He smiles at Cas who nods and walks over to sit in his chair. Dean grabs his stuff and heads into the bathroom finishing his beer on the way.

* * *

Dean smiles when he exits the bathroom 15 minutes later. Cas, who sits cross legged in his chair has fallen asleep with his book in his lap and an empty cup in his hands. His chin is resting against his chest and he is snoring lightly. Dean walks over to him.

“Sweetheart.” He says quietly, shaking the man’s shoulder gently. Cas jumps slightly.

“I’m up, I’m up.” He rubs his eyes with his free hand. Dean laughs.

“Let’s get you to bed sweetheart.” Dean takes the book and the mug and sets them on the coffee table. He offers Castiel his hand, and he takes it with a smile as Dean pulls him to his feet. Dean points to the room and smirks. Cas takes a few steps and turns when he sees Dean isn’t following.

“Aren’t you going to sleep in there too?” Cas says looking confused.

“Uh, no I am going to sleep on the couch.” Dean rubs the back of his neck and hopes the Cas can’t see his blush. Cas is looking at him as if he can see right into his soul. Dean shifts on his feet.

“Dean, there is no need for you to sleep on the couch when the bed is obviously big enough for the two of us. Now come on, it is not like we haven’t slept in the same bed before.” Cas says in a tone that has Dean following Cas. He turns off all the lights and makes sure everything is sound before they go into the room without another word. Dean closes the door behind him and watches Cas slide into the bed on one side. Castiel looks at Dean and rolls his eyes before he pats the spot next to him. Dean hesitates for a moment, then, before he over thinks this he walks over to the bed and slides in next to Cas.

“Now was that so hard,” Cas says with a smirk on his face. Dean blushes and turns off the lamp and gets comfortable. He hears Cas laugh in the dark. It is silent for a bit before Dean speaks.

“What do you want to do tomorrow?” Dean asks.

“Glacier?” Cas asks sleepily. Dean laughs.

“Sounds good,” Dean rolls over onto his stomach and turns his head in Cas’s direction. “Night sweetheart,” Dean says and tries to see Cas in the dark.

“Goodnight Dean.” Cas shifts on the bed and Dean feels Castiel's arm touch his. Dean stays still until Cas’s breathing evens out and shifts a bit closer to the other man. Their arms and legs are touching now and Dean smiles. He closes his eyes and takes deep breaths until a peaceful dreamless sleep takes hold of him.

 


	14. Nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this has taken so long, I had to do my proof reading and was in the middle of my midterms, I hope you guys enjoy! kudos and comments welcomed and appreciated!

_Dean recognizes this dream from the moment it begins; he has had it many times before. He is in the old country church, with a few family members and close friends. He is standing at the alter with Sam next to him, his nerves getting the best of him so his baby brother is trying to calm him, when suddenly the music starts. Sam slaps his shoulder and moves back into place. For the first time, this dream feels so utterly wrong and he can’t pinpoint why. He sees Lisa walk out in her, what she called a ‘vintage lace mermaid dress’ or something like that, and she looks absolutely stunning. Dean watches her make her way down the aisle and when she is close to him he extends a hand which she smirks at. She walks right past him to a man whom Dean didn’t see until this moment and takes his hand. Dean can’t see his face. She snickers and looks him in the eyes and says, “What, you honestly thought I would choose you?”_

_The man beside her lets out a loud burst of laughter before the two turns back to the priest. Dean feels like there is a toad in his throat and a knife in his heart. He turns away from them and looks out to the people who came to see their wedding. The many looks of disappointment twist the knife, when he spots a welcoming face amongst the disapproving ones. Castiel stands and makes his way over to him and extends his hand with a gentle smile. Dean lifts his hand and realizes it is shaking. He is about to take Castiels hand when he hears a scoff from the audience. He pauses and looks over Castiels shoulder to the third row where his father sits and he hears the words from the day that he told John he was getting a divorce._

_“What a failure. Can’t even keep a woman happy.” John shakes his head looking disgusted, he stands and starts to walk out._

_“Wait—” Dean tries to go after him but his feet won’t move and he can’t breathe._

_“I told you she was wrong for you Dean. You never listen. And your bossy.” Sam says and follows John to the door._

_“Sammy, wait!” Dean calls and Sam looks over his shoulder with a sad look on his face._

_“Not this time Dean. I can’t keep doing this because I know each time you will just let everyone, including yourself, down.” Dean takes a shuddering breath as his baby brother, exits the church; he calls after him and Castiel looks at him before turning to go too._

_“Wait Cas, I can’t lose you too!” He calls, his voice cracking, but Cas keeps moving towards the door. Dean feels the tears and he can’t stop them, just like he can’t stop Lisa and his dad and Sam and now Castiel from leaving. He keeps scream for him and waiting for him to come back to Dean but Cas just keeps going until he is gone, and Dean is left with no one yet again._

* * *

Castiel wakes before Dean again, but today the sun is up. He is warm and wrapped tightly in the blanket so he doesn’t move right away. He can’t see anything from his fortress of blankets and his pillow. He feels Deans leg with his foot and smiles. He is thinking about their plans for the day when he hears a small whimper next to him. He freezes and listens. There is another whimper followed by some mumbling that sounds an awful lot like his name. Cas finally moves to sit up, resting on his elbow, and sees Dean who lays on his stomach. He is only partially cover by the blankets, what can Cas say he is a blanket hog, and his face is scrunched up as if in pain. He has his hands tightly fisted into the pillows and if Castiel isn’t mistaken, it looks like he is crying.

“CAS!” Dean hollers, startling Castiel. Castiel grabs the other man’s shoulder and begins to shake him.

“Dean, wake up.” He says. Dean groans and shifts, hiding his face in the pillow. He pulls his hand away. It is silent in the room for a moment.

“Dean?” Cas says quietly. Dean turns his face so its facing away from Cas.

“Yea?” He mumbles.

“Are you alright?” Cas asks, putting his hand on his shoulder again, wanting to do more to comfort the other man.

“Just had a bad dream.” He says quietly, taking a shuddering breath.

“I didn’t ask that,” Cas says in a gentle voice. “I asked if you were alright.” He doesn’t answer Cas, he just lifts his hand up and rubs his eyes.

“Dean,” Cas says just above a whisper. Dean turns his head towards him but doesn’t looks at Cas. His eyes are red, making his iris’s impossibly greener. His cheeks are tear stained and his lips are in a tight line. It’s enough of an answer for Cas. Cas shifts the blankets so that they cover Dean too, and lays so that he is level with Dean and can look him in the eyes.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. Just know that I am here if you need to talk ok?” Castiel watches Deans eyes get glassy and he shuts them before any more tears can fall. He nods. Cas and Dean lay in bed for a while, Dean with his eyes shut, and Cas examining every feature of Deans face from the way his long eye lashes rest on his face or his little hint of stubble or the way his lips are slightly parted or the freckles that he has. He is in the middle of counting them when Dean opens his eyes. They just look at each other neither of them saying anything for a few moments. Cas smiles softly at him.

“Morning.” Cas says and before he realizes what he is doing, before he can stop himself, he reaches out and puts his hand on Deans cheek. Deans eyes go wide for a moment and Castiel feels dreed rise in his throat. But Dean doesn’t move to push his hand away, so Cas doesn’t pull back either. They stay like this, Cas running his thumb along Deans cheekbone and feeling the stubble under his hand, and Dean watching him with a strange look in his eyes. After a few moments like this Castiel feel a bit braver when Dean still doesn’t push his hand away and he moves his hand around to his neck and up through his hair. Cas cards his fingers through the short dirty blonde hair, that is surprisingly soft, Dean sighing in content and closing his eyes. He shifts a bit closer to give Cas better access and Castiel smiles.

“I don’t want you to leave me too, sweetheart.” Dean whispers. Cas’s hand faults for a moment, before he continues massaging Deans head.

“I’m not going anywhere Dean. What makes you think I would want too?”

“Everyone always leaves when they get disappointed with me.”

“Well, I could never be disappointed with you so you never have to worry about me leaving.” He says in a small, soft voice. Dean doesn’t respond.

“Dean, look at me.” Cas says. He doesn’t move to look at him. Castiel tugs gently at the man’s hair.

“Hey,” he says softly. Dean opens his eyes and looks at him.

“I—” _love you._ Cas doesn’t know how to say the words. He hasn’t known Dean that long but he has never been so sure of something in his life. He is in love with this beautifully fractured man but for some reasons the words would not leave his lips. Perhaps it was fear of being rejected. As he looked into the other man’s eyes, he sees something he doesn’t recognize there, something hopeful and needing, he realizes he needs to say something. Deans eyes fall, and that look melts away, transforming into something hollow and fearful, the same fear of being rejected that Castiel had felt moments before. After all Dean was attracted to women, how could he ever want Castiel in the same way?

“Dean,” Cas starts, his hand moves from the man’s hair back to his cheek and decides that telling Dean what was on his mind when he had fallen silent is the best option. “I know that it hasn’t been that long since I first met you that night at the bar, but I do know that I care about you immensely. I have never been good at opening up to people and making friends because my people skills are rusty. But with you,” Cas pauses and looks away from Deans eyes “It is easy. It is as if I have known you forever. And each day that I get to know you better, I realizes how impossible life seems without you and how much I need you in my life. You are my best friend Dean.” Cas swallows deeply before continuing. “And I would not trade you for anyone or anything in the world.” _There._ He told Dean the extent of his feelings without dropping the big _I love you_. Dean looks into the azure haven, and a small smile barely tugs the corners of his lips. He doesn’t say anything, and Castiel isn’t sure if Dean believes him or not. Deans hand comes up and rests on top of Castiels, his fingers wrapping around the base of Castiels thumb and Deans thumb gently caressing the back of his hand. Deans eyes close and they stay like this, in a content quiet that neither of them seem to mind.

* * *

Dean loves how Castiels hands feel against his skin. Warm but not hot, gentle and caring yet firm and strong, soft yet callused. The perfect combination of everything, in Deans opinion. And when he carded his curious fingers through Deans hair, tentatively massaging his scalp? Dean inwardly rejoiced at the small affectionate gesture, concealing the moan that he so desperately wanted to let out, enjoying ever pass through his short hair with Cas’s diligent fingers. Physical affection and even verbal affection were not something Dean understood; it always tended to make him uncomfortable and unsure how to act. He didn’t exactly grow up in a loving house hold so he always felt he just didn’t deserve it. And while he still felt he didn’t deserve it, he had come to enjoy it when he so rarely received it. It was the little things that made him happy; the hand holding, the gentle caresses, the pulling of his hair, the kisses on his lips and skin. While he hadn’t explored all of these with Castiel, he was sure that if it ever did come to that, that it would be absolutely amazing because what he had received as of now was perfect in and of itself. With Lisa, it was all about the sex but not the lovey dovey stuff; whenever Dean tried to initiate that kind of stuff it always seemed to piss her off, so eventually Dean stopped trying, which also seemed to piss her off. He never won with that women. Everything he did seemed to piss her off and while he didn’t always notice it before, Dean was starting to see just how bad things were between them. A small part of him thought that at some point in time they were happy but now? Dean had no idea. Things with Lisa never felt like they did with Cas. Cas liked the little things, or at least Dean thought he did. Cas always made sure Dean was okay. Cas wanted to touch Dean, and wasn’t repulsed by him and the way he was. Cas actually cared about him and it made his stomach do those hot flips and his heart swell. Dean is lost in thought for so long that when he opens his eyes Cas is smiling at him. He gives the other man’s hand a squeeze. He thinks of something to say.

“We should probably get dressed if we want to go to Glacier today sweetheart,” Dean says in hushed voice. “It’s about an hour’s drive from here.”

“Alright you can take the bathroom first… Deanie-weanie.” Dean lets out a loud burst of laughter, surprising them both.

“Deanie-weanie?” He smiles and roles onto his back and stretches.

“Well, you have all these nicknames for me, I am trying to think of one for you.” Cas smiles at him as he gets out of the bed. And goes over to his bag and starts digging through his stuff.

“Alright, this should be interesting.” Dean was thankful that their moment had passed and that they moved on to something lighter and easier to discuss. Dean stands and goes over to his bag, pulling out a dark blue flannel, black tee shirt, and a pair of jeans, along with socks and underwear.

“Sweetie-pie?” Cas says. Dean chuckles and heads to the bathroom.

* * *

By the time that Cas comes out of the bathroom, Dean has his boots on, a thermos of hot cSueoffee and one of Cas’s tea, a bag with a few things to eat, Castiels book, and his phone, keys and wallet. Dean is slipping into his jacket when he hears Cas approaching.

“Okay so I got food and drinks, my phone, and your book. Anything else you can think of us needing?” Dean looks up to see Cas in a white button up flannel and dark jeans. He is pulling on a thin red hoodie as he walks over to meet Dean.

“Maybe a blanket? Just to be safe.” Cas says as he stops in front of Dean.

“Good idea.” Dean grabs the Carhartt off the hook and hands it to Castiel, who smiles bashfully and accepts the garment, before going to grab the blanket from the room. He shoves it into the bag along with all the other stuff and walks back out to meet Cas.

“Ready?” Dean says looking at Cas.

“Sure thing sugar.” Cas says proudly with a smile. Dean smiles and crinkles his nose as he walks over to the door.

“You don’t like that one? I was so proud of that one and though for sure that it would be the one.” Cas says looking a little sad, but still smiling.

“No, it’s great, I like it better that sweetie pie and what was it, Deanie-weanie?” Dean laughs as the head out the door for their adventure.


	15. The Lake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, hope you enjoy the new chapter, even the little bit at the end... dont hate me ok? If there are any small details, like flowers or something, you want me to add in, leave a comment. I like a challenge:)

When Dean had read about this place online he knew it was the place he was supposed to take Cas. The name was sign enough. He knew it wasn’t going to be easy to get to in the middle of winter, but they didn’t need to stay long, and the forecast said no storms on the horizon. So they were in luck. The drive flew by, with the help of Zeppelin, Metallica, and the smattering of others, and Cas and Deans off-key singing. But they didn’t just sing, they talked about Castiel’s childhood and Dean told Cas about a time when John was nowhere to be found so he took the Impala and took Sammy, who was maybe 8 or 9 at the time, into a field where they watched fireworks and how it was one of his favorite childhood memories. They talked about Castiel’s love for animals and about Deans hate for pigeons and before they knew it, it was time to get out and go find the lake that he was excited to show Cas. They parked near a trailhead, the mix of aspens, and Douglas firs, and pines making for a sight almost as great as Castiel. In the distance, there is a view of the mountains as well.

“So where exactly are you taking me?” Cas asked as they got out of Deans baby.

“Somewhere that reminds me of you.” Dean smiled at Cas. He was hoping that the lake wasn’t frozen. Cas gave Dean the deadpan stare that Dean was growing accustomed to. He laughed, and they started walking down the trail, the trees surrounding them. They walked in silence for a few moments.

“So, what do we have going on after this?” Cas asked.

“I don’t know, depends on what time we get back,” Dean pulls out his phone to check the time. “it’s only 11 so depending on how long we stay here, we should have a good amount of time left.”

Cas watched the ground as they went down the trail, careful not to slip in the snow. He looked lost in deep thought, beautiful blue eyes searching the ground for answers as if the earth would open up and tell him what he wanted to know.

“What’s on your mind sweetheart? Looks like you are trying to figure out the meaning of life.” Dean watched Castiel look up at him, then back to the ground, less distant.

“I guess I am trying to figure life out. I am thinking about the bar, about my brothers and parent, and about you and I.” Deans heart flutters at how Cas blocked them together, and it made him curious as to what about them he was thinking so hard on.

“The view is great here,” Castiel adds and avoids looking at Dean. Dean doesn’t know if it’s from the cold, but he thinks Cas might even be blushing a bit.

“What do you mean you and—” Deans phone cuts him off, mentally punching whoever is calling him right now as he rips his phone from his pocket. He doesn’t check to see who it is when he answers.

“What.” He says feeling anger bubble up at how every time he and Cas start to have a moment his damn phone rings. The person mumbles something Dean can’t make out and hangs up. Dean pulls the phone away from his ear and looks at the number on the screen; it’s a number he doesn’t recognize. He puts his phone back into his pocket.

“Wrong number?” Cas asks, looking out at the mountains in the distance, the trees, the ground, anywhere but at Dean. Dean keeps quiet, hoping to catch Castiel’s eye. Cas watches his feet step after step, the silence carrying on, his face a calm unreadable mask. Dean looks out at the trail ahead of them and sees that the there is a break in the trees and they must be close to the lake. He decides to keep quiet, let Cas be the first to speak up. They walk in the fresh morning air, cool and refreshing, the sun warming Dean. He looks at the dirt and rock path beneath his feet, with the light dusting of snow, and the banks full of it on either side of the path, as if they pushed it from the trail itself. It makes Dean want to build a snowman, maybe later he will. They walk in silence until the trees are about to open up at the lake. The trail ends in a small clearing with another, steeper trail down towards the lake. The view from where they are is of the snow-capped mountains huddled around a calm pure blue lake that is just as pretty as the pictures Dean found online. Around the edges are more trees, and an open field; everything is dusted with snow. Thankfully the lake is not frozen, but Dean guesses it still would have been pretty. Dean looks over to see Castiel smiling at the view, that somehow Dean has forgotten.

“It’s called Cobalt Lake.” _Just like the color of your eyes,_ Dean thinks but doesn’t say because God would that be cheesy.

“It’s beautiful,” Cas says in a quiet voice. His wonder-filled eyes search the view, looking at every detail around them as if trying to memorize them. Dean silently pulls out his phone and takes a picture of Castiel, the shutter startling them both and Dean blushes turning to take more pictures of the view.

“Will you take a picture with me?” Dean asks feeling awkward, the blush burning his cheeks as he looks at his phone. Castiel laughs.

“Of course I will Dean,” Castiel steps closer sliding his hand up Deans back. Dean looks at him when Castiel’s hand stops between his shoulder blades. Cas smiles and takes the phone from Dean holding it up and snapping a picture while Dean is still watching Castiel. It was the man’s smile that stopped Dean from looking at the camera, it was perfect.

“Dean,” Castiel said, the smile evident in his voice. “cameras over here.” Their eyes locked, and Dean cleared his throat, and slid his hand around Castiel’s waist, pulling him in closer.

“Right,” He mumbles looking at the camera. They smile, leaning in close to each other, the sides of their heads touching. Cas snaps the picture. They stand there for a moment, enjoying the feeling of each other’s hands, neither of them making a move to pull away. Dean notices something in the air between them, something he can’t name, and he wonders if Castiel can feel it too.

* * *

“Will you take a picture with me?” Dean asks him, like Castiel would, for some reason, say no. It made him wonder how many times, and how many people, had rejected this man. And that is what drove him to slip his hand up his leather-clad back to his strong shoulders that Castiel loved. He laughed at the adorable blush that Dean was rocking at the moment as well. He loved Deans shy side.

“Of course I will Dean,” _I would do anything for you,_ Cas thought. He moved closer and takes the phone from the man who is watching him with a loving look, that made Castiel’s heart flop in his chest. He smiles wide and takes a picture hoping it turns out so that he can have Dean send it to him.

“Dean, cameras over here,” he says shaking the phone, still smiling. He looks over at Dean, and their eyes latch on to each other for a moment before Dean clears his throat.

“Right.” Dean mumbles and his callused hand finds it way around Castiel’s waist, pulling him in closer and Castiel doesn’t know whether to be angry at the butterflies in his stomach or to be scared at how a simple touch makes him feel inside. They both smile and lean in impossibly closer to each other. Castiel takes the picture, the air filled with a thick wanting that Castiel couldn’t deny even if he wanted to. They stand there for what feels like hours until till Dean clears his throat.

“It is getting kinda chilly. Want to head back, sweetheart?” He says, not taking his arm off Castiel. Castiel takes a few pictures of the lake, the mountains, the trees, and Dean, who is, in the picture, looking majestic. Castiel hands the phone back to Dean, and smiles.

“Ready?” Dean asks. Cas smiles and nods. Dean keeps his hand around Castiel’s waist as they head down the trail again, so Cas slips his arm up around the man’s shoulders.

“Can you believe we only have two more days?” Dean asks looking around with an almost sad look on his face.

“No, this trip has gone too fast. I wish we didn’t have to go back.” Cas leans his head on Deans shoulder. He could not believe it was Wednesday.

“Me too,” Dean says in a small voice.

“Thank you again for taking me, Dean. I appreciate it and have had fun.” Cas has enjoyed spending this time with Dean, he felt they have learned a lot about each other and have grown closer. He has particularly enjoyed sharing a bed with Dean, but he wasn’t about to say that; he didn’t want to scare Dean away.

“Anything for you sweetheart. I’m glad you are having fun.” Dean gives Castiel’s waist a squeeze, and Cas’s heart flop again. Castiel can see the car now and is sad that Dean is going to let go of him. They walk in silence the rest of the way to the car; when they get there, Dean opens the door for Cas and reluctantly let’s go of him to go around to his side and get in. Cas slides in and closes his door, shivering a little. Dean slides in and looks over at Cas, who has tucked his hands in between his hoodie and flannel.

“Are you cold sweetheart?” Dean asked looking worried.

“A little.” Cas smiled at Dean. Dean reached into the back seat grabbing the bag he brought. He grabbed the thermos with the tea and passed it to Cas, along with the blanket and his book.

“Get cozy, I will turn on the heater.” Cas accepted the things Dean handed him gratefully.

“Thank you.” He smiled, and covered his lap with the blanket, and took a sip of his tea. Dean started the car, turning up the heater, and grabbed the second thermos pouring himself some coffee as well before he put the car in drive and they started back to the cabin.

* * *

“And so then Sammy and I got on a plane, and went to visit our friend Fergus, we call him Crowley, in Ireland when Sammy graduated high school and found out that he lived with Rowena, his mother, and she ended up showing us all the hot spots around there. And that is the first time I remember Sammy getting absolutely shit faced, you know, to the point where you can hardly walk anymore,” Dean smiled at the road as the approached the turn off for the cabin. “And all because of a bet that Sammy could get a 4.0 and be the valedictorian of his class.” Dean shakes his head. Cas feels his smile hurting his cheeks now, loving to listen to Dean talk about Sammy, and see the way his face lights up at how proud he is of him.

“He seems like a smart kid. I wonder how he and Jess are doing at her parents.” Cas asked.

“They are good. Sammy said that Jessica’s parents are really nice, and welcomed him like another member of the family. He also said he got lost in their house it is so big and Jess’s mother was the one that found him and helped him find his way around. They have a nice property and Jess and Sam went horseback riding, blah blah blah. Long story short they are having the time of their lives.” Dean said.

“When did you talk to Sam? The only person I have seen you talk too was Bobby.” Castiel inquired. He had no clue when Dean would have had a chance to talk on the phone, Cas woke up before him and they spent their days together.

“He texts me every day, and I called whenever you were in the shower to check in.”

“You guys talk every day even when you don’t see each other every day, huh?” Cas said with a smile. Dean just scoffed.

“I think the only time we have gone without talking for more than a few days is one time, two or three months back, Sam got pissed because I was bailing John out of a gambling debt again, and Sammy didn’t want me too. We got in this really big fight and didn’t talk for three days before I finally called him, and we worked it out. It was a long three days though. And that was when things with Lisa weren’t that great, so it was even worse.” Dean looks grim as they park in front of the cabin. They get out of the car and meet in the middle in the front of the Impala, stopping when blue meets green.

“But those times are over, and I have moved on to much, much better times,” Dean says with a small smirk. Castiel smiled as Deans hand found its way around his waist yet again as they walked into the cabin. Man, could Castiel get used to this.

* * *

Lisa

 _One line. One line. Please let it be one line. This couldn’t happen to_ her _. She didn’t need this right now. She had everything going for her. An apartment of her own, no Dean Winchester holding her back anymore, a part time job as a yoga instructor, and a very fine, very rich man who liked to pay her way. And he was getting ready to leave his wife which was in her favor. Lisa paced in the bathroom waiting for the test to tell her what she needed to know. She checked the time; it was ready. She crossed her fingers and looked at the stick for answers, hoping to God that things would play out right for her because she didn’t need this burden and she didn’t deserve it. She flipped the stick over, looking for either one line, or the dreaded two._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again, So the lake I used in this chapter, Cobalt Lake, is a real lake in Glacier National Park, and you guys should go look it up because it is so pretty!!! hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	16. Do You Want to Build a SnowCas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! hope you enjoy this chapter! thanks best friend for proof reading this and looking for errors! i luhh you! Anyways, hope you guys like it!

Castiel woke to an empty bed; he rolled over, and for once, Dean was nowhere to be found. The bed felt wrong without Dean, and Castiel was already dreading going home because he and Dean would have to, once again, go to their separate rooms. He liked having Dean close, it made him feel warm and happy and going back home will mean returning to the same separate hectic schedules. Castiel sighed and sat up looking around the bright room, his eyes landing on the clock. 8:30. He was surprised and a little worried that Dean was up already, normally back home Dean wouldn’t get out of bed on his days off until damn near 11, that is if everyone in the house let him sleep. Cas slid out of bed, a shiver going up his spine when his feet hit the cold ground. He wrapped his arms around himself and went into the living room, only to find it empty. Cas noticed a steaming mug on the counter and walked toward it. He smelled his tea and smiled. Taking the mug, he inspected the room further. Deans boots and leather jacket were missing. He looked out the front window and found what he was looking for.

* * *

Dean rolled the snow to form the head of his snowman. The storm that unexpectedly hit when they got home left fresh snow, and when Dean woke up it was still lightly snowing. So, Dean concluded that it was the perfect time to build his long-awaited snowman. He had gotten up and dressed, and when he finished his morning routine he went out and made Cas a cup of tea before brewing a fresh pot of coffee for himself. After he gulped the steaming hot liquid, he barged out the door and dove into the fluffy white powder like a kid. And he didn’t even regret it. Dean picked up the ball of snow and set it on the others, smiling at how his snowman was coming along. Now to decorate it; Dean walked over to a tree with some low hanging branches and pulled two off for arms. He collected a small handful of stones before he trudged through the deep snow back to his snowman, and stuck on the arms. He used the stones to make a smile, before he reached into his pocket, and pulled out the produce he stole for his snowman’s face: 2 blueberries and a carrot. He put those on and stepped back to admire his handy work.

“It turned out cute.” Dean nearly peed his pants and he would never admit how high he jumped when he heard Castiel.

“Dammit Cas,” Dean looks down at the snow at his feet before turning around to face Castiel. Cas is in his grey sweats with that loose black tee-shirt that hangs in a way that it shows his collarbone that Dean wants more than anything to feel with his mouth. He has on his boots and the Carhartt Dean has practically given to him, and the cup of tea in his hands. His hair, oh god his hair, is a beautiful, indescribable mess that Dean loves and wants to run his fingers through. He has a small smirk on his face and his baby blues are shining with a mischief undertone.

“Yes?” He asked, all sass this morning, his smirk becoming more evident. Dean didn’t know how to respond to that he just watched Castiel sip his tea, finishing the last few drops and gingerly setting the mug down in the snow at his feet. He turned his attention back to Dean.

“Well Cas,” Dean took a small half step forward and bent down to the soft thick pile of snow before him, “That’s a shame that you had to scare me, cuz now I feel the need to get even.” Dean packed the snow into a ball and took another step.

“Dean, what are you doing?” Castiel’s eyes went wide but the mischievous smile never left his beautiful face.

“Getting,” Dean smirked and prepared himself to run to the big open field on the side of the cabin where there wasn’t baby or his Cas snowman to worry about, “Even!” He threw the snowball hitting Castiel square in the chest and ran for the field of snow, Castiel close behind. He feels a snowball hit him in the back, so he stops to make a snowball himself. He turns and finds Castiel crouched down in the snow, scooping it up. Dean makes two throwing one, hitting Cas in the shoulder. Cas throws one hitting Dean on his collarbone. This goes on for a few minutes before Dean gets an even better idea. When Castiel isn’t paying attention to Dean, he runs over and tackles Castiel into a deep embankment of snow; Cas yelps when Dean makes contact and they end up sinking down a foot into the snow, giggling like children. Dean is fully on top of Cas, one of his hands on Castiel’s hip, the other above the man’s head so he isn’t completely crushing him. Castiel is still laughing, a big smile lighting up his face, and his dark hair has flecks of snow in it. His eyes seem to glow with excitement and adrenaline. His black shirt is wet from the snow and Castiel’s hands are on Dean’s hips. Their faces are only inches apart, and if Dean moved his arm a tiny bit, he would dip down and their lips would meet. Castiel stops laughing, maybe he realized how close they are too, and they look into each other’s eyes. Dean, on instinct, licks his lips and Castiel’s eyes drop to watch, his own lips parting. The air turns electric around them. Cas moves a bit like he is going to kiss him, slowly getting closer, Castiel is going to kiss Dean, and Dean thinks of Lisa. He thinks of all the ways he could mess things up with Castiel, and that is the last thing he wants. Dean panics and turns his head away from Castiel, and closes his eyes. Dean hears a thud in the snow, and opens his eyes; Cas dropped his head back in the snow and closed his eyes. A shiver runs through Dean.

“I’m sorry Dean, I shouldn’t have—” Cas cuts himself off. Dean can see that Cas is shaking. Dean pushes himself up so that he is on his knees between Castiel’s legs.

“No, I am sorry Cas. I shouldn’t have tackled you into the snow.” Dean looks down and the sopping wet man, whose legs he sits between, and wishes the circumstances are different. He wishes he wasn’t so afraid to let Castiel in. Cas opens his eyes and looks miserable as a shiver passes through his whole body. Dean grabs his hands, which feel like popsicles, and stands before pulling Cas to his feet.

“Come on, it’s freezing, let’s go warm up before we get hypothermia.” Dean releases one of Castiel’s hands but holds on to the other. Castiel’s teeth chatter as they walk to the door in silence. When they get to the door, Dean slips off his jacket, his red, blue, and yellow flannel, and pulls his boots off. Castiel watches him quizzically. Dean is working on his second boot when he notices Cas, with his eyes squinted and his head tilted. He laughs, as he pulls off his sock.

“I don’t want to get water all over the floor,” Dean pauses as he almost falls getting his other boot off. “so, I am stripping down.” He finishes with a wink, dropping the boot and the wet sock with a splat. Cas just smirks, slipping off the Carhartt before pulling his tee shirt over his head, revealing the tanned skin of his toned chest. _Two can play this game_ Dean thinks as he straightens up and pulls off his grey shirt as well. Cas ogles his broad shoulders and collar bones, slowly, and shamelessly, making his way down Dean’s chest. Deans hands go to the button of his jeans, then slowly he unzips his pants. Castiel’s wide eyes snap up to meet Deans. Dean smirks at him and pulls his pants down past his hips, letting them drop to the floor. Castiel’s cheeks turn red but his eyes never leave Deans.

“I guess it is a good thing Rufus doesn’t have neighbors because this is starting to look like a porno,” Castiel says in a monotone. Dean throws his head back with laughter his whole body shaking. Cas smirks.

“We should probably go inside just to be safe,” Dean says smiling. He steps out of his jeans and opens the door. Castiel grabs his mug and slips his boots, socks and sweats off following behind Dean. Dean walks over to the fireplace and puts another log in.

“Hey Cas?” Dean says quietly.

“Yes Dean?”

“Can, can I see your tattoo?” He walks over running his hands through his hair. Cas smiles. He puts his hands out in a welcoming gesture and spins around slowly, his back now to Dean. Dean gasps looking at the realistic wings that extend almost to the line of his boxers with excruciating detail. The feathers look so realistic that Dean feels like he can reach out and grab one. Dean didn’t realize that he had reached out and was running his hand over Castiel’s shoulder blades. A shiver runs through Castiel, and he gets goosebumps over his arms and legs. Dean’s hand is in the middle of Castiel’s back, getting lower slowly, when Castiel lets out a low moan that goes down south for Dean.

“God, Castiel you are so beautiful.” Castiel's body trembles and he spins around to face Dean, his eyes blown wide with hope and lust. Dean’s hand rests on Castiel’s waist now, and they are so close again that Dean can see Castiel’s thick full eyelashes. Dean looks into the blue eyes, the color matching a sapphire or azure or maybe a mix of both. They watch each other, sharing the same air. Cas looks at Dean’s lips before speaking.

“I, uh, I am going to go take a shower I am frozen.” Castiel’s eyes don’t leave Dean’s lips even as he takes a small step back and Dean’s hand falls from his waist. He smirks and backs up a few steps before turning and sauntering off to the bedroom to grab his bag. Dean stays in place until Castiel ends up in the bathroom. He walks over to the room and digs out his sweats and a tee shirt, deciding that he is going to shower after Castiel. He goes out and sets them on a chair before going grabbing their wet clothes and starting a load of laundry; he wanders back to the living room, Cas on his mind, and sits by the fire to think and warm the chill running through him.

* * *

Welp, Castiel didn’t think he could feel more rejected. He knew he shouldn’t have tried to kiss Dean, but he thought Dean wanted it too so that’s what drove him to lean in. But then, something changed; he saw the flash of panic in Dean’s eyes before he turned away. Castiel wanted to ask him about it, but his pride couldn’t take another hit so he let it go. Cas was ok with that, he should’ve known better than to try to kiss Dean, but then, after, he stripped down to nothing but his underwear and waltzed inside like nothing happened and asked to see Castiel’s tattoo. He was confused, and that’s why he went to take a shower. That and he was frozen to the bone. Castiel wished he didn’t want Dean; knowing that you loved someone you couldn’t have hurt. The stinging in his heart moved up to his eyes as he turned on the shower. He swiped angrily at his tears before stepping into the shower to wash away the looming cold.


	17. On The Road so Far

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, Happy New Year! I apologize for the amount of time it took me to publish this, its been ready, I just had to proof read and have my friend proof read, and that felt impossible in the time since I last posted. My world has exploded into chaos and I am struggling to get a grip. But I will eventually, and my New years resolution was to finish this story for you guys and post 1+ chapters a month! I hope you guys like this chapter, and whats at the very end(dont kill me) ;)

The last day went by in a blur. After they both showered, they ran to the store to get a few things, then went back home to pack up what they could. When they finished that, they watched a couple movies and made dinner before heading off to bed together. Dean set his alarm for midnight, so they could start their long journey back home. Dean was sad that they were leaving, and that he would be spending all of Christmas day driving. When the alarm went off they got up and packed the last of their things into baby’s trunk, and double checked the cabin for things they may have left behind. Cas was standing by the door looking glum when Dean came out from the bedroom.

“Ok, I think we got everything,” Dean walked over toward Castiel, who was rubbing his hands on his thighs and looking around the cabin. “You all set?” Cas nodded, and reached for the door. Dean had told him to stay comfortable for the drive so Cas wore his sweats and a deep navy-blue tee-shirt that made his eyes look bright. He had a black hoodie in hand. Cas walked out into the cold December morning, Dean following close behind, locking up the door until next time.

* * *

Castiel had been quiet since the snow incident, and Dean was starting to think he fucked up. After the first hour of tense silence, he thought maybe Cas was just tired from lack of sleep. After three hours, still nothing, Dean had his answer. He waited another hour before he turned up the music to distract himself. He knew he would fuck this up either way. Kiss Castiel, again, and ruin what they have now or not kiss Castiel and still ruin what they have. He couldn’t win, no matter what he did; he worried that he may have hurt Castiel’s feelings when he turned his head away, but he didn’t know how to bring it up to apologize. _Hey Cas, sorry I didn’t kiss you in the snow, I just panicked that I was going to fuck things up like I did by not kissing you, and I thought of my ex-wife and how if I disappointed her, I would sure as hell disappoint you?_ Yes, that sounded great Winchester. He didn’t know what to do, or how to fix things. Then Dean thought: What if it had been Cas to turn his head away when Dean tried to kiss him? That would feel like absolute shit. He bet Cas was feeling rather rejected right now, and Dean kinda wanted to throw up knowing he may have made Castiel feel that way. He wished this was all easier, that he could just admit his feelings, but at the same time, he didn’t want to tell him. Because that would change things between them, and Dean liked where they were at the moment. He wasn’t ready for another relationship. Not yet, not after Lisa… was he? He didn’t feel ready, not all the way at least. He knew that he wanted Cas, he was amazing in every way, but what if Castiel changed his mind and wanted his rich fuck buddy? Dean could not go through that again, especially with someone as great as Castiel. He didn’t realize how tense he was until Cas finally spoke.

“You okay?” Cas asked looking over at Dean, who jumped when Cas spoke. Dean just nodded. Cas nodded in return and continued to watch Dean. _You should say something Dean, break the tension._

“I—” _am sad we are leaving? Am excited to get home? Am sorry for the snow? Want to kiss it all better?_ Deans grip on the wheel tightened, and Cas watched him expectantly. Somewhere in the background, Metallica started to play, but for once it wasn’t calming his screaming nerves. Dean felt like he had marbles in his throat. He looked over at Cas and could see it on his face; the look of someone who has had their feelings hurt. Dean didn’t realize he let out a whimper until it was too late.

“I’m sorry Cas.” Dean looked at the long road ahead of them, now avoiding making eye contact with the man next to him. He wasn’t saying anything, so Dean continued.

“For yesterday. In the snow. For not—” Dean swallowed the lump in his throat, and taking a deep breath, “It wasn’t you Cas. Trust me, I wanted it too, I just can’t. Not when you are so freaking amazing, and beautiful, and patient with me and I am still a wreck. I can’t do this when all I want to see is you, but she comes to mind. It’s not fair and you deserve so much better than that than me Cas.” Dean tightens his grip on the wheel and thinks about the ache in his skull. He could feel Castiel watching him.

“I am sorry I disappointed you again, that seems to be all I can do with everyone I know. I wish I knew how to do this,” Dean waved his hand between them, “without screwing things up. It’s like I know what I want, but it is impossible to do because I see her and how I failed, and I know I don’t want to feel that again you know?” _Holy shit, Dean Winchester just did feelings._ Cas sighed.

“I am sorry too. And you didn’t disappoint me, Dean. You just got out of a serious relationship, and I was moving too fast when I know you are still hurting, so I am sorry for that. I shouldn’t have pushed you, I just—I care about you, Dean. I want you to know that.” Cas said quietly. Dean worked on swallowing the lump in his throat.

“I know Cas. And I care about you too. I guess I just get scared that if I let my self feel these things again, that you will see that I am not worth all this trouble. That you’ll see that I can’t give you extravagant things like your—like he can.”

Castiel let out a long sigh.

“I thought you knew me a little better than that by now,” Cas sounded disappointed; Dean was too afraid to see the look on his face. “That’s not what I am looking for Dean. I have had my fair share of extravagant, and it’s not what I want. What I want is someone to spend my time with. Someone kind, and caring, and down to earth. I want someone who I can watch movies with or cook with in my kitchen, somebody I can joke with or have a serious conversation with. I want, I—” Castiel shifted and rubbed his hands on his thighs.

“You want a relationship.” Dean finished for him. Cas looked back over at him.

“I will be here for you, no matter what, even if you want me as nothing more than as a friend, ok?” Cas added, a defeated look on his face.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you Cas,” Dean said quietly “and if there is one thing I know for sure in my shit show of a life, it’s that I want you as more than a friend. I just,” Just what? Dean thought for a moment, “I need to figure out how to be me again. I feel broken, and out of place and it would be unfair of me to drag you into my mess of a life while I am barely hanging on, you know? I guess what I am asking for is a little bit of time if you’d be willing to wait for me.” Dean didn’t hold on to hope. Why would he want to wait for him, after hurting him in the snow the other day? Dean brought his hand up to run his fingers through his hair. He flinched when he felt Castiel’s hand on his elbow. Dean looked over at him, Cas had a soft smile on his lips and a sincere look in his eyes. He grabbed Deans hand and gave it a squeeze.

“I will give you all the time you need, and if you do decide that you want this,” Cas punctuated his thought by squeezing Deans hand again, “I will be here waiting.”

_* * *_

_Lisa_

_Three days before Christmas._

_She wanted to puke, and she almost laughed at the thought that it could very well be morning sickness. She needed to talk to Al right now. She grabbed her cell to text him_

_L: You busy? Wanna grab lunch?_

_A: Sure thing baby. Give me 30 minutes and meet me at Babbs?_

_L: k_


	18. Home Sweet Home

Dean could’ve cried when he turned down Castiel’s driveway on December 27th, a snowstorm delaying their return by two whole days.

“Thank god, I didn’t think we were ever going to make it back,” Dean says and Castiel laughs.

“You and me both.” They make it to the end of the driveway and pull into Deans spot. The tension between them lingered but wasn’t what it was when they had first left the cabin thankfully; now, it was just an awkwardness from having a few in-depth discussions in those hotel rooms and when they first got on the road and then being stuck in a car together for hours on end. It’s not every day that Dean talks about his feelings, admitting his fears and everything, let alone in a confined space that he can’t escape from. They hop out of the car and stretch their legs, Dean groaning when his back makes a popping sound, and meets Cas by the trunk.

“I vote that we go shower and eat something and come back for the bags later,” Castiel says with his hands behind his back in a stretch that makes his shirt go tight over his chest.

“I was thinking the same thing.” Dean smiles, and they walk together toward the house. They walk in, the feeling of home washing over them for a second before Castiel heads up the stairs.

“I am going to the bathroom, I will be right back and we can figure out some food.” Dean nods even though Castiel is already halfway up the stairs and can’t see him, and heads for the kitchen, stopping in the doorway when he sees an unfamiliar face.

“Uh, who are you?” Dean asks. The man who sits atop the island, in the same spot where Dean often finds Castiel late at night, is wearing a black button up shirt with a green army jacket and jeans. He is wearing two different socks, one with what looks like bananas all over it, the other covered in colorful polka dots. His eyes, the color somewhere between whiskey and coffee, hold a mischievous smirk that makes Dean think that he is up to no good. In one hand he holds a bag containing a loaf of sliced bread, and the other holds a slice of said bread, which he is casually munching on. Everything about this man amuses and confuses Dean.

“Gabriel,” He shoves the entire slice into his mouth before choking out, “And you are?”

“Dean.” He doesn’t know what else to say, so he silently watches the man shove two more slices of bread into his mouth. He somehow manages not to choke.

“So Deano, do you live here or are you another one of Castiel’s,” he smirks evilly at Dean, “friends.”

“I live here,” Dean doesn’t want to think too hard about the emphasis that Gabriel put on ‘friends’.

“Shame,” he takes another bite of bread, “You’re a pretty one, and you seem manlier than the last one I met. I am always telling Castiel he needs a manly man.” Deans cheeks heat and before he has a chance to retort, Cas walks in stopping next to Dean, his eyes going wide in surprise.

“Gabe, what are you doing here?” Cas sounds surprised and looks at Dean, who quickly looks down.

“He is shy too! Baby brother, he is perfect for you! Take him upstairs right now and—”

“Gabriel.” Castiel fiercely blushes and looks weary.

“What its true! You guys will make a beautiful couple too.” Gabe smirks and Dean smiles.

“Gabe, why are you here.”

“What, I am not allowed to stop in and check on my favorite baby brother every now and then?”

“Gabriel I am your only baby brother. You don’t even live in Kansas anymore, you can’t exactly ‘drop in’. Where is your car, I didn’t see it out front?” Cas walks over and sits on one of the stools. Dean stays put enjoying watching the exchange.

“It is no longer in my possession.” For the first time since Dean has walked into the kitchen, he sees Gabriel’s constant smirk waver.

“What?” Cas’s head jerks up.

“I have decided I no longer want a vehicle, I want to pollute less. Plus, I lost it in a bet with one of my students and you know I am a man of my word brother.”

Dean laughs, and they acknowledge his presence again. Cas does his trademark tiny smile that is not really a smile, but his eyes are totally smiling. They stare at each other.

“Don’t encourage him, Dean.” Cas says sounding firm, but the smile remains in his eyes.

“So, you just gave one of your students your car? I need to know what this bet was.” Dean walked over and sat down next to Cas, their knees touching.

“Alright this is a long story so listen up,” Gabe shifts so that he is facing them better, “So, one of my students named Gwen comes into class and tells me that she has tickets for the Chief’s game on Christmas day right? And she is talking to some of her friends about how she will definitely be on the big screen, and that it’ll be on national TV, and I tell her that those chances are pretty small, and well things get pretty intense, right? So, we are arguing, and she is like ‘if I am not on TV you can give me an F and I will personally write you an apology letter and you can tell everyone I was wrong’ and this kid really grinds my gears so that sounded pretty sweet. She is my least favorite student, in all my years of teaching so I was drawn in by the thought of her being embarrassed. So, I agree and ask what she wants in return if she wins the bet, and she looks at me for a while before she gives me this evil grin and tells me she wants my car. I was so blinded by her humiliation that I accepted without much thought. So, this was all about a month before Christmas, and I almost forgot about it until I get a text Christmas morning saying ‘hope you enjoy seeing me during the game professor’ and I knew it was that little shit,”

“Wait, why did one of your students have your number?” Castiel interrupts.

“All my students have my number, it’s in the syllabus,” Gabe says like this is common knowledge.

“Oh,” Cas pauses to look over at Dean smiles before he turns back to Gabe, “Carry on.”

“So I go about my day until the game comes on, and I am on the edge of my seat the entire game. We make it to the third quarter, and I am thinking I am gonna win this bet when all of the sudden that little shit appears on the screen! It’s panning across a row of fans and stops on her, and I kid you not she is holding a sign up that says ‘You owe me a car chief’ with their logo on it, and I almost shit a brick. I don’t think I have ever screamed louder. So I get up, turn the TV off, get into bed and watch some casa erotica to calm my nerves before passing out. I wake the next morning to a text from the little shit asking where she wants to meet to claim her new car, and so I tell her to just meet me at the Starbucks by campus and we meet up, I give the smug little monster the keys and leave before she has a chance to say anything. And that is how I lost my car.” Dean smiles and laughs and Castiel looks bemused, giving his brother a sideways glance.

“Please tell me you are kidding,” Castiel says in all his monotone glory.

“Yeah, though that would’ve been a pretty good story, right?”

Dean throws his head back in laughter and falls back a little, he didn’t realize he had been leaning forward. He glances at Cas when he finally gets his laughter under control; Cas is pinching the bridge of his nose and shaking his head. He is barely containing his smile and is squeezing his eyes shut. Deans smile widens. He glances up at Gabe next, who has a proud smile on his face as he looks between the two of them.

“So, if you didn’t give it to a student, where is your car, Gabriel?” Cas asks yet again.

“It’s broken. I took an uber here from the airport.” Gabe sets the bag of bread on the counter next to him.

“What’s wrong with it?” Dean asks watching Gabe.

“I have no clue, I am no mechanic.”

“Well, Dean happens to be one. What is wrong with it? Why is it,” Castiel holds up his hand and makes air quotes at his next word, “broken?”

“So he is a manly man,” Cas gives his brother a look that Gabriel decidedly ignores “It won’t start, and makes a ticking noise when I turn the key. It probably doesn’t help that the check engine light was on for about a month as well.” Now it is Deans turn to look disappointed. He sighs and shakes his head.

“Well for starters your battery is dead. Who knows what’s wrong with the engine. Call a tow truck to bring it into a shop.” Dean says.

“Eh, I will get around to it.”

They sit and chat for a little while longer before Cas stands and stretches. Dean avoids checking him out so that Gabe doesn’t say anything, Dean has a feeling that he will.

“I feel gross, so I am going to shower,” Cas says as he strides out of the kitchen.

“I feel that. I am going to go shower too.” Dean stands.

“Together?” Gabe waggles his eyebrows. Dean laughs and follows Cas down the hall to the stairs.

“I didn’t hear a no!” Gabe yells after them.

“So that’s your brother huh?” Dean says to Cas as they walk up the stairs together.

“That would be Gabriel.” Cas smiles.

“He is really something isn’t he?” Dean smirks at Cas who laughs.

“You have no idea,” Cas says as they make their way up the steps together in silence. They stop outside of their doors and lock eyes. Dean considers taking a step closer but slides his hands into his pockets instead. Castiel’s eyes drop to Deans lips and stay there as he clears his throat and speaks.

“Well, we made it home,” Cas says in a low voice.

“That we did,” Dean whispers.

“I owe you a hug, but I need to shower before I do.” Castiel’s eyes don’t budge and Deans tongue darts out to wet his lips unconsciously. They stay like this for a moment until the song “Pony” by Ginuwine starts to play. Dean glances back down the hallway to where he sees an arm reaching around the corner holding out a phone, where the song is playing from. He smirks and looks back at Cas, who is still examining Deans face with an intensity that makes Dean blush.

“Gabriel, do not make me come over there,” Castiel says in a deep, serious voice that Dean thinks is hot. The song stops playing and the sounds of footsteps and giggling are all they hear now. Castiel sighs and shakes his head and Dean laughs.

“Seriously though, take a steamy shower together. You guys never said no so that means you guys want to at least a tiny bit!” Gabe yells from what Dean assumes is the bottom of the stairs. Castiel sighs and steps back closer to his door. He doesn’t say anything, just waves before sliding into his room silently. Dean sighs and goes to his own room as well.

* * *

They all reconvene in the kitchen about 45 minutes later; Dean and Gabe are making grilled cheese sandwiches and soup when Castiel, the last to re-enter the kitchen, comes in. Dean admires Cas with his wet hair that still sticks up in some spots and dressed in a maroon colored shirt that makes his eyes pop and a pair of grey pajama pants. Dean notices that his face is flushed and is about to comment before Castiel asks how long Gabriel plans on staying.

“Not long, I have to be back to work January 15th, but I am going to Louisiana to meet some coworkers and was supposed to be there today but I wanted to see my baby brother first so I made a pit stop,” Gabe says. They all stand around the kitchen island, Castiel across from them, giving Dean a good vantage point to watch Cas.

“What do you want Gabe?” Cas says.

“What do you mean?” Gabe sounds offended.

“Why would you stop here if you didn’t want something?” Castiel crosses his arms over his chest.

“Well I wanted to see if you wanted to tag along, but I can see that you are,” Gabe smirks over at Dean, “busy.” Dean blushes.

“Why would you want to invite me?” Cas looks bewildered and annoyed.

“What I can’t enjoy my baby brothers company?” Gabe says in feigned innocents. Cas is not buying it tholugh and Gabriel sighs.

“Well I know you normally like to sulk around the Holidays, and I have a friend who is single and saw a picture of you on Facebook and was interested.” Gabe turns his back, so he is facing away from Castiel. He stirs the soup on the stove and Dean watches Cas put his hands on the counter and drop his head down.

“Ah, so that’s what you wanted. To set me up with another one of your creepy friends.” Castiel’s face is dark with anger. Gabe cringes and turns.

“Oh come on it couldn’t have been that bad. Victor is a…” he pauses to think, “honest guy.”

“The first thing he said after introducing himself was that if I wasn’t willing to ‘put out’ then we should just part ways,” Cas says standing up straight and crossing his arms over his chest. Dean bristles at his words and looks down at his feet. He had no right to be pissed, yet he was.

“See! Like I said, honest! He gets right to the point.”

“Gabriel, even if I wasn’t involved with Dean right now, I would rather get hit by a car before going on another one of your blind dates again.” Dean almost gets whiplash from how fast he looks up at Cas. They all go silent. Deans stomach turns to butterflies, and his face heats at Castiel’s words. They both look at Dean, Castiel in a questioning mortification and Gabriel in amused pleasure.

“Sooo! You guys have been getting busy!” Gabriel looks extremely pleased with himself and crosses his arms over his chest. Dean can’t make words, all he can do is stare at Cas helplessly.

“Gabe—”

“Oh was this suppose to be a secret? Am I the first to know? I am touched!” he puts his hand over his heart. Dean walks around the island to Castiel, who watches his every move.

“Yea,” Deans voice cracks and he clears his throat, “Cas here is taken, so don’t go setting him up on any more blind dates.” Dean doesn’t know what compelled him to say it but he felt he was helping Cas out, so he didn’t regret it. He stops next to Castiel and looks at Gabe.

“How sweet. He believes in Monogamy.” Gabe smirks and his little brother stays quiet. Nobody comments for a moment.

“Well our food is done, so I say we go watch some Golden Girls before I hit the road.” Gabe’s words bring Castiel back to the here and now.

“Wait you are leaving today?” he says.

“Yep. I have a flight to catch, my cab will be here in about 20 minutes.” he grabs his sandwich and his bowl of soup and leaves them standing there dumbfounded.

“Besides, it looks like you two have a lot to talk about.”

Indeed they did, that seemed to be the norm these days.     


	19. Goodbyes are the Hardest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yea i'm sorry bout this one guy...  
> ANGST WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
> I PUT MY WARNINGS IN THE TAGS 
> 
> but yay 2 chapters in one day right?

“Well baby brother, and baby brother’s hot mechanic, it’s been lovely,” Gabe says ruffling Castiel, then Deans hair like they were little kids. Both Dean and Cas were taller than Gabe, so it was awkward. Deans phone started to ring.

“It was great meeting you, Gabe.” Dean smiles at him before waving and stepping away to answer the phone and give the brothers some privacy.

“Hello?” Dean answers without checking the caller ID.

“Hey kid, did you guys make it back finally?” Its Bobby; his voice sounds strained.

“Yea we just got back and cleaned up,” Dean starts walking along the front of the house through the snow towards the trees.

“Good. About time you get your ass back, so you can get back to work.” Is what Bobby says but he really means ‘I am glad you made it home safely’. Dean smirks.

“How’s dad? Any updates on his condition?” Dean fills up with dread. Last time they spoke, John had yet to wake up.

“Whenever you have time, you should probably swing by the hospital. There have been some updates, but those should be in person.” Bobby sounds tired, and that worries Dean.

“Ok, I will go get ready then head that way, are you there already?” Dean asks, looking down at his sweatpants and his tee shirt.

“Yea I will meet you in the lobby.” They say their goodbyes and Dean starts walking back toward the house. He sees that Gabriel is gone and that Cas is leaning against the front door when he gets closer. He walks up to the other man. Dean feels distracted when he stops in front of Cas.

“Is everything okay?” Cas asks looking worried when he sees Deans face.

“I—” Dean clears his throat and shakes his head, “I need to go to the hospital. My dad—” His voice gives out. He stands there unable to make the words he wants to. Cas opens the front door; he says something, but Dean doesn’t hear him. He feels Castiel’s hand around his shoulders and he is being guided into the house. All he can think about is how the only kind of updates that should be in person is really bad news. What if something has happened and Dean—

“Dean.” Castiel is standing in front of him, leaning because Dean notices now that he is sitting in the kitchen, and his hands are gently squeezing Deans shoulders. He looks into the concerned blue eyes.

“Yea?” is all Dean can muster. The other man just stares at him.

“Do you need to change before I take you to the hospital?” Cas says in a stern voice. Dean wants to argue, to say he doesn’t need him to drive him, but his voice won’t work. He shakes his head and pulls out his keys looking at them.

“We can take my car.” Cas takes the keys gently and sets them on the counter and puts his hand into Deans. He pulls him up and towards the door.

* * *

Dean looks up from his lap and sees they are at the hospital. He is in Castiel’s car, and it makes him think back to when they first met. Dean looks over to see Cas watching him with a concerned gaze. He opens his door and steps out into the chilly air, and Dean copies the other man’s actions. Cas meets him by where Dean stands next to the car door.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Dean swallows the lump lodged in his throat and nods.

“Alright.” Cas puts his arm around his shoulders and guides him up the path to the front doors. They walk in silence and Dean notices that Castiel is tense beside him. Perhaps he doesn’t like hospitals either. They enter the front doors to a large waiting room where Dean sees Bobby sitting reading a magazine. Dean would laugh if the situation were different. Bobby looks up and sees them and walks over to greet them.

“Hey kid,” he pats Deans shoulder and looks at Castiel, whose arm still encases the older Winchester brother, “You must be Cas?” Bobby puts out his hand to shake. Cas takes it and nods.

“You must be Bobby,” Cas says. Dean is grateful they are both here, and finally meeting.

“We should probably head on up,” Bobby says look between the two of them. Dean nods and they follow Bobby to an elevator. Dean listens to the two of them make conversation, mostly about their Montana trip and about work. Bobby is excited that Castiel owns a bar and says he will have to swing by. They keep chatting even when the elevator comes to a stop and the doors open. They walk down a long plain hallway to a door close to the end. Dean realizes how quiet it is in here and his stomach twists painfully. They stop outside of a door, and Dean looks at Bobby, who is staring at him. He realizes he said something to Dean.

“What?” Dean asks in a low voice.

“Do you want to go in to see him? The doctor should be here in a little while.” Bobby repeats. Dean doesn’t know if he wants to go in, he just stands there for a moment.

“Do you want to go alone, or do you want me to come with you?” Cas says quietly. Dean wants to go alone but he also wants Castiel’s warm embrace as well to give him strength. He doesn’t answer. He steps towards the door and reaches for the handle. He pushes the door open and looks into the dimly lit room with only the faint ‘ _beep, beep, beep,’_ sound of the heart monitor in the background. He swallows the lump in his throat. He goes in and lets the door close behind him.

* * *

Dean doesn’t know how long he stands there, in the dark just inside of the doorway. He stares at the motionless body that is his father on the bed. The left side of his face is a deep purpley color and his lip is split. There are a few small burns on his face as well. His eyes are closed and his hands rest on either side of his body. His left arm is in a cast, and between the sleeve of his hospital gown and the cast, his arm is covered in a sickly pattern of bruises and burns. Dean doesn’t even want to know what else could be wrong, but he is sure the doctor will tell him all the gruesome details when he arrives. He looks at his father, how fragile and moribund he looks right now and a sob leaves his lips. He moves toward the bed and stands beside the man, and just looks. This is not his father, this man is _dying._ He doesn’t know what to say or do so he just stares with this overwhelming mix of dread and agony. Sure, they had their problems in the past but this was his _Dad._ He stands there not speaking because if he has to say goodbye he will lose his composure that he is just barely holding on to, and that’s what he does until he feels a warm hand on his shoulder and jumps. He turns to see Castiel, Bobby, and a young woman standing behind him. The woman steps forward and extends her hand.

“Hello, I am doctor Olivia Lowry, you must be Mr. Dean Winchester.” Dean takes her hand and nods.

“So, I am the one who is taking care of your father, and I have already talked to Mr. Singer here about your fathers condition…” she proceeds to tell him about how he is in a coma because of a lack of oxygen getting to his brain and how there were large amounts of swelling from the crash and that they are worried because it hasn’t gone down at all in the week that he has been there and has almost seemed to have gotten worse, and what that means. She tells him about how he has yet to wake up, and how usually if a coma patient is going to wake up it would be within a week. Dean feels like he is going to be sick and he is shaking when she starts talking about their options. He waits for her to stop talking.

“So basically, you are telling me that there isn’t anything you can do for him?” Dean says in a faint voice.

“I am sorry Mr. Winchester, the most we can do right now is keep him comfortable,” Dean closes his eyes and takes a few deep breaths. “Now would be the time to have any loved ones come to say their goodbyes.” He is caught in a whirlwind. He opens his eyes and looks at Bobby.

“Call Sammy.” He says before walking out of the room. He walks down the hall, ignoring the voices calling after him, and goes to the stairs. He goes down two flights of stairs before he stops. He puts his hands on his knees and hangs his head. He is breathing heavily and really wants to hit something or throw up or scream or a combination of all three. He hears footsteps behind him on the stairs and stands, running down a few more flights. He goes out the door that leads to the main level of the hospital and rushes to find a bathroom. He goes down a corridor and turns down another hallway where he finds a bathroom. He rushes in slamming the stall door behind him, almost forgetting to lock it before he retches into the toilet until his stomach is painfully empty. He feels tears streaming down his face as he spits into the toilet. He stands on wobbly legs and flushes the toilet, then leans against the wall. His breathing is ragged as he hears the bathroom door swing open.

“Dean?” he hears Castiel’s slightly panicked voice. He slides to sit on the floor.

“Dean, are you in here?” Cas walks over and pushes the locked stall door. Dean shakes his head as his heart constricts painfully and more tears fall; he cannot breathe. Dean pulls his legs to his chest and rests his head on his knees, even though it makes him feel childish. He sobs into his knees not caring if Castiel can hear him, he is hurting so severely that nothing matters now not his image, not the fact that he is sitting on the floor of a public bathroom, not the ugly sounds being ripped from his throat. Nothing matters anymore. He cries until he can’t anymore, and after that, he just sits there shaking and in pain. It’s so quiet in the bathroom that Dean wonders if Castiel had left to give him some privacy. He looks up at the stall walls, and he can see through the gap between the floor and the wall that Cas is sitting on the other side of the door facing away from him.

“Bobby wanted to give you some space, so he told me to tell you to take as much time off work as you need, and that he will call Sammy. He also said to give him a call if you need anything at all.” Cas says in a low gentle voice. Dean shutters and wipes his face. He grabs some toilet paper and blows his nose before he stands. He flushes the toilet again for good measure and sees Cas stand up to. He goes over and opens the door to the stall, keeping his head down. He looks at Castiel’s feet and sees him step in. Castiel wraps Dean in his strong arms and Dean drops his head onto the man’s shoulder. Castiel’s hands move up and down his back in reassurance.

“I am so sorry Dean,” Cas whispers holding him tight. Dean feels more tears coming so he squeezes his eyes shut. They stand there embracing for a long moment and Cas lets Dean shake in his arms. Castiel pulls back slightly to look at him before he leans in and kisses Dean on the cheek. He puts his arm back around his shoulder and pulls him toward the door.

“Come on, let’s go home,” Cas says. And they do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY OK? I hope you guys don't hate me after this. If you have commented on this Fic I am determined to respond to every one of them tonight because i love you guys and your comments are so encouraging!!


	20. Distract Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wow 20 chapters... this is what is keeping me going right now, so I hope you guys enjoy. I did this instead of my hw too, so hopefully it is good? I off to go cry and continue ignoring the world!! until next time!

Castiel longed for sleep; he hadn’t slept much since they got home from the hospital. Every time he fell asleep, he heard the sounds, the terrible sounds that Dean made at the hospital. The ugly gut wrenching sobs of agony. It broke his heart a little more every time he thought about it. Dean, strong and tough, broken down and sobbing. It hurt Cas to see him like that, but he wanted to be there for him to support him in this awful situation. Cas knew how Dean felt in a way. When Cas lost his parents, he felt broken for so long; Castiel had been close with his mom, and while his relationship with his mother wasn’t nearly as hostile or as angry as Deans was with his father, it was similar in a way. They both admired their parent and loved them unconditionally and would’ve done anything for them; As messed up as John Winchester was, he was always this hero of sorts to Dean. So, Castiel understands what Dean is going through.

His computer chirped, breaking him from his revive. He was sitting in the kitchen at the island trying to get some work done, but the lack of sleep kept distracting him from the work at hand. Charlie had said she would call him with some updates on the bar so that’s what he was waiting for. Thankfully there hadn’t been any drama while he was away. He stared blankly at the screen for a few minutes until his phone finally started to ring.

“Hi Charlie,” Cas answered on the second ring.

“Hey Cas, sorry to keep you waiting, how are you doing? How was the trip?” She sounded chipper through the phone.

“I am tired, I haven’t slept much since I got back honestly,” He didn’t feel like mentioning what happened with Dean, “the trip was wonderful though, thanks for asking. How are things with you?” Cas smiles a little at the thought of their trip.

“Well good, I am glad to hear it. Things are well! I got tickets to Comic Con, so that’s exciting!” Charlie had been trying to get tickets to Comic Con for a few years now, so he was happy for her.

“That is exciting, it’s in a few months, right?” Cas asks tapping the pen on the counter.

“Yes, so I will need a week or so off, if that’s ok,” Charlie asks.

“Of course its ok, I owe you big time anyways for covering for me while I was away,” he hears her scoff.

“You don’t owe me, it was nothing, I don’t mind helping out, you know that silly.” He smiled.

“So I suppose when I see you next we should discuss your promotion?” He had been meaning to promote Charlie to a manager for a few months now, and this just proved that she deserves it even more.

“Wait really?” she screams through the phone, making Castiel laugh.

“Of course,” he listens to her scream through the phone, holding it away from his ear for a moment, “But first, get me caught up on how everything went while I was away. Did you have any trouble covering Jessica’s shift?” he asks.

“Everything went smoothly, and no, it was fine. No fights, no trouble, everything is stocked and cleaned, I even ordered the next shipment.” Cas was impressed.

“Great, I am happy to hear it, I probably don’t even have to go in today.” Today was the off day so Cas was happy that Charlie took care of everything, making his life easier. They banter back and forth for a bit.

“Seriously though Charlie, you rock. Thank you again, for taking care of everything, I really do appreciate you.” Cas says honestly. He is listening to her response when he sees movement out of the corner of his eye and looks up to see Dean walking past him to the coffee pot. He sits up straight and almost drops his phone.

“But yes, thank you again Charlie, I will talk to you more about everything tomorrow ok?” he says, before they say a quick goodbye. He sets his phone down and watches Dean pour coffee into a mug and stir in some sugar. He looks like he showered, which is good, and is wearing a pair of basketball shorts and a tee shirt. Cas can’t think of a time where he has ever seen Dean in shorts, and it is quite a sight. Cas stands up, considering going to Dean. He doesn’t move.

“Morning,” Deans voice is raspy from disuse, so he clears his throat.

“How are you doing?” Cas says quietly. Dean won’t look at him.

“Well I am starved so I am going to make some breakfast. Do you want some?” Dean says. Cas watches Dean stare blankly down at his cup, his face a mask. Cas realizes that Dean had asked him something.

“Sure, but only if you let me cook with you.” He tries to say in a casual voice, but he can tell there is a hint of worry.

“Deal.” Dean says. Cas can tell that Dean doesn’t want to talk about it, so he doesn’t bring it up. When Dean is ready he will talk about it, and Castiel will be here for him. He watches Dean move to the fridge and pull out eggs, half and half, and cheese. Cas doesn’t want to stand there doing nothing, so he grabs a bowl, stopping again to look at Dean, who turns and sees Cas staring at him. Dean has bags under his eyes and a hint of stubble shadowing his face. He looks as tired as Castiel feels. Cas looks away and sets the bowl on the counter.

“Scramble or an omelet?” Dean asks. Cas is silent for a moment.

“Scramble,” he says.

“Sounds good,” Dean starts to crack eggs into the bowl, while Cas grabs a cast iron skillet and puts it on the stove to heat, then pauses to watch Dean crack eggs flawlessly with one hand into the bowl. However, Castiel notices a slight tremble in his hands.

“What day is it?” Dean whispers after a moment.

“Today is the 30th.” Cas watches Dean who pauses for a moment, his eyes going wide.

“Is it really? I don’t even remember coming home from the hospital let alone the two days since.” Dean looks lost in thought like he is racking his memory for any tidbit since they came home so Cas decides to help him out.

“You mostly slept. When we got home you sat in the living room for a few hours, you hadn’t moved so I brought you upstairs and tucked you in. I tried to get you to eat or drink something, but you would just roll over and go back to sleep. I was starting to worry.” Dean swallows. Cas goes over to the toaster, dropping in a few pieces before stopping to watch Dean, who pours in a touch of half and half and starts to whisk the eggs together.

“And—” Dean pauses, “has Sammy…”

“He is arriving today. It took us a day to get ahold of him, apparently, they took a trip to somewhere where there was no reception, and then their flight got delayed because of some storm or something. He should be here around 9 or 9:30.” Cas says calmly.

“Thanks, Cas… for everything.” Dean pours some cheese into the egg mixture. He walks over to the hot pan and pours the mixture in, it sizzles and pops. He grabs a spoon and stirs.

“Are you going to be alright?” Castiel’s voice is small, unsure. Deans jaw clenches.

“Probably not, but I am going to try.” Dean keeps stirring. Cas walks over and stops beside Dean. He watches Deans jaw clench and unclench and sees the sad look that is hidden in his eyes.

“Let me know if you need anything, or if there is anything I can do, okay?” he says in a small voice, and Dean looks over. He tries to convey to Dean how much he cares for him and that he is here for him with a look and he notices the other man’s eyes fill with tears. Dean looks away.

“Yea Cas,” Dean watches the eggs, because they don’t look at him with heartfelt looks that make him feel like exploding, “are you going into work today?” Dean asks, changing the topic. Cas walks over to the toaster dropping in two slices of sourdough bread.

“No, the bar is closed today, and tomorrow actually; I just remembered that tomorrow is New Year’s.” Cas was so distracted he nearly forgot about the holiday. The toast pops up and he pulls it out to butter it before going and grabbing plates and silverware.

“Well at least you have a few days off,” Dean whispers, “Got anything going on?”

“Nope. I haven’t been sleeping well the past few nights so I’ll be taking it easy.” Dean turns, pan in hand, to look at Cas.

“Why haven’t you been sleeping?” Dean says, concern in his voice. Cas blushes and looks away. He puts the toast on the plates and Dean scoops out the eggs onto the plates. Cas doesn’t want to tell him the truth about how every time he falls asleep he hears Deans sobs, so he thinks of the next reason he wasn’t sleeping.

“I don’t know, I suppose I got used to not sleeping alone.” _I should not have said that, god that was stupid of me._ Cas stares at the counter top that he refuses to look up from. He can feel Dean looking at him and he is flustered. Why did his mouth think it was a good idea to say that? Dean didn’t need Cas to be harassing him right now. He needs to change the topic.

“Ready to eat?” Cas says as he walks over to the fridge to grab some orange juice. He turns to Dean, still avoiding eye contact.

“Want some juice?” He asks.

“No, I’m alright, I have coffee.” Dean says, watching Cas pour some juice into a glass. After, they walk around the island to where Castiel sat before Dean came in to eat their breakfast. They sit next to each other, and Cas finally looks at Dean, who is checking him out. Cas looks down at his outfit and realizes why. He is wear a simple black tee shirt that is too big and loose in a way that it exposes his collarbone. Since it was just him and Dean home, Kevin and his mother were still visiting family until the 6th and Jess and Sam were not supposed to be here for a bit, he was in a pair of his boxers and socks. He felt naked. He looked at his food and felt Deans eyes on him.

“What are you doing today?” Cas asks. They start to eat.

“I am not sure,” Deans voice is unsure, “Waiting for Sammy, then making sure he is ok I guess.” Cas finally looks over at Dean who stirs the food around his plate. He occasionally takes a bite, but he isn’t eating like he usually does; normally Dean shovels food into his mouth, eating like he never has before, so Castiel was worried.

“What can I do Dean?” Cas says in a pleading voice. There must be something he can do to help this man. Dean closes his eyes and laughs.

“Distract me,” Dean whispers, before reaching over to grab Castiel’s hand. He knew this was something Dean wouldn’t normally do, so it almost startled Castiel. But if distracting was what Dean needed, Castiel could do that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to smut, or not to smut? idk if anyone even reads these little notes, but lemme know if you think its time, and if not let me know why!! thanks for reading


	21. Leave the Door Open

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ THIS!!!!  
> So this is gonna throw back to a part in chapter two that needs to be cleared up just so you guys know! Oh how things are changing... and yes there is Dean talking about his feelings because I can do what I want!

In one swift move, Dean leaned over and bracketed Castiels face with his hands and pulled their mouths together. Cas gasped in surprise but didn’t pull away for a moment. Dean felt familiar and warm and safe, and Cas liked it, wanted more of it. _No Novak, you are not taking advantage of this man,_ Castiel tells himself _._ Cas feels Dean sigh and pulls him in closer, deepening the kiss. Cas lets out a little gasp when he feels Deans tongue push at the entrance of Castiels mouth and the other man’s hands moving down his chest, and uh-oh, when did my arms get around his neck? _Uh oh, I need to stop this now._ Cas puts his hands on the other man’s cheeks and pulls him away gently.  

“Wha—” Dean says, blinking open his eyes. He looks at Cas, who offers a gentle smile.

“I’m sorry handsome, but we need to slow down.” Cas whispers.

“But… but I need you.” His voice cracks on the whisper, his eyes pleading with Cas. Castiel grabs both of Deans hands.

“Not like that though, trust me I want you too, more than anything, but not like this. You think you want me because you are hurting, but you don’t, you just want to feel good Dean. And this will not make you feel better, it will just make you feel like shit in the long run and that’s not fair to you or me. So, for now I will be here for you and if, someday, this is what you want, then we can do this, but we need to take things slow for both our sakes.” Cas says in a quite voice. A single tear streaks down Deans face. He closes his eyes and squeezes the hands in his. He nods and leans into Castiel, his head bumping into the other man’s shoulder.

“Ok, but can I just say something?” Dean whispers with a shaky voice.

“Of course Dean,” Cas slips one of his hands out of Deans to run it up and down his back reassuringly. Dean takes a few deep breaths before speaking.

“I feel like this put things into perspective for me. My— he may have been awful to me and Sammy but he... he was still important to me. He made me into who I am, and no matter what he is still my dad. Even when he changed after mom, and him and Sammy butted heads constantly, he was still my dad. And the fact that he’s just gone—” Dean pauses and takes a shuttering breath, his face still concealed by Castiels chest, “it makes life seem short. And it made me think, why am I pushing you away, when we have so little time to live our lives? I have been wasting time because I was hurt over Lisa, and that is really unfair to you, because you have been here for me since day fucking one, and I have done nothing but push you away out of fear. And I am really sorry for that Castiel. I… I want to give this a shot if you still want to.” Castiel couldn’t breathe. Dean had never expressed so much insight of himself and Cas was in awe of the man. He stared down at him, unsure if this was really happening.

“Dean, I—” Castiels voice cracked, “I don’t know what to say.” And he didn’t without sounding like a big ball of sap. God, he loved this man. He was his completely.

“You don’t have to say anything. Just think on it and let me know, and for once I will do the waiting.” Dean sat up then, his hands already rubbing his face. There was a comfortable silence for a moment, before Dean speaks.

“Hey Cas, can I ask you something though?” Dean says.

“What’s up?” Cas says in a small voice, still processing what just happened.

“What kind of bar is closed on New Year’s? Wouldn’t that be, like, the busiest day of the entire year?” Castiels stomach twists in the familiar knot that always appears when asked that. How was he supposed to tell Dean, who just lost his father, that New Year’s Eve was the night of his parent’s accident? That because he lost them on that holiday he never opens because of his fear that someone else will lose their family members as he did?

“Uh, well, that’s a story for another day. But long story short its because of a family thing. I will tell you another time.” Cas doesn’t make eye contact.

“Alright,” Dean says softly. They go about cleaning up the kitchen, almost finished, when they hear the front door open and then slam.

“Dean?” They hear Sam yell in a panic-stricken voice. Dean rushes from the room, Cas a few steps behind him. They meet Sam in the hall, half way between the kitchen and the entry way. They stop before smacking into Sam, who is a mess. His eyes are wide and red rimmed. He is breathing hard, as if he ran from the airport to Castiels home, and his clothes, a black button up and jeans, are a wrinkled mess as if it’s what he has been wearing for three days. His hands are clenching and unclenching repetitively. Castiel realizes that while their relationship with their father may have been a bit dysfunctional, they both still loved and needed him. After all, he was the one who raised them, made them in to the men they are today. Dean is tense, his eyes filled with worry as he looks at his disheveled baby brother. He steps forward wrapping the larger man in a hug. Sam’s eyes dart around and he blinks repeatedly as his hands go around his big brother holding on to him like a life line.

“Dean,” he repeats in a pleading tone, his eyes squeezing shut as if to make everything stop and go back to normal.

“I know Sammy,” Deans voice is an even whisper, as he holds on to him. Cas suddenly feels like he is intruding. He slowly backs out toward the kitchen giving them their privacy. Castiel finishes the dishes, puts away anything that was left out, and is wiping down the counters when they come into the kitchen. Cas turns to them, unsure of what to say.

“Hi Sam, how are you holding up?” He finally says in a gentle voice. Dean focuses his attention on Sam, but occasionally glances over at Cas.

“I have been better,” Sam clears his throat before he adds, “but I am happy to have finally made it back.”

“I am glad you made it safe. If you would like to stay here so you are closer to your brother and Jessica in these tough times you are more than welcome to. There is plenty of space here.” Sam looks at Castiel in surprise.

“Really?” he says. Cas glances at Dean, who is staring at Cas with a tiny smile on his face and a look in his eyes that Cas hasn’t seen there before.

“Of course. There is an extra bedroom if you prefer, or if you and Jessica want to share a room there is always that option as well.” Cas says. There is a pause where the Winchester boys both look at Castiel.

“Thank you Castiel,” Sam says quietly. Cas gives the brothers a small smile and a curt nod.

“I can get that room ready if you’d like?”

“Sure Cas, that would be great, I appreciate it.” Sam says with a grateful look on his face. Cas walks toward the hall on a mission. He hears Dean talking before he gets to the stairs and slows down for a moment.

“You need to shower before we do anything, you stink dude,”

“Shut up, I didn’t have time to change.” Sam retorts.

“Still. There is a shower in my room you can use, and when you are done we can go.” Dean says in a quiet gentle voice.

“Fine.” Castiel is up the stairs in a minute before the brothers come out and catch him eaves dropping on them.

He goes to the room next to his and Deans rooms and pushes open the door. He glances around the small room. The bed is made, though it is a bit dusty, as are the night stand and dresser. He goes back into the hall way and down to the main bathroom that anyone can use and grabs the cleaning supplies he keeps under the sink. He goes back, hearing Dean explain the bathroom to Sam, and smiles before going back to the extra room. He starts with opening the curtains and cracking the window so that the room isn’t so stuffy. Then he proceeds to dust all the surfaces and make sure there isn’t anything in the closet and bathroom. He is going in to pick up the bathroom when he hears a voice behind him.

“It’s okay Cas, he will probably end up staying in Jess’s room, no need to nit pick the space.” Cas turns to Dean and crosses his arms.

“What if Jessica wants her own space?” he quirks an eyebrow at the man.

“What if she doesn’t?” Dean is leaning against the door frame, a smirk on his face, but the distant broken look still lingers in his eyes. Cas wonders if other people notice it, or only see his smiling face.

“Jessica’s bed is a twin, which can’t possibly comfortably fit them both. If you don’t want Sam to have this room, perhaps he can stay in yours instead?” Cas says. Dean looks shocked and Castiel is pleased by that. Dean opens his mouth to respond, but his moose of a brother is calling for him. Dean doesn’t budge though, he ignores his brother for a moment.  

“Are you implying what I think you are implying?” Deans smirk turns into a small smile that almost reaches his eyes. Almost.

“I don’t know Dean what do you think I am implying? Shouldn’t you go see what Sam needs?” Cas says. A breeze blows in through the open window and a shiver runs up his spine.

Dean watches Castiel without responding. Cas feels his cheeks heat at the scrutiny.

“Alright, go about your cleaning, but if you are implying what I think you are, tonight after everyone showers and is in bed for the day, leave your door cracked open, and if it is,” Dean smirks at him, “I will come over.” Dean turns and walks out, leaving Castiel at that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tehehe hope you guys enjoyed!! I know this chapter is all over the place, but still, I hope you enjoyed.
> 
> THANK YOU SO MUCH TO ALL OF YOU WHO REPLIED TO MY QUESTION LAST CHAPTER!!!! IT MADE ME SO HAPPY TO READ THEM ALL!! I APPRECIATE YOU ALL SO MUCH!  
> and sorry this chapter took so long!


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